Helium Angst
by wowwy66
Summary: Welcome to high school, where I sadly live. It's a horrible place to be stuck for four years of your life, especially when your gay for the bad boy in school who's dating the head cheerleader. And that bad boy is not a gentle one, let me tell you. Who am I? I'm Cry. And I'm totally in love with Felix Kjellberg. (PewdieCry, High School AU *Disclaimer: I do not own Pewdie or Cry!
1. Chapter 1: Canary Pains

**Helium Angst **

**Chapter One: Canary Pain**

I had been friends with him at one point. I swear I had been. It was back in freshman year that it all fell apart. I think. The last year has been kinda a blur. I mean, I can't really remember exact days. It's all blended together. A big mix of papers, projects, exams, tests, homework and colors.

I do remember some stuff separately though. Like that project I did with him in seventh grade. It was about World War I and we used superheroes to represent countries. He jumped out of the teacher's closet in his younger sister's ballet uniform with basketball shorts and all of that jazz. He had moved from Sweden just two years before that, so his accent was still too strong to properly understand. He cried out. "I am _Peeewwwwwdiepppiieeee_! I am _Russia_!" He smiled. He had made up the word Pewdiepie himself and was pretty proud of it. I remember that.

I remember the day I fucked up, too.

We had been chilling on his couch in his house. His parents hadn't moved to America with him and he was living with his aunt. His aunt was a huge drunk and was almost never home. He was okay with that and so was I. We played a bunch of video games and drank more canned beers then I could count. Freshman's go crazy at first, right? Don't judge me for it. I had also had feelings for him since around seventh grade, so I was also getting a little frisky. I mean, simple flirting though. Really small and simple. Like poking his cheek, or giggling a lot, or even when you trail your finger up their arm.

I flirt like a girl. Ugh.

We both had a random laughing fit and I fell over while shaking. "I love you." I said simply and stared at the ceiling. He looked up and smiled crookedly. "I love you too." And so I took that as a wrong sign. It was friend love, not lovey-dovey. I was stupid and sat up quick and before he could shy away I kissed him. And he jumped back and glared at me with the scariest look I've ever received. Well, after what my father used to give me. I came from a broken home.

"What the hell was that?" He had asked. His voice was brimming with anger and surprise.

"I, um, you said you loved me…" I trailed off to barely a whisper. "I thought…"

"I'm straight." He said quickly. "Are you kidding?! You knew that! You knew I had a crush on Marzia!" You see, Marzia is the head cheerleader.

"I'm sorry, just forget about it-"

"That was my first kiss, you faggot!" He shouted. "Get out!"

"What? But-"

"No! Get out, you prick, out!"

Yep. So, I fucked up.

He's the only one I've ever really loved, well, ever. I still love him, but I kissed him and it haunts me. I can't walk down the hall without getting pointed out as the weirdo gay that is totally in love with the bad boy dating the head cheerleader. I'm not kidding. I've heard that twice today alone and it's barely the finish of third period. As soon as ten minute break rolls around, though, I'm seriously fucked. He'll corner me, I just know it. I've crossed the line again.

At a party two nights ago, a bunch of us were playing spin the bottle. And of course, with my amazing luck, it landed on Marzia and I had to kiss her. I hated it, she looked disgusted. And he. He, on the other side of the room, wanted to stab my eyes out with a spoon. Oh, trust me, he'd find a way.

And now I was doomed.

You'll find my head in the garbage can next to my body.

The bell rings and I rushed out of class to put away my things then hide in the viewing range of my Spanish teacher. I make it to my locker safely and shove book after book inside. Then, I make the mistake of turning around. And I see him down the hall.

Felix Kjellberg.

And I panic. All I could do was grab my textbook and beeline for the room. Of course, though, it wasn't that easy. I'm aiming down the hall to the left, down one more hall and I'll be at the classroom's golden gates to heaven.

My shoulder is ripped around and my bag drops to the floor with a thud. "Hey, Cryaotic!"

Yeah. My name is Cryaotic Monki. Judgment isn't needed. My mother named me, wanting something unique. My brother was named Nathan. I could at least have gotten something not…so random. Well, I love my name, honestly. Who doesn't love their name? Only I don't go by Cryaotic. I go by Cry.

I'm face to face with Felix now, blue eyes connecting with blue. I wiggle away and back up slowly. "Felix, listen-"

"You fucking kissed my girlfriend?" He hisses. "You little whore!"

I flinch away and look at the ground for a second. "I'm not a whore." I say. I hit the lockers and feel myself getting cornered.

"You kissed my girlfriend. You kissed Marzia!" He advances and seems like he's holding back punch after punch. He'll only hold back until the hallway is clear, though.

"In a game!" I cry out. "It's innocent." I slide away and started walking down the hall to my backpack. I reach it and hoist it onto my shoulder. "Besides, Felix." I turn around and smirk. "You're the only one I love!" And I blow a kiss to him. It was mockingly, of course, and I laughed afterwards cynically.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" And the next thing I know I'm getting punched in the face. I wince and fall back, bringing my hands up to my cheek. He looks demonic as he walk forward and grabs my shoulders. He yanks me down, hard, onto his knee. I gasp and fall off onto the ground. I look up at him, squinting into the white lights of the ceiling to find Felix. I had to get away. I can't go home with bruises again. My mother said she would call the principal.

And then my side is kicked. Again. Again. Bam. Bam. Bam.

I'm suffering. I feel sick. At the same time, my heart is soaring. I'm getting attention from Felix! And it feels so good yet so painful. I'm dying and going to heaven. And It sickens me how good being beaten by him feels.

The bell rings and saves me a few minutes later. Felix goes off to class. I collapse on the ground and lie there until lunch when my friends Scott and Russ find me and support my limping form to the cafeteria. They both clean me up in the bathroom and walk me to lunch and my next class, blocking me from Felix's death glare.

The next day, I learn my Spanish teacher didn't miss me.

**A/N: Hello~ **

**You: Another PewdieCry story, Wowwy-chan?! But you haven't even finished Inhuman: Madly Falling!**

**Me: Well, don't worry! I'll be updating this one along with Romeo and Jewliet and Inhuman! Don't fret~**

**You: My hero!**

**Because that's exactly what happened.**

**My first PewdieCry AU and my first PewdieCry that isn't horror. Yay! BUT It's angsty and sexy and set in a high school. NO, I WILL NOT USE CRY'S REAL NAME. Don't even ask. He says he doesn't like it when people do. It's my first "first person narrative" style writing in present tense, so please tell me how to better my writing.**

**And I'm going to do a quick social experiment: People get more review when they threaten their readers…? Sure. Let's try it. The more you review, the faster I update. Let's try this out. I might stop this if I feel like a dictator.**

**So ya! Love you all! *kisses***


	2. Chapter 2: Cinnamon Hearts

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Two: Cinnamon Hearts**

"God, Cry…You gotta tell someone." My friend, Red, caresses my cheek nervously. Her friend, Raven, nods. "Come on, dude. It's just sick." I shake my head silently. The bruises on my cheek hurt as I try to chew. My jaw is throbbing too much to do so, though. Ugh. I'm a hot mess.

My best friend Scott sits across from me and is gripping the table like a lifeline. "He's being a prick. You have to. I can't watch you get beat up like this all the damn time!"

"It's fine!" I say loudly. "It's fine." I repeat and look down at my hamburger. The conversations break away from me slowly, first Red and Russ, then Raven and Jund. I sit quietly and glance up at the other end of the cafeteria. There he sits, on his little throne of badass-ness, cold and pain stares pinned on me. His arm is around Marzia and her friends chat and giggle as he stares at me. I wish he stared at me with love and longing, not hate.

But his hate fuels me.

I love being the object of his obsession: He is obsessed with hurting me, with hurting me, with making me feel. I get a kick out of being kicked. That's why I run and hide: Pain is good to me. It scares me a little, knowing I get a buzz from him wanting me dead, but sometimes getting any attention is better than none.

I stand up and leave my plate. "I'm going to the library." The library is my hiding place. I'd be surprised if Felix could read anymore. After the incident, he started smoking and getting into some bad people. He's not a virgin, but then again neither am I, and he does weed on Friday nights with his neighbor, Toby. Marzia and Toby used to date, but I guess Today doesn't mind Felix.

If I were Toby, I would mind.

I bet you're still kind shocked. I'm not a virgin, sorry. Honestly…I think I'm the whore of the school. Hence why Felix calls me whore and slut all the time, and I refuse to accept that title. You see, in freshman year I got drunk and gave a few guys some blowjobs. I'm not proud of it. I became legend because of my skill set in the field of pleasure and now every party it's my duty to open up and carter to all who approach. Don't worry, I use condoms and am safe and all of that. I have never once gotten or given and STD, nor have I ever come close to getting a girl pregnant. I would never do that. I'm safe.

And everyone is just waiting for the day Felix walks up to me. Everyone is buzzing before parties now because they're expecting Felix to walk up to me any day and fuck me right on a desk in a classroom. Well, the girls think so. They hope so. The guys are just thinking about Marzia. I'm just the whore weirdo, he's the bad boy, she's the cheerleader and this is high school. We are all just too famous for our own good and…sadly enough, I have fangirls. We all do. It's freaky.

I walk in the cold outside towards the small library just outside the tech room and the assembly hall. I enter the library, curl up in the back and watch the walls. I study the bindings of the books and cross my legs judgmentally in my giant comfy chair and sigh.

I'm required not to show judgment in my word. I can't ask why the person came to fuck, I don't need to ask why, I just do. I don't ask them to stay because I'm usually the first to leave in the morning or the hour after. I can't question there fetishes, I can't question what they ask me to do. To do that would be to lose my credit with the seniors and with the students around me. I can't lose that, it's the only thing keeping me from being beaten by the other kids, not just by Felix.

I remember at the last Valentines party, one of Marzia's friends, Kalel, came up to me. Kalel was sort of alternative, not by much though, and had blue hair. She was dating a junior, Anthony. Kalel didn't want my services for her, but instead for her sad and depressed friend from out of town who needed some rebound. I agreed and went to her hotel room that night, with Kalel there to introduce me.

She had pale pink lingerie. I remember that because I hadn't seen many people 'dressed up' for my area of expertise. She was a few months older than me and pretty. She had those heart-shaped Valentine's candies, and she wanted me to eat them off of her. I did willingly. She was very emotional about our time together, and we shamelessly went about three rounds. It was the hottest, most sensual thing I've ever done with anyone.

I felt guilty leaving her at four in the morning.

Yes, I cater to women even though I'm gay.

You gotta be fair, you know?

And then there's my friends, who I have never catered to. Red and Russ are together, been dating a good two years now, and Raven is all but interested in me. Scott has never approached me before. I'm glad he hasn't. I have yet to look any of my clients in the eye after my sessions.

The more I think about it, I sound like a prostitute.

Gross.

I'm not a prostitute.

I am a giving person who cares for others emotions.

I've never been with a sadist before. My if Felix ever did approach me…I would probably refuse, actually. I can't do that to him. I can't do that to me.

I hear a noise in the row of books just ahead of me to the left. I turn and look, see it's a tiny little freshman and turn away. That's when I hear the thud. I look again. The freshman's on the ground with his hair mused, his books in front of him and his eyes wet. A fresh bruise is appearing on his cheek.

"Hey." I call out. He looks up, frightened, and just nods slowly to acknowledge me.

"Did Felix do that to you?" I ask in whisper.

The kid nods again. "I got in his way to the trashcan." He says quietly. "I don't even know him. He doesn't know my name."

"What your name?"

"I'm Shiro." He says. He's pale and is that one kind of Asian were he could be icy blonde if he wanted to be. "Drew Shiro."

"I'm-"

"Cryaotic." Drew smiles awkwardly. "My twin sister is kind of obsessed with you. So are half the girls in the grade. They say you're really hot."

That is the typical opinion of me.

The next day, Drew sits with us at lunch.

**A/N: Update, update, update. Yay!**

**REMEMBER: The more reviews I get, the LONGER and FASTER I update! *dictatorship***

**Enjoy! And, in case you're wondering, this might go up to M rating. Because, you know. A whore and a bad boy means business shall happen.**

**BTW: I gots myself a tumblr! riskythe15thfreak. Follow me!**

**Love you all~ *kisses***


	3. Chapter 3: Iced Licorice

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Three: Iced Licorice**

I walk back from school with fresh bruises on my arms. He had fought me again, and Drew had tried to help. Drew had gotten nailed in the face and Scott had to walk him back to the infirmary. I felt bad for causing that. Felix had punched me over and over, calling me a whore and slut and cock-sucker. I told him I would gladly suck his, and then I got shoved down a short staircase. I'm too much of a smartass for my own good.

Today, I learned Drew is adopted. He was adopted at age five and his parents let him keep Shiro as his middle-surname sorta thing. They renamed him Drew, though. Drew has another friend who's Asian. His name is Ryan, and Ryan doesn't pay much attention to us. We're nicknamed the Late Night Crew thanks to the football team and we're notorious for staying up all night on Saturdays to party and do whatever. I love those days, because I can get drunk and do whatever.

Well, I can do that anyway.

The Late Night crew consists of Raven, the goth, Jund, the gamer, Red, the artsy one, Russ, the nerd, Snake, the jock, and me, the whore. We're one jacked up group of freaks. But we're each other's freaks.

Felix had pulled me aside yesterday and told me to kill myself. I told him no and then let him beat me. He was cussing and growling the whole time and made me want to burst into tears. I didn't. I haven't for years.

I want to be Felix's. I want to so badly. Sure, I pack up a good act, but sometimes I find myself moaning his name during my jobs. I cover it up and they never seem to notice. If they do, they don't care. I just want to see him smile again. He hasn't smiled in so long. I want to help him learn to be human again. Every girl thinks she can change a bad boy, and I guess I'm one of them.

Well, I don't want to change him.

I just want him back.

I arrive at my house and stand outside for a moment. It's small and blue with little white accents, like a Barbie house or something. Nathan's bike lies on the overgrown grass next to a football and the door is propped open to show the transparent screen door. Our air conditioning is broken, you see. I walk up the sideway, grabbing the mail as I do so and walk into the house and straight to the kitchen. The kitchen is that flypaper kind of yellow. Nathan's eating a sandwich and my mother is cleaning. "Cry, you're home!" Nathan cries and stands up. He runs over and hugs me. We're a tightknit family.

"Hey, Squirt. How was school?" I kneel down to get eyelevel with him and I fix my glasses.

"Brittney kept calling me 'white trash'. I told her she's paler then me." Nathan sways back and forth. He's in second grade and still acts two years younger than his age.

"Brittney's just a bad person." I say. I ruffle his hair then stand up to hug my mother. "Hey, Mom."

"How are you, honey?" She asks kindly. When she let's go of the hug, though, she notices my arms and frowns. "Again?"

"It's fine." I promise her as I walked over to grab an apple. "I swear. Look, I'm breathing." I throw up the apple and catch it in my mouth by my teeth, like a dog. Nathan claps quietly and I chuckle as I take a bite out of it. "I have to go change for work."

"If something was going on, you would tell me, right Cryaotic?" My mother asks quietly.

I nod, hug her, walk upstairs and change out of my school clothes and into a sweatshirt and jeans. Yes, it might have been basicly the same stuff I wore at school, but no logos are allowed for the 7/11 workers clothes. I'm just as shocked as you that the 7/11 takes pride in its workers. AS I walk downstairs, my mother calls out to me. "You can use the car!"

My family has one car, and for her to let me use it is huge. I thank her then walk out of house.

When I reach the cheap 7/11 on the corner of Main Street and some other road, I am welcomed by the typical images: A drunk man, an older guy looking for headphones, a slut and a hoe with some big black guys and my coworker, Phil Lester. Phil moved from England a few months ago and got a job here until he can afford something better. He lives with his best friend Dan in an apartment up the street.

"Hey, man." Phil says. He's leaning on the counter reading _Vouge_ shamelessly. He reads whatever magazines are in stock and can relay entire articles to you without fault.

"Hey." I say and perch myself on the counter. "Slow day?"

"No one has bought a thing." He sighs. He stays here all day and is aged twenty, out of school and skipping college.

"This place'll close down any day now." I look around. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing. Just tired. So, how's life with Dickhead going?" He asked and flips the page of his magazine.

"Got beat again today." I say simply. "Same reason as Monday."

"It's Friday and he's still torturing you for that Saturday party?" Phil looked up. "He's a douche."

"I know, but he's my douche." I flick a piece of fuzz off my sweatshirt. "How's Lover Boy?"

"I'm still suffering over him." Phil said. "Still totally in love with him. It's not working."

"We are little gay bastards, aren't we?" I yawn. He nods and we both exhale sadly.

The next night, there's a party at Kalel's house. I go over to Scott's house before, like always, and we both get a little tipsy beforehand. It's easier that way. When we get to the party, it's insane. Already, only at ten o'clock, it's a mad house and I love every bit of it. Felix is there, grinding with Marzia, and I make sure to accidently spill my drink on her shoes.

Simple revenge.

He seems to be out of it. Felix is tending to Marzia with his body, but his mind seems somewhere else. He's looking everywhere but her, looking at everything but her bouncing blonde hair and tan skin. When I say everywhere, I mean everywhere. He's focusing on his Red Solo cup more than her. He's focusing on Raven and Jund sitting on the couch more than her, Red and Russ yelling at a freshman more than her, Toby sitting and entertaining a group of juniors more than her and a pretty Asian girl named Mari talking to a guy named Joshua more than her. Felix doesn't even know half the people here, but he looks at them more than her.

I don't know whether I should be happy or feel bad for her.

Fuck that shit. I'm happy as fuck.

I just stand and watch the others dance, extremely bored and waiting. Who am I waiting for? I don't know. Whoever gets to me first, like always. I can tell some people are staring at me, questioning whether to test me out or not. I can tell that it's mainly guys looking tonight, so I'll be playing feminine until the party's over. As I try to make myself look small in my sweatshirt and try to look like a girl, someone taps on my shoulder. I turn. It's the quarterback of the football team. He's a senior.

"Hey."

"Hey." I respond.

"You wanna get outta here?" He asks stiffly.

I admit, I feel a bit of sympathy for how awkward this must be for him. I nod silently and tell him to wait ten minutes after I go upstairs to follow so it's not obvious for him. He smiles a little, thanks me, then goes to talk to a cheerleader.

I start a slow walk out of the main rooms upstairs. Kalel gave me free use of her guestroom for all of her parties. It's my workspace, my reserved room, my palace where I sit on a throne of pillows. My room, my place, my name, my notorious actions. Mine. I finally have something that's all mine.

If my mother ever learns what I'm doing, I'm doomed. She cry and cry and make me feel like shit. And Nathan…he'll not understand, he's still too young to, but he would know I've done something wrong and judge me. I don't want them to know.

When the quarterback walks in and closes the door and locks it tight, he turns around.

I'm already on my knees.

**A/N: I will not be posting for two weeks thanks to spring break and a school trip. Apologizing in advance. PLEASE spread the news to Inhuman: Madly Falling and Romeo and Jewliet just in case I can't post up a chapter/AN in time to tell them! Thank you!**

**Cooky (Reviewer): I can't imagine Toby as smoking weed either. I just needed a Let's Player that's just as crazy as Pewds to be his 'friend'. I love Toby and don't think bad of him. :) Don't worry about it.**

**This story will be VERY LONG. The more I think about it and write it so internally, there's gonna be a bunch of chapters. A bunch. 30-something maybe. Woohoo. Longest story I've ever written on here!**

**More reviews, more updates after two weeks. Love you all! Thank you guys for being patient! :D *kisses***


	4. Chapter 4: How to Be a Heartbreaker

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Four: How to Be a Heartbreaker**

"Please?"

"No."

"Teach me!" Drew cried. He had dyed his hair ice-blonde over the weekend. I sigh and shake my head. "Again, no! I'm not letting you get into this." He has a shiny black eye, thanks to an unnamed senior, and wants out.

"But you don't get hit by anyone but Felix!" Drew cries.

"I still get hit."

"I want something like that! I want safety! And how did you get safety? You sell sex!"

That made me shake my head more and more. No. No. I'm not dragging someone down with me. "No, Shiro!" I snap.

"Yes." He said. "Yes. Please. Cry, you have to do this for me. I will ask for nothing else for the rest of the month. The year! My high school life!" He was begging now and I was just taking it with a wall of ice.

But the ice was melting. "Drew…if you do this, there is no going back and I don't want you to. You have to at least be bisexual."

"Oh…I can try!" He said. "Maybe…you could…"

"God!" I suddenly cry. "No! Dude, you're like my little brother! I'm not going to-"

"No, no! Not like that! I didn't mean to _that _to me! Teach me the rules, at least. Just in case." Drew finished his sentence and left me in a difficult position. "That shirt looks nice on you."

"Flattery will get you nowhere…Fine." I sigh. "I'll teach you the Five Golden Rules of Being the School Slut." I almost laughed at how excited he was. "Rule number one: You've got to have fun. Get into it or else you and the customer lose it _fast_. But, no matter how much fun you have, you _have_ to be the first to leave! Have to!"

"Okay. First to leave. Have fun." Drew nods eagerly. "Next?"

"Rule number two: Don't get attached to a client. Ever. Never. Don't." I say. I look around from the trunk of Drew's cheap truck.

"No love."

"But if they ask you to say it, just say it. Don't hesitate." I say. I can see Felix across the parkway now. "Don't hesitate to do their kinks, fetishes, and don't question them." He's with Marzia, Kalel and Anthony. They're all laughing. All but him, of course, and I wait for him to notice me and come over to beat me up again or to even just yell at me. Anything. I need anything.

"Cry? Cry? Rule three?" Drew pulls me out of my daydream and I nod. "Oh, ya. Sorry. Rule number three, never be vulnerable. Ever. Not even in a dominatrix position, be the strong one."

"Be strong." Drew nods again. "Always strong."

"Or else you _will_ get hurt." I say. Felix stops walking and hugs Marzia, who keeps walking with Kalel and Anthony. He leans up against a car and lights a cigarette with a short light blue lighter as Anthony gets on his motorcycle and the girls get in Marzia's white Lexus and all drive off. "Rule four. Look innocent. Always."

"Why?"

"No one…" I look over at Felix. "Expects the innocent to do bad things." The winds blows and my crop top blows with it. Okay, yes, I'm wearing a girl's large crop top. Judgment isn't needed. They're comfortable! Why should girls get all the comfortable clothes? Okay. You're already judging me. It's white and grey striped and goes all the way to by waistband. It hangs off my shoulders, though.

"How…ominous." Drew chuckles.

I look away. "Sure. Ya."

"You're overdramatic." Drew says. "But you're helpful."

"Thanks."

A silence covers us. The shadow from the trunk is hiding us from the dusty fog and the mist. Rain is coming, it'll be bad tonight, and I'll have to care for Nathan while my mother works the graveyard shift at a downtown diner. I'll have to make dinner, which will end up burnt, and I'll have to still go to work myself and leave him with the old people next door, who he hates.

"I just got a text from my mom, Cry. I got to go." Drew stands up and starts off. "See you tomorrow!"

"Bye!" I walked forward then turn around the shut the trunk of the car. When I turn back, I stumble and lean against the back of the car. Felix was in my face, inches from mine. He had jumpscared me, like my old favorite video games.

Only his face is much more terrifying and alluring then Jeff the Killer's.

"What do you want?" I manage to say. An inch more and we'd be kissing. He has one hand on my shoulder, pushing me against the car, and the other clenched in a fist at his side. His cigarette could easily burn my cheek if I move forward.

"Listen good, faggot." He hisses. "Never. Ever. Wear this damn shirt again."

Now I'm confused. "Wait…what?"

"Don't wear it." He says before taking his free hand, taking the cigarette and pressing the burning tip to my exposed shoulder. I yelp and wiggle away while he chuckles bitterly. After flicking the cigarette away and looks at me. "I can kill you, Cry. Easily. And you would let me."

I stand there in the cool mist shaking. My shoulder hurts and I take a deep breath. "You don't have the guts." I say simply. "What would your sister back in Sweden think of you now?"

Felix's face fell and he walked forward. "Burn this shirt, okay?" He turns, stalks off to his motorcycle and drives off a moment later. I watch him go and frown as the wind catches my hair and brushes it away.

Why would he tell me to burn this shirt?

The football team was staring at me all day.

I had gotten so many reservations for Saturday night.

Wait.

Wait.

Oh.

I almost start to laugh. "Felix thought I was attractive." I do start to laugh at that, and it echoes in the parkway. "He found me attractive." I twirl around and throw my hands up. "Yes!"

**A/N: I'm baaaaccccccck! I landed back in Tennessee last night at midnight and wrote all day. It was awesome. How was you guys' spring break? I want all the details! Tell me in the reviews!**

**If you get the song reference in the title and chapter you get a digital highfive~**

**Down to business: If I write a Crycest story, with hardcore yaoi, WOULD YOU READ IT? Smut, feels and all? I need to know.**

**Love you guys, VERY glad to be back! :) I'll be updating and maybe even starting something NEW this week! Get excited! 3 *kisses***


	5. Chapter 5: Broken Feathers

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Five: Broken Feathers**

I am an idiot.

I should have known it when I went to my locker and opened it up and the note fell out. It was obvious then, I should have realized it. I never get notes in my locker, ever. I should have known it when I opened up the note and I should have known it when I read the words '_Party at Toby's. Friday Night'. _No one had signed the letter, so I should have known.

I should have known by the fact that none of my friends, not even Snake, had heard about the party. I should have realized it.

I should have known when I pulled up to Toby's and he wasn't there. Only about three cars were, and none of them were his. I was stupid, though, and walked into the house. When I realized it was only five guys sitting on a couch, it finally hit me.

But by then it was too late to leave.

I tried to leave, actually. But I wasn't allowed to.

So I had to take what I was given.

And let me tell you. It hurt like hell. They were unprofessional, sloppy, left a lot of marks and didn't use any lube.

This is the reason I'm laying here, on the ground, broken, naked, with a towel covering my lower half.

"_Hey Cry?"_

_ "What is it, Shiro?"_

_ "You never did tell me rule number five."_

_ "Don't get yourself in a situation you can't escape."_

My breathing is sharp and shaky. I can't really feel my body, it's like I'm disconnected. I'm a ghost trying to re-enter myself and it's not working. Then I make the mistake of trying to move and I'm back in my body again with dagger-like pain shooting through my body. I groan. No one's going to bring me water or Advil, though. All the guys left and apparently Toby's out of town.

"'Ey, Toby!" A voice calls as the front door opens and slams.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I'd know that voice anywhere.

"Toby? Are you back yet?"

It's Felix fucking Kjellberg.

And this is the night I die. I'm just going to go ahead and say that none of the Crew gets my stuff when I'm gone.

When I see his shoes appear in the doorway and hear his sharp intake of panicked breath, I wait for my face to be kicked. I even close my eyes in fear. Then, I hear a rustle and feel something near my face. "Hey…" My eyes open and I look up to see Felix's face in the lamplight, leaning over me. "Are you thirsty?" He whispers. "Where are your clothes?"

I was too shocked to answer. Felix stood up anyway and walked to the kitchen, coming back shortly with a small glass. He helps me sit up, gives me the water, finds my clothes in a pile and throws them at me.

He pauses for a second. "I take it Toby's not home, then?"

For a second, it's just me looking into his eyes and him looking into mine.

It's silent except for the crickets coming from the screen door. The room smells like sweat and it's dark except for a single yellow lamp. Felix bends down so his face is level with mine. "Look at yourself. This is what you do to try and get my attention?"

I don't have the ability to answer correctly.

"You have become a whore just to try to tempt me. To woo me, even. You've ruined yourself. You're no longer an innocent child. You're a motherfucking slut." Felix shook his head and stood up. "You fucking fag."

And he left the house, leaving me.

**A/N: Written in under an hour. BOO-YAH! I enjoyed this chapter, and it proves that kissy-times are coming in the future. Sorry for the slow build-up and the short chapter.**

**Love you all! *kisses* **


	6. Chapter 6: Liquid Confusion

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Six: Liquid Confusion**

This makes no fucking sense.

I'm sitting in class, thinking to myself, trying to pay attention a little. But no, thoughts of motherfucking Felix taint my mind. He helped me, a little, recognized my existence without hurting me, physically, and made me feel like a lost child. I don't know whether I'm so happy I'm shocked or so upset I'm shocked into numbness. All I know is the world around me doesn't exist and all that exists is those memories replaying over and over.

Felix had noticed me. He knows I am doing all of this partly for him, partly for me. He isn't oblivious, he's paying attention to me. He thinks I'm a slut. I don't know whether it's bad or good he thinks so. I really hope he understands why.

Actually, I think the fact that he does in fact understand might be the worst.

I haven't told anyone about what happened. I have a feeling Felix wouldn't appreciate it if I did.

Well, not a feeling.

He tripped me and I faceplanted in the hall.

It hurt.

Besides that, my Monday has been uneventful. I'm so happy it's been like that.

"Mr. Cryaotic?" The teacher calls again. I snap out of it long enough to get told off for not paying attention and then slip back into the fifth dimension. It only lasts a little while before we're assigned new lab partners for the second half of the semester.

I'll give you three seconds to guess.

One. Get it?

Two. Understand?

Three. Seriousy? Not yet?

Yep. I think you got it.

"Felix Kjellberg and Chaotic Monki."

This was expected, no?

As he walks over, I cross my legs and move my stuff and cross my arms over my chest. I realize I was playing a dangerous game wearing this shirt again. I was playing a dangerous game just by actually looking at him. He didn't make eye contact with me, though. I wouldn't expect him to.

"Okay, class. The rest of the semester you will be working on a project of testing chemicals on certain substances." The teacher says. "Using pond water or other substances, you will pick out a chemical, test it's reaction to substances and write a paper on them with your partner. The grade will be shared and be one quarter of your overall tests grades." She passes out the rubrics and went over the grading system, but I don't listen.

I was focused on Felix's hand on the desk.

Weird, I know, but my eyes were wandering and I felt the need to relish the time I wasn't dying by his hands while being in a three-foot radius of him. His hands were white and looked pretty soft. The knuckles were scapped and bruised, though. They had been rubbed raw by the all of the fights he had been in. I wanted to kiss the boo-boos away like a mother.

Wow, I'm a freak.

Next is all the leather he's wearing. I remember he used to judge people like himself, back before I kissed him. It fits him perfectly in all the right places, and I am not ashamed of noticing. I won't tell him I noticed though. That's suicide.

Being his partner is suicide.

I don't notice when the teacher stops talking. I'm completely zoned out until I hear Felix saying my name over and over. "Cry? Cry? Cry?"

I blink hard. "Oh! Um, ya?"

"What chemical do you want to use?" He points to the paper and I followed hi pale finger to the complicated list. "I think we should do something simple, like iodine."

"Whatever you want." I say quickly.

He sighs. "You have a say in this." He looks down at me. "It's your grade too."

I look up and then look away quickly. "Well, I suck at science, so I'm kinda leaning on you for this one. Sorry." I mumble.

"Then this will actually teach us something, then." Felix says. He still had yet to smile or show emotion. "It'll teach you science." The bell rings. He stands up with his bed. "And it'll teach me to play well with others."

As he walks away, I don't know how I feel. I just want to know why he didn't beat the shit out of me.

**A/N: The best things are still to come. Get excited~**

**SO, I will be focusing on my Crycest story more and more. I'll working on finishing and editing the first chapter, and I think you guys'll really enjoy it. Because of my slowness here and everywhere else, you all need stories to read, right? So, I recommend My Obsession by BeautysHarlequin. Not only is her name fun, but her story is perfect. I mean, dude. I stalk it. Read it, it's beautiful. Trust me.**

**Another thing! I am doing some fanfic collabs on tumblr. You wanna write with me? Message me there (riskythe15thfreak) and we shall write together. I already have about three Phan stories in the process. They're interesting~**

**I love you all, enjoy the two updates in two days thing. *kisses***


	7. Chapter 7: Lone Languages

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Seven: Lone Languages**

Think on this: I'm in my crush's arms, about to be thrown in a garbage can and all I can think is 'Please don't get a boner…'.

Because getting a boner in your crush's arms is awkward sometimes.

Especially when he's throwing you in a garbage can out the back of the school in front of some of the seniors right after beating you into a pulp and

But, as you know, I just shut up and take it, throw a sassy remark here and there before ending up on the ground until someone finds me and drags me up. I can practically predict the cycle. I think it's Scott's turn to help me.

Felix drops me in the garbage can with a thud and I feel the liquids in the gross waste sink into my clothes. I make a strangled squeak of fear before he kicks the side of the container. "And don't be late, gaylord!"

He had invited me to his house to work on the project and his way of making sure I was on time was to drop me into a pile of old yogurt and some cereal and lots of salad and old meat. Fucking nasty.

But I wouldn't be late. Not because of the gross meat, though, but whateves. I'll deal with it.

I could hear Felix and the others walk away and I start to struggle and hope I can knock myself over and get out. I can't, though, and end up trying to pull my poor cell phone out of a little half-rotten juice-cup thingy. It is still working, thank God, and is lit up by a call from my friend, Ken. I can't answer, and soon he will tell one of the Crew and they will rescue me.

I'm like a fucking Disney Princess. I always need to be saved.

I've always liked Ariel. But I'm not a ginger.

It took about five minutes for the lovely Raven to come pull me out of the garbage. She's the nicest girl in the group, actually, with Red coming in second for that spot. Red can be really bitchy sometimes, but she's definitely nicer then Minx. Minx, one of the last additions to the Crew, was kinda insane. I didn't really enjoy her company at all. She's gorgeous though. Purple hair.

Raven lifts me up, telling me I was pathetically light but made sure to make me still feel like a man by telling me it was only because she plays so much volleyball and has muscles to rival Snake. I know that isn't true, I've been starving myself for two days, but I roll with it. I'm scared to eat incase Felix thinks I'm fat. I've only eaten three breakfast bars, and I doubt I could lose that much body fat that fast, which probably means I'm just fucking tiny.

God dammit. Sometimes I question how manly I look. Or am.

Am I manly?

Holy shit, I'm not manly.

"Cry?" Raven repeats my name for the third time.

"Oh, sorry…I zoned out." I smile awkwardly.

"I noticed." She chuckles. "Come on. You're gonna be late for Russ' Booze and Bioshock tonight."

"Oh." My face falls. "I can't go." But, God, I want to.

"Why?" She asked. Her face went unreadable. That's the one thing I despise about her, the fact I can't read her. I'm usually good at that.

I shrug carelessly. "Oh, nothing…I'm just going over to Felix's tonight."

Raven blinks. She suddenly yells at the top her lungs. "_What_?! That is motherfucking _suicide_!"

"No, no! It's not for that! It's for the project, I swear! We aren't going to sleep together! Don't kill me!" I cover my face instinctively and quiver a little. "God, woman, calm your tits!"

"No! I will _not_! You're going to die tonight, sex or no sex!"

"It's fine! I swear, I'll live!"

When I arrive at Felix's house, I'm fucking cold. I don't know why, it's eighty outside, but I'm freezing as I stand outside the house that basically haunts my memories. I had been dreaming of coming back here one day, and now I'm here. And I'm terrified.

I see a light turn on upstairs. I see a shadow move against the window. I take a deep breath and feel the chills on my spine as I walk to the door and knock hard on wood. I don't hear anything for a while, and I lean forward to knock again. I fall forward, though, through the doorframe and falling to hit a hard figure. My arms instinctively wrap around the figure and I open my eyes to black skinny jeans. I swallow hard, knowing who it is, but I still slowly look up anyway.

Felix is staring down at me, one eyebrow up and the other lower then my hand on his ass. "…Cry?"

I let go and then fall onto my knees, chuckling nervously. "Hey, Felix. Sorry, I was trying to knock again."

"Sure." Felix says. His face was stoic. "Here, go to the living room. I have my folders there. I'm gonna get a beer." He walked off to the kitchen and I, using my memories, directed myself to the living 's almost exactly how I remember it, minus the fact a bunch of condom packages are scattered around the room and table. God, he was almost as busy as me.

"Where's Marzia?" I call to him. "Don't you live together?"

"No." He calls back and I hear something pop open. Beer bottle. "We did for a week, but my aunt ran her out."

"Where's your aunt?" I ask.

"No idea. She's been gone for three days." He walks in and shrugs. This is the first time I've seen him without a jacket on in monthes. He's gotten so many muscles. "But I don't give a fuck."

"Emotionless bastard." I nod. I'm slowly digging my grave. I am a smartass. Why was I born with such wit and such stupidity?

He looks at me. "Emotionless? Really? Huh. Isn't hate an emotion?" He has 'that look.' The 'I will kill you' look.

My stomach drops. "Yep. Nevermind, you aren't emotionless. You're just a bastard." I'm an idiot.

Felix doesn't respond. He just looks at me and blinks for a second before shaking his head. "God, I did a number on you today. You need ice?"

I blink. "Wait…ice?"

"Ya. You have a huge bruise on your cheek. I've been working on my left hook, did I do good?" Felix stood up and walked to the kitchen. He came back with a small bag of ice.

"Are you asking me how your punches feel?" I frown.

"Ya. I box and need advice from a living target, any who." He shrugged.

I look at the ground. "Ya…it was great. Fantastic." I don't know how else to respond. I guess they're good. Painful but good. Well, good from a professional stance…I don't know anymore.

"Good. Now, on to the project."

We work for around an hour and Friday night slips into Saturday morning as we start talking about nothing in particular while sitting on the porch and drinking cheap beer. We talk about how Carrie had a pregnancy scare and Tyler and Marcus made out in the locker rooms and that Alex and Jack are totally going to hook-up soon and that Jack's twin Finn was jealous that Jack got Alex so easily. He doesn't smile, laugh or anything during the entire conversation, but I feel normal.

"Hey, it's late." Felix finally said. "How much did you drink?"

I shrug. "A can or two, or five." It was more like seven.

"It's not safe to drive, then." He stand up. "Sleep on the couch. I'll be in my room. You know where everything is. Nothing's changed."

I almost laugh. Nothing's changed? Hilarious. Motherfucking hilarious. LOL, LAWLZ, LMAO, motherfucking funny. I'm dying.

I'm really drunk.

He walks inside. "Come in when you're ready."

I end up sitting outside and falling asleep on the harsh wood. It was too cold to stay out long, though, and I wake up after an hour to two. I stumble inside and collapse on the floor before reaching the couch and just sleep and sleep.

I wake up to being kicked by Felix. "Wake up! It's noon. You have a home to get to. And I know you have a job at the drugstore. Get out. I have coffee for your hangover waiting for you in a to-go cup. I'm not going to deal with your insanity."

He always would kick me out on my hangover and tell me I'm a little bitch when I'm suffering.

Maybe he's right.

Nothing's changed.

Too badly, anyway.

**A/N: I hope you all are enjoying this magical stuff! I am. It's getting closer to Pewdiecry moments. It's finally moving along~**

**I have a serious question: If I began a YouTube channel, would you watch and subscribe? I want to be a YouTuber, it's my dream, but I don't know if I have the ability. **

**Send good vibes to BeautysHarlequin, she's going through a rough spot. Same with my friend from Florida. He's bi and getting majorly bullied, so pray for him.**

**Love you guys, I hope you guys are safe and sound. Shout out to Boston and to the factory in Waco, I'm having you guys in my thoughts. Stay safe, keep out of trouble. Love you all! *kisses***


	8. Chapter 8: He's Melting

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Eight: He's Melting**

I had been on the job all night and had fucked two girls and helped a guy get off in the bathroom. I had made twenty five dollars so far and was proud. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I started charging money two weeks ago. I've made a bunch of money, double then at the drugstore, and bought my mom a new coffeemaker and Nathan an action figure. I slyly put the rest in my mother's drawers while she was out working so she would find it and think it was hers. She refuses to take my money.

Felix knows that I take money and calls me a prostitute. I go along with it. At least he pays attention.

We've worked on the project a lot. It's going well, and I've already started writing the paper. Felix is helping me and thought me all about the properties of iodine. Is it weird I now find it the most romantic chemical? We stayed up all night talking about it last week and now I actually believe that I might get an A.

I also have hope that he's changing.

This party is insane. The music is loud in my ears. It's pounding and shaking me to the bone while all the drinks I've had finally take hold and I start to lose my sense of direction. The lights are dark in Toby's house and I find myself suddenly in the middle of the dance floor swinging my hips to whatever song was playing. I don't even know the people around me or how this drink got in my hand, but I'm rolling with it because my head's spinning too much to argue. A guy came up behind me and grabbed my hips, so I just start to grind. I can barely hear him make a sudden gasp and then laugh.

I learned to do this at the end of freshman year. It's fun, like an extreme hip work-out. Only I still have yet to have real abs.

The guy leans over and grabs my shoulders. "So, you're the infamous Cry." He whispers. I don't really respond. I just let out a little awkward gasp when he suddenly touches my neck with his lips. "You're smaller then I remember. Hope you can handle me." He was familiar. He broke off in a dark laugh.

"…A fuck's ten. Oral's five." I slur and try to turn around. "Extra money for kinky stuff."

"How about I give you fifty dollars and we see what happens?" He asks.

Fifty dollars? Yes. I nod quickly and he grabs my arm to lead me off the dance floor.

"Felix?" A voice squeaks. "Felix?" Marzia's walking right towards me. I freeze and the grip on me feels like lightning. "Hey!"

Have I ever described Marzia? She's gorgeous. She has long, wavy blonde-brown hair and pretty eyes. She's fucking flawless, too, and has this kinda face, you know? The kind that makes you want to help her with everything. She's skinny, beautiful, but kinda boring at times. She'd probably be my friend if it wasn't for my situation.

And she was calling the guy holding onto my arm Felix.

Please tell me the guy isn't who she says he is.

"Hey, have you seen Felix?" Marzia, the gorgeous blonde, asks the guy behind me. Oh, thank God.

He shakes his head. "Why?" I turn around and finally look at him and realize how pale he is and that his hood is covering his face.

"I thought you of all people would know." Marzia shrugged and turned away. I continue being dragged into the hallway where he stops. He turns and grins at me. "Cry! Cry, it's me. Spoon?"

I pause. "Wait…Holy fuck, you're back!" I jump at him and wrap my legs around his waist. My head is on fire by this point. "You're back." I wrap my arms around his neck and smile.

No, we are not dating. We just have a really gay friendship.

He tries to hold me up by pushing me against a wall. "Hey, little bro, how's it going?"

"Where the hell have you been?!" I cry. "You've been, like, gone forever."

"Remember when I said I'd go to LA, meet a guy, get married in Vegas and then leave him a month afterwards claiming my exboyfriend shot himself and I have no idea how to function." He help his left hand up in front of his hooded face. "Ba-bam, bitches."

I drop off of him. "You did _not_."

"I did. The ring's fucking platinum, man."

"You ran away from home for a year to do that?!" I cry.

"Hitchhiked there and back." Spoon says proudly.

I stand up and just start sloppily and gently beating his shoulder. "You broke his little heart, you bastard! You're underage how did you get married?!"

"I might have maybe claimed I was just maybe possibly nineteen." Spoon shrugged. "Opps." He grabbed my waist and dips me down. "Now, fifty dollars, eh? When the fuck did you become a prostitute?"

I try to shove him off. "Oh, what of it?"

"You charge cheap." Spoon leaned in. He trails one hands up my stomach and makes me shiver shamelessly. "But you know what? I've been trying to get you in bed for the longest time and now-"

"Not in the hallway." A voice said. "Plus, Cry has other clients." It was Felix, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. He held out his cellphone. "Get out, Spoon." Spoon sticks out his tongue, drops me hard and leaves, looking over his shoulder just barely to wink.

Felix grabs my arm and yanks me up. "He'll give you herpes."

"I'll use a condom. It's not your job to intervene." I say instantly and without thought. He raised an eyebrow. "I had fifty dollars riding on that cock!" I shout. That when the drinks hit me again and I suddenly feel nauseous. "Uh…Felix…"

"Upstairs. Now. There's at least one bathroom I know that no one's fucking in." Felix grabs he collar of my shirt and drags me upstairs. He enters Toby's room and seems oblivious to the fact that Toby is passed out with three girls on the bed. He just drags me to the silver and white bathroom and drops my off in front of the toilet. "Okay. Now."

I throw up all my drinks from tonight very, very, very quickly.

When I'm down, he gives me a washcloth and helps me clean my face. He's not too gentle but at the same time my drunk self can't help but find him endearing and adorable. I even tell him this only to have him shake his head and tell me he'll beat to a pulp when I'm sober.

When Monday rolls around, he does.

**A/N: Update, update, update! Woohoo. And I toss Spoon in there for future use and go eat myself some red velvet cake in celebration.**

**I hope you all are feeling good and that you all enjoy your lives. **

**By the way, once a smut chapter comes out the rating on this will definitely be bumped to M. I'll have to, considering the kinky stuff I have planned. Let's just hope my friends don't find these files…derp.**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	9. Chapter 9: A Different Kind of Falling

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Nine: Different Kind of Falling **

_**Warning: This Chapter Contains Hardcore Smut. **_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised.**_

"Fifty dollars. Same offer as last Saturday." Spoon holds out the bill and waves it around my face. "And you came ready to undress. Perfect." I'm in jeans and a band tee and don't see the appeal, but whatever. He holds out his hand. "Yes or no?"

I have the option to walk away now.

I was blowing off my study appointment with Felix, motherfucking Felix, and instead coming here to make quick money by sleeping with this emo bastard of a senior. He was my first friend to ever request my services, if I could call him a friend. He had been trying to get in my pants since seventh grade.

I take his hand and he turns and pulled me in. Spoon slams the door behind me and drags me upstairs. I start feeling numb, a sinking feeling digging into my stomach. I was leaving Felix for this, for Spoon's dirty sheets.

His parents had moved out to a better house and gave the seventeen year old their house. They moved away and didn't really care when Spoon ran off to LA.

Poor kid.

When I get upstairs to the longer carpeted hallway, I feel nervous. I'm never nervous, and I can't explain why I am today. It's probably just Spoon's perfect, creepy, sexy aura that was jacking me up. I could barely handle it without the sex, honestly, let alone in bed. What am I doing?

When I'm finally in his room I stand where he left me while he closes the door and locks with an echoing click. My eyes close as his hands closed around my waist and he presses against my back. "Remember seventh grade? I was a freshman, trying to take you home to my room everyday…you wouldn't pay attention to me, you only loved him. Felix Kjellburg, the one who interrupted us last weekend. But no one can interrupt me now." He raises a hand to set gently against my throat. His touch is like lightning. "You're mine today."

I have a weird interest in Spoon. He's more sexual experienced then even me and has always found a way to get me turned on just by simply smiling at me. I don't know how I should feel about it, considering the fact I don't in any way, shape or form actually love him. All I know is I want to feel him at least once.

He shoves me on the bed and climbs on top of me. He takes a moment just to stare at me before he leans down and kisses me roughly. He hands trail up and down my waist, occasionally grabbing my thin hips and digging his thumbs into my bones. His wedding ring shines and glares at me as his tongue slips into my waiting mouth and runs over mine. I gasp as his cold, pale hands slip under the hem of my shirt and ghost over my stomach. His mouth leaves mine and trails down my jawline and neck. I honestly have never felt this way before, and I let out a small mewling noise as his teeth bit on my collarbone. "You have a lot of bruises, Cry…" He whispers. "What if I added a few more? Made you mine in between your thighs and all over your chest…"

I nod is response and he looks over my face again. "You're so easy, aren't you?" His hand trails my stomach and lands on the growing bulge in my pants. I look down at his smirking face as he presses down gently and teasingly. My lips part and he elicits a moan from my by stroking downward. He laughs and moves back up to put my waist between his legs.

His hands move to pull my tee shirt off and he just stares at me hungrily before tossing my shirt to the side and leaned down to kiss my bare chest. His eyes don't leave mine once and it unnerves me. His hands move up and toys with my slowly hardening nipples. Spoon smirks at my moan and moves up to suck slowly, running his tongue along me and making me gasp and squeak. I start begging for nothing in particular. "Please…Please…God, Spoon, please…" I have never been reduced to this state before.

He sits back up again and just stares at me. I don't know if it's the adrenaline or the fact that I'm actually enjoying myself for once because I'm the center of his attention, but he's the sexiest thing alive right now. He's water and I'm thirsting in a desert. Not another thought crosses my mind but him.

I think I've found my sexual weakness. It's Spoon.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He says calmly.

I need him naked. Now.

"Please…just fuck me already…" I had never been this weak before and it's bothering me. I can't keep strong in this situation and it's burning me on the inside. I suddenly think of Felix…he's waiting for me. But I'm waiting for Spoon's cock.

"No." Spoon smiles. "Not yet." He reaches down and grabbed the waistband of my jeans. He doesn't unbutton them but instead leans down and teases my waist with his tongue. He locks eyes with me as he trails his tongue on my skin. "You taste sweet." He stops long enough to speak before returning to his job.

He unbuttons my jeans slyly with one hand. "I've thought about this for a long time, bitch." He runs his tongue over his lips. "I plan to make this fifty dollars last."

I usually say something sexy back at this point, it's my job, but I can't bring myself to speak without moaning. Spoon doesn't need me to talk though, he's too busy staring at my hard-on through my boxers. He suddenly yanks my jeans down to my knees and backs up as I kick them the rest of the way off. I'm begging again, this time saying what I want. "Touch me…please, Spoon, please…"

He just plays with my waistband with his long, cold fingers. He doesn't stop smiling and it's freaking me out and turning me on at the same time. Without warning, he yanks my boxers down and tosses them across the room. The sudden cold against my hard erection makes me squeak and Spoon just laughs. His hands move and massage my hips while he purposely avoids my member. I bite my lip when the strings of his sweatshirt graze the tip of my erection. He moves his hands up and down my milky white thighs and reveals in the feeling of being in control. I can see on his face he's getting hot.

That's when I suddenly scream.

Spoon had taken my entire length into his mouth. It was literally like he had no gag reflex. He hummed and made me moan loudly. "Oh, fuck…fuck…" He moves off and just kisses the tip and slowly licks the slit. My eyes widen and I'm losing the ability to think to the waves of pleasure going up my spine. He licks up the vein and then swallows me whole again, bobbing his head up and down. My hands are shaking and I reached out and tangle my hands in his hair. "Oh, God…Where did you learn to do this? You're husband?" I barely even manage to form the words without breaking off in a violent shudder.

He looks me right in the eye and smirks. Some of my precum drips off his upper lip. "Gay fanfiction." Spoon engulfs my member again and elicits almost violent moans from me. That when I feel the sharp tingle in my lower abdomen and I know I won't last long if he keeps humming Nirvana with my dick down his wet throat.

He let's go with a loud pop and crawls up and grinds his hip to mine while pressing his hard-on against my thigh. He presses his lips to mine hungryily, shoving his tongue into my mouth. I want to reach down and give my length attention, but I know he'll turn this into a dominatrix position and I would get out unharmed. I know him. He's evil. He would hurt me in a heartbeat if I said the wrong things, let alone the wrong name.

I start begging again and he grabs my member in his hands, running it up once from the base to the tip. When I groan and buck up into his hand, he brings one hands down in between his legs. After rubbing himself through his jeans he grabs my length again. "Do you want my cock?"

I don't respond. I'm too busy bucking insanely into his hand.

"You have to talk to get me." He breathes heavily.

"Y-yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I want your cock!"

"Say my name."

"Yes, I want your cock, Spoon!"

Spoon grabs my hips and flips me over. I can't see him, but I feel his gaze staring at my back and my spine. He runs a finger down the bones and kisses the back-dimples just above my ass. Two fingers press against my mouth. "Suck." And I do. I run my tongue over the digits and suck. "Ya, just like that. Like the good little whore you are."

He takes the fingers away and I feel a prodding at my hole. I take a deep breath as he sticks one finger in and slowly begins to move in and out. It feels fine, so I tell him to put in more. He puts the second one in a scissors my hole, still not getting the reaction he wants. He suddenly sticks in two more and that when I whimper and gasp. "Dry?" I swallow hard. "Really, Spoon?"

"Fine." He takes his fingers out. "Get yourself ready."

I hesitantly suck on one of my fingers then trail it to my ass. After inserting it into myself I start moving in and out. Suddenly, I hit a bundle of nerves that makes me fall on my face and start fucking myself like a little bitch. I'm moaning and I can tell Spoon's getting himself off at this, still in his jeans and had only pulled himself out of his boxers. I'm so close I can taste it and I feel the pit growing in my stomach. My dick begs for simulation.

But then my hand is smacked away. "My turn, bitch."

He had put lube onto himself while I was fingerfucking myself, so he didn't waste time to insert himself at a decently fast pace into me. He's large and hot, and I groan while my back arches as he licks up my back. "Fuck, how are you still so tight?" He doesn't even let me get used to the feeling before starting to thrust roughly into me. He experiments a little, moving around, until sudden I throw my head back and scream.

He found it.

Spoon suddenly jerks and slams into that exact area again. I scream and clutch onto his dirty sheets. "Fuck!" He continues this, making me yell over and over. "Yes! Oh, God! Fuck! Yes! Harder!" I can't tell if he's close, but I'm about to ruin his sheets. I feel the familiar feeling growing in me, larger and larger. "I'm..I-I'm going to…Fuck!" I gasp again.

"Say my name." He demands in a strained voice. "Beg for it."

"Spoon! Yes, faster! Touch me, please!" I shout. He must have enjoyed my over-eagerness because he grabs my length and pulls down and up at a vicious pace. "Sp-spoon! A-ah-ah, fuck…" I cum into his hand and he continues to stroke me while he finishes. "Fuck…" I find myself whispering that word over and over. When he finally pulls out and slumps back onto his pillows, I fall forwards onto my stomach. I'm trembling.

I haven't cum like that in forever.

I can hear my phone ringing in my jean pocket. I don't know how long it's been ringing, but it's been a good long while appearently. Spoon growls almost. "Just shut that up and answer it." I reach out with a shaking hand to grab the phone and answer it. "H-hey?"

"God dammit, Cry! Where the hell are you?! You're thirty minutes late." Felix barks at me from the phone. "And why do you sound like a fucked puppy?"

I don't know how to answer that exactly. "I'll…I'll be over in a-about twenty."

"If you are even another minute late from twenty then you are fucking dead!" The line goes blank and I drop the phone onto the bed.

"Leaving so soon? Fifty dollars should go a lot longer than only one fuck." Spoon says and reaches for my hips.

I scoot away. "Use it up later, I have a life to get back to." My hands are shaking when I get dressed. He just stares at me and casually strokes his re-hardening cock. "I can come back next weekend."

"I'll give you forty next weekend." He says. "Same time, get here fast, got it?"

I just nod. I leave quickly and hop into my mother's crappy car to drive to Felix's house.

I blew off Felix for sex.

Sex with Spoon.

I sigh and bury my face in my arms at the first red light.

I'm a bastard.

**A/N: And the rating is up to M like promised. If you continue reading after that hot mess I clap for you. *claps* And I am rather proud of this, considering it's my first real smut. Enjoy.**

**Love you all! *kisseS***


	10. Chapter 10: Bitter Realizations

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Ten: Bitter Realizations**

I'm simply walking home from school when the red convertible. "Hey, fag! Get in or get killed!"

Well, that escalated quickly.

Felix doesn't even have to unlock the car, I just jump over the door and toss my bag in the back before belting myself in as he starts speeding down the road and barely stopping at the lights. My hands gripped the seat. "Felix!" I screech. "What the fuck?!" Maybe he was finally kidnapping me and selling me into sex trade or something. I need to be smarter.

Have I ever told you about my town? It's always rainy, almost never sunny, and is pretty run down. It's called Silverfalls and it's in Florida. The good half is known as Crystal City and is the part where I live and breathe and function. The other half, the run down part, where I work, is known just as SIlverfalls. We got lazy. Over there is a strip club, my job, the hotels and such. Over here, Crystal City, is the neighborhoods and the good little schools and such.

The mayor of the town had a sex scandal last week. He lives in the Silverfalls half. Was walked in on fucking someone that wasn't his wife.

My mother still hasn't questioned the random money appearing in her drawers and pillows. My fucking doesn't end badly, it ends in enough money to help my brother and mom.

"Felix?!" I try again.

"Shut up." He hisses. We were leaving town now and going to some drive-in place famous for teenage make-outs. My stomach was flipping now. What was going on?

He not only pulls into a parking spot but stops the car and grips the steering wheel hard with his hands. He's grimacing and his face is twisted up. He's showing emotion. It nearly makes me have a terrified heart attack.

"Felix-"

Suddenly, he speaks up. "Marzia's pregnant."

"What?" My jaw drops. "Pregnant?"

"It's not mine."

And he suddenly started to cry.

I don't know what to do. He just started crying softly, tears rolling down his face. I don't want to get in the way, but I need to help. Or at least try to.

"What happened?" I ask quietly.

"Toby. She was with Toby. He wasn't out of town the last night, they were in Silverfalls. A hotel." Felix sobs out. "And they didn't use protection." He suddenly punches the steering wheel and the horn goes off briefly. "She told me after school. She told me they don't have a gender yet and that she'll be seeing Toby from now on…and that her parents have her on lock down basically."

"That night three weeks ago…" I trail off. "Did she visit a doctor? My mom said pregnancy tests are reliable."

"Yep." Felix nods. "A doctor. A motherfucking doctor…she's pregnant." He hits the wheel again and makes me wince. Lots of pint-up anger. "The due date's right in the middle of the next year. Her parents are pro-life and won't let her get an abortion like she wants. They're not only gonna keep it, but they're demanding custody of the child until Marzia and Toby both get out of college. Toby wasn't even going to go to college, man…"

"Why are you telling me all this, Felix?" I ask quietly.

"Because…shit, I don't know. I need someone to talk to about it and you were right there, okay?"

"Who knows?" I ask. "Who knows about the baby?"

"No one. Not a soul. Toby and Marzia, obviously, and then me and you. Her parents know and she's being forced out of the cheer squad." Felix head was in his hands. "What…what did I do wrong, Cry?"

I didn't have an answer. What exactly did he do wrong? Why would she cheat on him? "Did you ever hit her like you hit me?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" He turned around and glared at me with red, swollen eyes. "Hit my girlfriend?"

"Sorry, sorry." I hold up my hands in defense. "I was just guessing."

"Just shut up." He crumbled down again and started sobbing once more. "She's such a bitch…I hate her…She fucking cheated on me."

"It's not your fault." I try to encourage him but he just puts his head in his hands and sobs.

His sorrow was quickly turning into anger and I know my life and wellbeing would be in danger if he didn't find a violent outlet besides me. I find myself unconsciously trying to find my way out of the car with my hand behind my back. He's stopped crying now and hits his fist on the wheel. I pull on the door but realize it's locked. It's a convertible, so I'm safe if I need it. I casually undo my seatbelt and put my backpack over my shoulder.

I need to channel his anger and energy into something far away form me.

Wait.

I've got an idea.

Thank you, trashy music, for inspiring me.

"Did you and Marzia ever sext?" I ask quietly.

He turned and glares at me. "What? Why are you asking me that, gaylord?"

"Well." I start uncertainly. "You could post her nudes on a website or send them around. Revenge for her cheating, you know?"

Felix looks hysterically angrily for a second and instinctively lifts a fist, then pauses. "Wait…Repeat that."

"Send her nudes around for revenge for cheating." I squeak out. "Please don't kill me."

He brings down his fist and looks at the steering wheel. "I…I think getting pregnant is revenge enough…"

"Did her getting pregnant make you feel better or worse?" I say.

"…Here. Look at the pictures first." He was being to vunrable with me when he handed me the phone. "They're under the 'NONE' file on my albums." I open up the file nervously. Oh, shit, what will I find? I'm not one hundred percent sure that naked pictures of my competition is what I need. I look anyway, for his sake.

She's gorgeous. She looks so shy and nervous, with a hesitant smile and it's obvious her hands were shaking when took the picture, it's blurry on the edges. Her hair is so fucking long it's unfair and at the end of the album are screenshots of the sexy conversations Felix and Marzia had over text. It's…weirdly sweet. Trusting.

I feel a little bad for shattering that trust.

"Perfect. These three." I point to the three perfect pictures: Marzia topless, her with her legs spread and her in nothing but pink lace panties. "Send them to me. I can print them out at FedEx and I know what to do with them."

"Hell no I'm not sending it. Better yet, I'm going to help you. It's my revenge, not yours, right?"

Oh ya. It's _his _revenge. He needs a say in this.

"Fine. We'll both go and print them. Thank God it's Thursday, because I don't want to deal with a tearful cheerleader for a whole week. I can rest for two days before hand."

"Can you come over for the project on Saturday?" Felix asks, wiping his eyes on his black sleeve.

"What time?

"Why does it matter?"

"I…I've got a client." I say shamefully. I look away.

"Who's the client?" He says. He's back to himself, stoic and scary.

I don't want to say it. Especially since Spoon had just bought some, and I quote, 'new condoms to test out.' Felix hates Spoon, for more than one reason, and it wouldn't make my life any easier. "No one."

"Fine. You don't tell me the client and you definitely don't tell anyone I was fucking crying, prick, or you're dead!" Felix raises his voice slightly and then puts back on his seatbelt. "Let's go. We have shit to print out."

Shit indeed.

**A/N: I am excited for the upcoming events. Seriously. More smut, more drama, and yes, we'll have some CutieBuscus moments because I am planning on having that baby in this story.**

**Double Digits Chapters! Yay! I'm not satisfied with the pace of this chapter, but I like the vagueness of it.**

**And don't worry, all the PewdieCry smut will be just as good if not better than the Croon smut. There will be more Croon smut though, the way the story is planned. ^^**

**By the way, if you're an artist and you want to make a cover for the story, go ahead. I'd love to see your creativeness. Just post it on tumblr or on dA and message me a link. **

**Love you all! *kisses***


	11. Chapter 11: Revenge Porn

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Eleven: Revenge Porn**

I walk into the school an hour early this morning through the janitor's entrance with Felix trailing me. We both are holding huge stacks of papers, flyer-sized pictures with words like 'slut' and 'fap, fap, fap' printed on them in red. We start opening every unlocked locker and shoving one of each picture in. We put them in the locker room lockers, the leftover bags from people and the locked lockers get it shoved in through those vent-thingys.

We both work quickly and quietly and put all the leftover's in Mariza's locker then walk back to smoke in the parking lot until more people arrive. Felix is emotionless except for his eyes, which are charged with adrenaline.

Perfect.

"Cry?"

"Ya?"

"Why are you wearing that?" He points to my cloths and I look down. I have on a huge sweatshirt that goes down mid-thigh on me.

"What's wrong with it?" I ask. "It's not skimpy."

"Some people prefer skimpy." He shrugs and looked away casually. "For business. Because whoring around is important to you."

On the outside I'm rolling my eyes. On the inside I don't know what to think.

"It's not important, just my job." I say.

"What about after college?" Felix turns to look at me. "What about after you're all grown up. What will you do?"

I shrug. "Hopefully nothing like I'm doing now."

"What effort are you putting to that?" He asks. "You'll end up just like this if you aren't careful."

"I don't have to put in effort as long as I know the right people." I look at the ground.

Once more and more people arrive, we start back into the school. I meet up with Minx and Drew at the entrance to the sophomore hallways. Drew has a major crush on Minx and it's actually very cute. He clings to her like a puppy sometimes. We talk for a few minutes about nothing in particular.

"Dude!" Russ runs up from behind and whips me around to face him. "It's Marzia!" He cries. "You have to see this." He grabs my arm and pulls me into the hall.

Oh God.

The floor is covered, and I mean blanketed in our flyers. Naked pictures of Marzia are everywhere. Teachers are running around yelling at the students. Guys grab what they can then run to lock themselves in the bathroom. People are on their phones tweeting and texting all about this, girls are laughing at her. The principal looks like he's going to have a heartattack. Felix is being talked to by some guys, mixtures of condolences and high fives mixing in.

He catches my eye and just barely winks to let me know we did a good job. I'll hold onto that forever, most likely, even if it means nothing. He's actually decently amused because of me again. It's just like seventh grade, only more extreme.

"Who fucking did this?" Red asks at lunch.

I just smile. "Me and Felix make good partners."

"No…" Scott trails off. "You didn't." Russ laughs out loud. "Revenge porn…nice one."

Scott turns and glares at him. "No, not nice. This is serious. You could have just ruined her reputation."

"She did that herself." I say plainly.

"No she didn't. You just did."

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Scott." I suddenly burst out. "You don't fucking understand, you with Raven and your fucking perfect love life and your perfect family and perfectly perfect life!" I don't know why I'm yelling. "Shut up, okay, Scott? Quit judging other people's lives!" I'm getting stared at and grab my bag to leave. I end up in the library for the rest of lunch with Shiro. He follows. He understands.

We have a school assembly on the matter, parents are called and the janitors are brought to dispose of all the flyers. We're all sent home early and I end up cuddling with Nathan for the rest of the day while my phone rings almost non-stop with pictures and mass texts. He ends up wanting to watch a lot of old Disney movies.

We built this day on chaos

In the middle of it all stands Marzia, crying, being held by the hand by Toby. She looks like she just wants to die.

But I don't think I regret this.

At least, not too much.

My phone goes off in my pocket. It's a text from Spoon reminding me to come over on Saturday at three for my job. I text back and ask if it'll be over by six, and he says it depends on how good I am. I don't know whether to be scared or not so I just text back 'k'.

**A/N: I'm going to address two things in this Author's Note. I have gotten two private messages lately:**

**No, Drew Shiro is not a YouTuber ^^ He's a figment of my mind and my weird need for an innocent freshman character. Sorry to disappoint.**

**NO, I do not hate Marzia. I know she's with Felix, I love them together. She's so sweet, so pretty, and I watch her fashion videos often. NO, I do not think she would get pregnant or sext, nor do I believe she would cheat on Pewds with Toby, nor do I think Pewds would stoop as low as to send her nudes around if this situation occurred. He's a big sweetheart, he's too nice to do that. But is nice entertaining? Nope! Plus, I had to get a way for Felix and Marzia to break up in the story or it'd just be constant whoring around for Cry and lots of abuse and most likely in a third-person view of Cry's suicide. That's a whole different genre. It's FANFICTION. Keyword FICTION. It's just a story. Calm your tits and eat a brownie. Go ahead and keep messaging me if you feel the need to let me know 'how wrong I am', but please at least use proper grammar and be a little nice about it.**

**So ya. Next chapter will contain smut, so be warned/get excited! **

**Blood on The Dance Floor Chapter Title. Woo.**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	12. Chapter 12: Bloody Sexland

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twelve: Bloody Sexland**

_**Warning: This Chapter Contains Minor Smut**_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised**_

"Moan for me…"

"Oh…Oh, fuck, yes…" I throw my head back and moan loudly. Spoon thrusts deep into me from the end of the bed, and this time I'm facing him. Seeing his face is just as hot, if not hotter, and it's making me reach my climax much quicker. "God…yes…touch me."

"Beg!" He demands.

"Please! Spoon, God, touch me, make me finish!" I scream. He reaches out and grabs my length in his hand and moves his hand up and down almost unnaturally fast. "Oh, shit!" I cry.

"Cry…come for me." Spoon moans out. "Now. Do it, slut." Slut. Bitch. Whatever name he calls me, I get turned on. "Now."

"Sp-spoon, I think…I m-might…oh, shit." I reach my hand up and cover my eyes with my arm.

"No, move it. I want to see it in your eyes when you come." He lets go of my hip to yank my arm down.

And I come, hard, making eye contact with him and get it all over my chest. That's usually why I hate being on my back. It causes such a nasty mess on me. Spoon comes inside me soon after, rolls off the condom and tosses it in the garbage. He falls onto the bed next to me and both of us are panting hard. "What time is it?" I manage to form the words just barely.

Spoon checks his watch with a slightly trembling hand. "Ten till four." He turns to me, him still fully clothed and me completely naked except my shirt. He leans forward and bites my collarbone gently to tease me. "We still have time for just one more…"

"No we don't. I have to shower and drive across town." I shake my head and sit up slowly. I'm aching and my thighs are literally trembling. It was amazing. "I need to go. Now."

"But that was only a blowjob and one fuck…forty is worth so much more!" Spoon says.

"I can make up for it next weekend." I shrug.

"Fine. Fifty again next weekend and I expect more." He says. I know what he expects and it's not worth it.

"I don't sixty-nine."

"Not even for one hundred bucks?" He pouts and breaks off in a laugh.

"Where do you even find all of this money?" I glare at him while reaching for my boxers.

"My parents give me five hundred to live off of once a month. They pay for the house and I'm supposed to pay for the food. I only need so little to survive though. I need to make good use of my money." Spoon shrugs and I roll my eyes. I can't help but feel sorry for him though.

"Look, Spoon. I gotta go. I'll be back, I swear." I say. I'm finished getting dressed and I can already feel the sticky cum on my chest. "I'll let myself out." And I did. I drive to Raven's house, shower and wash my clothes quickly. Scott's over, and we barely make eye contact. After I blew up at him for no reason yesterday we haven't talked. I just shower, clean my clothes, make small talk with Raven and leave after drying my long hair.

I get in the car and drive to my lovely science partner's house to do whatever the hell he wanted to do.

Let's do this.

I let myself in and toss my sweatshirt on the couch. "Felix? The door was open…Fel?" Not in the living room. I don't hear him upstairs. No lights on down the guest hallway. One room left.

"The kitchen!" He yells. I walk in and he's opening a really cheap box of wine.

"What's that? Boxed wine?" I walk over.

"Yep. From Target." Felix smiles almost proudly. "I got it just to celebrate not getting caught yesterday." He gets out two plastic cups and tips the nozzle on the box. "I'm surprised she didn't report us."

"Seriously." I nod. "I wonder what she's up to."

"Hopefully crying." Felix said and hands me my cup. He holds his up and taps it against mine. "To us and our great successes." He chugs afterwards and I follow suit. We finish the cups and toss them away quickly. "Project?

"Project." I nod and we both walk to the living room. "We need to actually start collecting liquids to test with all of this damn stuff." I sit cross-legged on the ground in front of the box that holds our supplies the teacher had given us: iodine, test tubes, a camera and lots of papers. Litmus tests and chemical thermometers. Everything.

"We have tap water." Felix said. "Bottled water. Wine. Beer."

"Legal stuff for people our age." I roll my eyes. "Sprite, pond water, orange juice."

"Fine." Felix sighed. "Should we start testing or just the paper? Or…" He shoves the box out of the way. "We can break out the old Playstation and play."

"You still play videogames?" I look up at him when he stands up to turn the system on.

"Occasionally. It kept me calm after a fight with Marzia or my aunt would actually come home. Anger issues, you know? That's why I box down at the gym." He sits down next to me with a thud and passes the controller while turning on the old television.

"You box? Really?"

"Ya. I'm pretty good too. I would love to do it professionally if my parents weren't pressuring me to become Mister Manly Eye Doctor." He rolls his eyes. "What game?"

"The easiest. I haven't played in forever." I say and fiddle my fingers over the controller. I don't remember any of this. I remember some of it, but not all of it.

"What about this Swedish indie game?" Felix smirks and turned to me. My stomach flips over at seeing him like this. "Bloody Trapland."

"Sounds like dating a girl on her period." I say and he chuckles. "But fine. Let's play."

And we do and it gets intense. We start yelling and getting frustrated at this awful puzzle game. Felix can't stop dying, I keep pointing out my character's adorable yellow blanket and it finally ends with Felix slamming down his controller and drinking the wine straight from the box.

I wish I could say we got drunk and made out.

But, honestly, we got drunk and fell asleep on the couch while talking about how amazing Jennifer Lawrence was in that older meth head movie. I don't even remember how we got on the topic, I just remember me giggling about how amazing my job is.

It's not amazing.

**A/N: Look, they're friends. How totally adorable. :D**

**I've been working on this Wonderland pin-up girl collection I've been requested to draw on tumblr and its inspired me for some stuff from Cry and Spoon to try out…la hint-hint.**

**Also, I can't really write while at my dad's house because of intense family stuff. You're lucky I got this posted. Maybe no update tomorrow. Also, with further thinking, this story will be continuing for many chapters. Maybe even over one hundred. Oh, my god have mercy on my fingers. I pray no carpal tunnel.**

**Anyone else seen the movie Hana? It's a good movie. *random thought***

**Love you all! *kisses***


	13. Chapter 13: Flavored Judgment

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirteen: Flavored Judgment**

It's a beautiful Saturday and I'm lying on the bed after being fucked, hard, by Spoon. Blowjob, fuck, handjob, oral, second fuck. A bunch of dirty talk and porn-watching. I was shocked the timer on my phone hadn't gone off yet. He must just not last long and I must not either. Ya, I set a timer on my phone so I wouldn't be late to Felix's. My phone's on the dresser, where I left it, and I'm waiting for it to go off.

I had stayed Saturday with Felix for two weekends and it's been great. Lots of drinking, working on the project and videogames. I've mastered Bloody Trapland and am working on Left 4 Dead. I'm getting pretty damn good. I could do this videogame stuff professionally.

Spoon has left to go get me some water. I'm writhing in the room alone. I wipe off all of his and my cum onto his sheets and off my chest. It's a sticky, discussing mess that I don't want to deal with. I'll have to shower before Felix's or he'll know.

It feels a lot longer than just one hour here.

I pull up my pants, just to cover myself up, and then painfully crawl to the dresser. I lean over the bed…where the fuck is my phone?

It was right there. It and the headphones. The headphones are there but not my phone.

Fuck. This is bad.

I stand up despite my body's loud screams of pain and staunter out of the bedroom and into the hall. "Spoon?" No answer. No reply. "Spoon?!" Silence. I sigh and grab onto the handrail of the carpet's stairs that leads to the ground floor. I walk a little too quickly to the kitchen and have to stop before I double over. My ass is on fire.

"Spoon?" I call again.

"Cry? Are you downstairs?" A response. Finally.

"Ya…" I lean into the kitchen. "Have you seen my phone?"

"Oh…why?" He looks up from the counter. He looks so devious.

"The timer. Texts from family and friends." I try to level out my voice but it isn't working. You can hear my tiny panic. My phone is my lifeline.

He chuckles and reached into his sweatshirt pocket. "This phone?" And in his hand is my perfectly noticeable white iPhone.

I go against my better judgment and dive forward to grab it. He jerks it away, high above me. God dammit, why am I so short?! "Give it over, fuckass!" He just laughs. "I'm serious!"

"I would…but I think turning it on and seeing the notifications would be much more entertaining." He pushes his slim index finger against the power button and it slowly turns on. It's a paralyzing twenty seconds as the phone turns on and the Wifi and signals start working.

That's when it beeps.

First, it says I have ten new messages, one new call. My heart sinks when the timer finally goes off. "Look!" He laughs. "More than a whole hour late on the timer, how hilarious. Oh, look, little Felix is worried about you. 'Where are you?' 'Come on.' 'Are you okay?' This is priceless."

I snap. "Give it back, you fucking bastard! You turned off my phone and took it! You asshole!" I jump and he lets me have it.

"Worth it. By the way, I got a bunch of money riding on your next time here." Spoon says. "And today you earned yourself an extra fifty. Your mouth is perfect for fucking." I growl in disgust and just shake my head. "Fuck you, Spoon. I'm leaving."

I grab my stuff and leave, fast, and speed the way to Felix's house across town. How do I explain this? I was fucking someone who turned off my phone? I'm screwed. He'll kill me.

I walk in the door and slam my stuff on the couch. "Felix?" I cry.

"Cry? He shouts from the kitchen and rushes into the room. "Where the fuck were you?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm here." I say.

"Dude, you smell like sex. Explain." Felix says loudly. "Are you okay? Who was the client and why did you stay so long?"

"It's fine." I say loudly.

"Tell me!"

"Fuck no!" I toss my jacket on the couch.

"Why not?"

"It's my own fucking business!"

"I was worried for you!"

"Fantastic, how'd that work out?"

"You didn't answer!"

"I was alive, wasn't I?" I frown. "Calm down, fucker."

"You could have been hurt!" He's getting close to my face and shouting now, but I'm retaliating just as much.

"I wasn't though!"

"Who was it?"

"Doesn't matter!"

"Yes it damn well does. Who. Is. It."

I look away. "It was Spoon, happy?"

"What did I say about that? He's bad news." He yells. "I said no."

"You aren't my dad!"

"I'm trying to protect you! He'll kill you!"

I try to push past him. "Not now. It's over."

He grabs my wrist and yanks me back. I stumble and fall against the door. "How much is he paying you?"

"Stop it." I growl.

"How much?" He demands.

I snap. "Why does it matter?" I scream. "It doesn't! It's just another fucking round of sex, isn't it? For money? Just another job as a whore!" Felix lets go and takes a step back. "Just another step closer to herpes! It's doesn't matter how much I get payed because it's all fucking the same! The worst part is I like it! I like my job when it comes to Spoon! He's amazing and I hate it because it's not fucking with you!" I look at his shocked face and fall to me knees, crying.

I feel a hand on my back. "Hey…Cry…Calm down."

"I hate it…It's not with you but it's fantastic and I hate it." I dart out and grab him around the waist and cry into his shirt.

He goes stiff for a second, then rubs my back. "Don't think I can't smell the alcohol."

"Spoon m-made me drink before we started. He s-says it makes me more flexible." I say. "F-felix?"

"Ya?"

"…Can I have some coffee?" I stammer and look up at him. He's wearing a similar expression to when he helped me in Toby's house that one time. He nods and slowly helps me stand. He leads me to sit and cry at the kitchen table. He gives me straight black coffee and sets it up for me. "Here. Just rest. You can sleep in the guestroom. We aren't gonna work on anything tonight, just relax, okay?"

That's what we do. We watch a movie and he lets me cuddle into his side, even when he doesn't reciprocate. I fall asleep with my head on his arm but wake up in the guestroom around three in the morning. I stand up and sway. I need water. When I open the door I accidently hit something. "Ugh…"

It was Felix, sitting on the ground. "Are you okay, Cry?" He looks up with red eyes. He hasn't been sleeping, I can tell.

"Thirsty." I rasp and sit down next to him on the floor. I clear my throat then speak again. "Why are you out here?"

"In case you had another breakdown."

"Thanks, Felix." I say quickly. "Seriously."

He smiles a little. "No problem."

And we both fall asleep on the hallway floor.

**A/N: I'm on a roll with these fast updates. **

**5,000 views! WOW! Thank you guys!**

**Hope you enjoyed, this was touching to me. I love you guys! Thanks for reading, reviewing, favoriting and following! *kisses***


	14. Chapter 14: Accidental Touching the S

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Fourteen: Accidentally Touching the Subject**

School hasn't changed.

Marzia's the same as she's been for the past few weeks. She's quiet, reserved, introverted and hiding behind Toby. It's a mixture of sadness and success every time I see her. Her stomach hasn't start showing yet, considering it's been less than three months. School's out soon, and her stomach will be huge by the time we get back. I'm excited for her to get fat.

Oh, that's mean.

Oh well.

The seniors were crying all the last month. A couple of girls crying the most, though, considering most of them are 'totally in love' with the person they lost their virginity to that senior.

I did too. I'll miss Ken. He's slightly a part of the Crew but at the same time not. He was my first full-body client and became decently protective of me. It was sweet, almost. He's my virginity-loser.

I wish it had been Felix though.

Speaking of Felix, our relationship is still pretty one-sided. Felix lets me cuddle his arm, sleep in his house on weekends, drink all the time and break down all the time in tears. He's decent to me at school, just tripping and yelling at me. I don't know if he means it anymore. I hope he doesn't.

I still go over to Spoon's and earn plenty of cash, but I've realized my reasons for prostitution have changed. At first, it was for acceptance. Then, it was for protection from bullies. It morphed into attention from Felix. But now…it's just for the money. I don't get a lot of clients anymore, but still hold up my reputation of school slut.

And the school's whiny bitch since the Marzia's nude incident. Everyone knows it was me and Felix. Everyone knows it was my idea.

The project was turned in last week. We got a low A, which was great for me. I'm proud of it. Our semester grades were high and we passed with flying colors.

None of it really hit me until the end of the last full week of school. I'm forced to sit through graduation and when I see Anthony, Felix's best friend, and Ken walk across the stage and get their diplomas to go to the University of Southern California and the Silverfalls Community College really kinda stabbed my heart.

I'm getting old.

I'm scared.

I need Felix.

I need to cuddle his arm and watch Titanic and drink and start giggling at his parenting skills when I get too drunk and we start playing videogames and then we both lose and get frustrated and I fall asleep on his arm and he carries me away and I wake up in the middle of the night and go upstairs and go to Felix's room and ask his if I can have a drink of water because it's more fun to play helpless then to help yourself.

I go to his house after school and knock on the door. No answer. I stand up on my tip-toes and grope around the top to grab the spare key. I shove it into the lock and walk into the house. "Felix?" I call out. No answer. No anything. Silence.

Suddenly, I heard a squeak. It wasn't just any squeak, it was a mattress squeak. I'm familiar with the sound. Obviously.

I drop my stuff on the couch and walk upstairs immediately. I'm slow and hesitant as I pad up the stairs. I heard a gasp and stop. I look around and then continue walking upstairs. Another noise, a mewling, and then the noises of over-done loft music.

I know what this sounds like.

It sounds like a porno.

I'm outside Felix's bedroom now. I reach out with a shaking hand to clutch the doorknob and open the door quickly. "Felix?" I cry out.

I stop.

He's jacking off, unzipped jeans and all, to a fucking gay porno glowing off his desktop. I can see his dick, I can see the gay porn, I can see all of it. I'm blushing insane. His dick is huge, he's so cute when he's close, that porn looks great and the vulnerable look on his face makes me feel hard in my under regions. I jump back when he yells. "Ever heard of knocking?!"

"Sorry!" I squeak and I close the door and rush downstairs. I sit on the couch and quickly think of women and old ladies to get my boner to go away. It works.

Then, Felix leaves his room and I hear the door open and hit the wall.

I can't tell if he's mad or excited or neither.

I might die.

"Cry?" He yells out as he stomps down the stairs. "Why are you here? I wasn't expecting you to come so early."

"I wasn't expecting you to cum to gay porn either." I say back and instantly regret it.

I feel the weigh shift on the couch. "Cry. I need you to never tell anyone what you saw."

"Are you gay?" I ask quickly and turn to look at him.

Felix looks at me and swallows. "Not gay. I had a girlfriend for two years."

"So what? Bi?"

"If…if you want to label it…yes. Bi." He's uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

"And…you know I like you? Like that?" I ask carefully.

He nods. "Yes. I know you like me." And he says nothing more. No reciprocated feelings. No dramatic admission of love.

He just…knows.

Knows and doesn't care.

It breaks me. This time, I refuse to show it.

"I'm sorry. I should have knocked. I can leave if you want." I say. My voice is shaking, though. It's obvious.

"No…you can stay." Felix says it stiffly. "There's no reason for you not to. Nothing happened. You just walked in and sat on my couch until I came downstairs."

I almost wish that's all I could have done.

**A/N: What's this? An update? I'm on about day six of daily updates and I'm PROUD**

**PROUD with ten minutes to spare**

**PROUD INDEED**

**Love you all! **


	15. Chapter 15: Close to Heat

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Fifteen: Close to Heat**

_**Warning: This Chapter Contains Hardcore Smut**_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised**_

Felix and I spent the weekend together pretending everything was okay. We didn't cuddle anymore. We sat on opposite sides of the couch. We didn't watch Titanic, we watched some stupid action movie. We didn't play Bloody Trapland or anything puzzle-like were we had to work together. We played a multiplayer Call of Duty. Sunday, he sat me down and made me swear not to tell a soul about what I had seen. We ended up yelling at each other and calling each other fags and cocksuckers. We were awful to each other. It even got a little violent. I started it, by slapping him, and he blew up and basically shoved me against a wall until my back ached.

I went home almost in tears.

The week was boring without school. First week of summer, hot a humid but rainy and lacking excitement. No more bullying, but no more clients. Nothing to do. The Crew ended up doing nothing but spending time with their significant others, and the single people like me or Ken spend the week at home. Nathan was out with his little friends, and my mother was working the whole time. I was alone, watching the television and sleeping.

Felix didn't call once.

And then Saturday rolled around again.

You remember those slutty Halloween costumes? It probably hasn't crossed your mind, and it hasn't mine either, considering it's only springtime and school isn't even out for three more months. Anyway, those costumes. The ones with the tights and the bra and the tiny little skirts. I've worn them before and Spoon knows that. Not only does he know this, but he's tried more than once to get me in a corset and tights. I thought I was safe when he left.

And now, he's back, and for one hundred dollars I was stuffed in a red and black striped corset and black shorts, long lacey fishnet tights on my pale legs and tiny black ballet-esk shoes on my feet. Black lace was everywhere. I stare at myself in the mirror of Spoon's bathroom.

"Oh God…" I mutter and turn to look at my back. The corset, considering I had no boobs to hold it up, was tightened completely. The outfit makes me look pale and tiny, feminine and weak. I look sexy, I admit, but that's not what I want right now.

Get me out of here.

He had made me down two vodka shots before I got dressed and I could feel it in my head, considering I drank two canned beers at Felix's this morning and still bear the hangover from last night. It's not going to end well. I want to call Felix to pick me up. But I can't.

I open the bathroom door slowly. I had been told to meet him in the living room when I was ready. I want to run, hide, find Felix and tell him to beat off Spoon's perfect head.

That's not an option. I have an expensive regular on the line here. With this money I can buy dinner for my family for a week or so. That's a big deal.

I step down the hall and to the living room. I peer through the door and Spoon is on the couch watching something on television. I put one hand on the doorframe and stick my leg out shyly. When Spoon notices his eyes goes wide and he's grinning insanely. He turns off the TV and holds out his hand. "Come on."

I hesitantly and stiffly walk over to the couch to stand before him. "Turn around and bend over." He says and makes a twirling motion with his fingers. I turned and slowly bend over. I look at the ground and try to keep in my mind that I love Felix, I love Spoon's sex and this is all for money.

That doesn't help.

He runs his hand under my shorts and grazes it over my ass. He stops and leans back onto the couch. "Turn around." I do, facing him. I've never had to do this before, like this before. Sure, I've worn costumes to parties but not like this.

"Straddle me." He says. I gingerly put up a leg and set him in between my thighs. I sit down hesitantly. "Good, baby." He says with an almost sweet intension. "Now…tell me what you think of the outfit."

I know what that means. He wants to hear what he wants, not what I really think. I want to say it's tight, uncomfortable, lacey in all the wrong places and I don't think even a five-year-old could fit these shorts. "I feel so sexy." I rasp. "So perfect…So ready for you to fuck me."

"Good…Kiss me."

I lean forward to press my lips to his. He's taking it slow and enjoying himself. His hard-on can be felt through his jeans. He snakes his tongue into my mouth and I jerked my head back suddenly. "I'm sorry." I say.

"You're hesitating." Snake narrows his eyes. "Why are you hesitating?"

I might have just dug my grave. "N-nothing. It's just…nothing." I look away and he turns my head to him again.

"Tell me." He whispers. His voice is so inviting.

"No, Spoon." I shake my head and lean forward to kiss his neck.

"Has he disappointed you? Again?" Spoon whispered sensually. It sends shivers down my spine. "Let me take away the pain, Cry…" I was believing him as I kiss his neck and down to his collarbone. He grabs my waist and pulls me closer. "Relax…let me touch you…"

"Spoon-"

"Let me make you forget…just for today…" I lean onto him and let him abuse my collarbone with his teeth. I moan involuntarily. The alcohol is clouding my mind. I'm begging him to lay a claim on me. I'm trying to get him to touch me.

It's working.

He bites down my neck and across the top of my chest. He's pulling the corset with his hands and trying to get the lace undone, and when he does he doesn't waste time to get it off. I lean onto his chest and let him bite my shoulders and grasp my ass. I grind into him and fist the back of his sweatshirt. "Spoon…Pound me…make me suffer…make me feel again good again…"

"What did Felix say?" Spoon coos. "Tell your savior."

_My savior._ Fuck, that turned me on more than it should. It was possessive and hot. "We fought…Oh, fuck…and he kept saying I was a faggot…he's bi and-" I stop. I pause my movements. I lean back and look at Spoon's face. He has a sympathetic look on, but his eyes shine with not-totally-innocent intention.

"Oh, baby…" He said softly. "You don't deserve that." He leans up and captures my lips in a kiss, making me momentarily forget I've fucked up.

His hands travel into my shorts and grab my ass. He moves one hand around to press against my growing erection and I gasp. He pushes me back onto the couch and leans over me to lean over me. He wiggles down the shorts to my knees. He smirks at my reaction to the cold air, a deep intake of breath, and brings his hands up to toy with my nipples. He yanks down the fishnet tights again. My mouth hangs open and he leans down to suck and nip my skin, slowly moving down to my member and licking the base like a lollipop. He moves up to kiss the tip and then leans back to unzip his jeans and work himself while stroking me up and down, slowly and teasingly.

"You deserve better…" He says. "Felix won't give you the better."

"Spoon…"

"Cry…" He says with a moan in his throat. "I can treat you better."

"Spoon, I-"

"I can help you with him." He moves his hand faster on himself and me and I start bucking my hips. I pant slightly and bite my lip. "I can help you…" That's when I feel the part in my stomach that means I'm about to cum.

"I'm close." I manage to get out.

"Wait for me." He says roughly. It's an order, not a suggestion.

I nodded and grip the couch with my hands. I've had a lot of practice with this, because a lot of people take longer than me, but I don't think my nails could go any deeper into my palms. "I can't wait." I gasp out.

Spoon nods and we both cum a few seconds later. I get some on my cheek, Spoon was leaning over me, and he wipes it off with his thumb. "Sorry." He says.

"Don't be." I pant.

"Cry…you deserve better then Felix. He hasn't even kissed you." Spoon takes my hand into his. "Cry…"

"Yes?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

**A/N: And let the games begin.**

**Do to situations and other stories and need me, updating might no longer be daily, but we'll see. This is a fun story to write and it's just getting good. It's the summer, in the story and in reality. You know what that means~**

**SUMMER LOVE. SUMMER HEAT. SMALL BATHING SUITS AND BEACH ROADTRIPS WITH THAT ONE SPECIAL PERSON. *lots of hints everywhere***

**Love you all! We're almost at 100 reviews! Wow! Thanks for everything! *kisses***


	16. Chapter 16: Frosted Tip Relationships

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Sixteen: Frosted Tip Relationships**

Having a boyfriend is hard.

I feel like I need to be texting him all the time but I don't want to annoy him. I feel like I should be with him every weekend and that jacking off is wrong. I feel like I should be making physical contact with him every time we're together. I feel like he should make love to me every night and I should wake him up with a kiss on the cheek every morning. I feel like I should step outside to get the mail and find surprise flowers for no reason, to find a box with a pink cupcake with a heart, to find a CD with my favorite songs. I feel like we should be able to stay up late at night talking about nothing in particular and should be able to act like an idiot in front of them and be kissed for it. I feel like I should be able to go everywhere with them and do everything, not just touch and cum. I feel like I should be able to curl up, each frosting out of a jar and watch an old Disney movie and sing along and reenact things as they happen with him.

I feel like I should love my boyfriend.

I just don't know anymore.

I don't know what I expected out of a relationship but I was cheated out of a perfect time.

"Spoon?" I look up and him and lean forward. I'm sitting on his lap on his couch in his living room in the second-to-last week of May. It's hot in his house, but a cool breeze from the A/C manages to keep us cool enough for contact. His lips are pressed to the back of my neck and he mumbles a reply into my skin.

"We've been together for a week and you haven't asked me on a real date yet."

"Then let's go." Spoon says. He turns me to face him. "Where to, baby?" He's looking up at me from under his hood and smiling at me sweetly. His eyes are stone cold.

"Well…no idea." I say. Everywhere that comes to mind, I've always imagined going with Felix. That's impossible right now.

"It's summer. We're in Florida. There's gotta be something you want to do." Spoon says.

"Well…" I trail off. "A movie?"

"Then how about we sneak into the pool down by Westbrook avenue and we skinny dip." He runs his hand up my leg and in between my thighs.

"I've never seen you completely naked." I say and stare at his hand as his thumb runs over my upper thigh.

"Then it will be a special treat indeed." He whispers in my ear. "What movie? Something loud and dark so you can get your face between my legs during the show?"

"Or something romantic like a real boyfriend and not a pedophile would ask for." I stick out my tongue and close my legs. I don't know if I'm joking or not.

"Fine. What shitty romance do you want to suck me off to?" Spoon asks.

"I'm not getting you off in a theater." I say. "We're going skinny dipping right afterwards."

"Good point. Don't want to be over-sensitive for you." He says. He pushes me off his lap and stands up. "We'll go tonight and see whatever's playing at eight." As he wanders to the kitchen, I fall onto my back and stare at the off-white ceiling.

I nod and look over at my phone. No calls, no texts. I'm slightly hoping Felix will call and save me. He won't, of course. I can't think like this. I have a boyfriend now. I'm taken, no longer single. I belong to one person and one person only: Spoon.

I feel arms around my waist and lips on my collarbone. He smells like the drink he just downed and his hands are still stiff to the touch. "Cry…When's the last time we did this?"

"This morning." I say, almost blandly. "Not again. We're leaving for the theater in around forty minutes, any who."

We end up fucking and not going.

Two days later, Spoon tells me he's invited Felix over.

"What?" I screech. "No, no. Bad idea."I'm waving my arms and shooking my head but he grabs my wrists and stops me. "Why? Why, God dammit?"

"You all need to get up over whatever the hell happened. We can all become friends, the three of us. It's in the past, baby." He got down eye-level with me. "And I want to show you off. I have you, I love you, and he can't have you because we're happy together and love each other very much. He's a bastard and I want to show him how he doesn't deserve an angel like you."

"I love you." I say.

Lying is against the Ten Commandments.

Felix comes begrudgingly at six and we all eat pizza and watch a movie. I can tell Felix is uncomfortable. Why he came, I'll never know. I sat on Spoon's lap as he touched and rubbing between my legs the entire length of the movie. I didn't like it, or like to have a boner in front of Felix, but it's hard not to have one as I'm being teased through denim. At one point I let out an involuntary moan and leave the room out of embarrassment. I end up in the kitchen and leaning over the sink washing out a cup full of soda.

When I turn around, I have a heart attack. Felix is standing a few feet away. I lean against the sink. "Felix-"

"You aren't happy." He said.

"Felix, listen-"

"Why are you with him?"

"Felix-"

"You shouldn't be with him." He's getting closer.

"Felix-"

"He's using you."

"Felix-"

"Isn't he still legally married?"

"Felix!" I suddenly yell in a whisper. "Stop it."

"Cry-"

"No." I say. "I'm with Spoon. Accept it. Why do you even fucking care?"

"I care because he's toxic."

"Cry!" He's calling from the living room. "Coming back, baby?"

I glare at Felix for a second before leaving the kitchen and returning to Spoon's side. I hear the front door click soon after. He left.

"How did you get him to come anyway?" I ask quietly.

"I promised him you'd be here."

**A/N: It's all getting very dramatic.**

**Hope you enjoy! I don't want to take exams but they're coming up and that means a lack of chapters very shortly, then I'm gone almost all summer and away from my laptop. So be warned that I might stop posting after a cliff hanger and leave you all sad. And I am so happy you all have other PewdieCrys other than mine to read when that happens.**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	17. Chapter 17: Don't Speak

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Seventeen: Don't Speak**

I haven't slept properly all week.

No, not because of Spoon. Spoon's routine is to fuck me twice a day then get drunk at night, pass out and let me leave. He calls early the next morning and begs for me to come over, all sweet and kind and apologetic. I love it when he's like that, kind and tempting.

I've actually been losing sleep because of Felix. He's been calling me every night and we have hour long conversations about how I should leave Spoon. I don't want to break up with him for two reasons. One, I think this relationship will save me from my job. I need the money, sure, but Spoon can sort of be my sugar daddy. He has useless cash everywhere that he gives to me every now and then for no other reason than the fact I'm dating him. That's an upside.

Reason two is because I'm honestly scared of Spoon.

It's gotten to the point that when he fucks me when I'm drunk he doesn't even care or notice if I'm not turned on. I end up having to fake an orgasm so he just gets off of me. Sure, I still get turned on, but after two rounds it gets painful and oversensitive and my consent isn't even an option sometimes. He threatens me when he's drunk, too, and says if I even look at any other guy he'll strangle me. It scares me, a lot. Especially when he's being sweet to me. I feel a little safe, then he snaps and starts whispering stuff in my ears I wish I could forget. Threats, sexual shit, sweet stuff that sounds gross coming from his mouth.

I don't know.

"Felix, you need to stop calling me." I whisper. "You don't understand." He goes through my phone.

"Cry, you need to listen." He says. "It's not safe for you there. He's toxic."

"You're endangering me by calling. Stop it." I hiss into the phone and lay back against the headboard of my bed.

"You don't even understand how awful he is." He says.

"You beat me for over a year." I say suddenly. "Blood and shit. Why the fuck do you care?"

"With me you weren't in any real danger. I wouldn't do anything to you like he would."

"You beat me. I could have died."

"You know I wouldn't have killed you, Cry."

"Sorry, but I didn't." I say tartly and I hear his deep breath in. It's silent for a few seconds before I speak again. "It's not like you care."

"You're my friend. I hate thinking about you with him. Spoon is evil."

I shake my head and speak. "No. He's my boyfriend…I mean, I…" I had tried to say that I loved him. I couldn't bring myself to lie to Felix, though. I would lie to anyone but him.

"Just run away." He says. "Sure, he's determined, but as long as you're near me or your family he won't pull any shit."

"You and I both know it's not that easy." I whisper.

"Please, just think about-" My phone viberates against my face. I look at it for a second before holding it up again. "Felix, I have to go."

"Okay. Stay safe." He says.

"Don't tell me what to do." I say. "Bye."

"Night." And he hangs up.

I lift my phone and click the button. "Hey, baby." A voice says. "You know what to do." Spoon is obsessed with my voice.

"How far along are you?" I ask. "My throat hurts and I need sleep, so make this fast."

"Just talk." He says.

I take a deep breath. "Hey, babe…oh, God, you look great. God, you're huge. I want to have you fuck my so fucking hard…Oh, yes…Yes, just like that. I just want to touch me and do that, just that…Oh, fuck, yes. Just like that. Faster, baby. Oh, yes…" My voice is raspy and rough and sexy. I really wish my mom doesn't hear.

"What are you wearing?" He asks.

"Nothing. It's easier to fingerfuck yourself when you're naked, you know." I say. You can hear the smirk in my voice. "I'm so fucking close…" In reality, I'm in my pajamas under my covers. "Just imagine…my fingers, in and out…" I make a panting noise for extra measure.

"Yes…Yes…Oh, fuck-" And the line goes to static as he tosses it on the bed. After about a minute, the phone's picked back up. "Thanks!" And a dead line.

I toss the phone on my pillow and stare at it for a second before grabbing it again. I text Felix a quick 'I'm so sorry' and toss the phone again. I bury my face into my pillow and feel it getting wet with my tears. I wake up with puffy cheeks and red eyes, clean myself up and walk my way across town to Spoon's. I don't want to drive. When I get to his house, he cuddles me for a few seconds before forcing me to kiss him. I burst into tears again and he holds me against his chest like a good little boyfriend.

"Spoon?" I ask while lying in his bed. It's the first time I'm staying overnight.

"Yes?" He isn't facing me.

"Do you love me?" I ask.

He turned around and shoots me a look from under his hood. "What do you think?" He kisses me on the cheek and turns back around.

"If I told you what I think, you would kill me." I whisper a little bit later. He's already asleep and snoring, though.

Thank God.

I want to sneak out. I want to run. I want to find Felix.

But I can't leave.

Then, my phone goes off. Spoon stirs and I sit up in a panic. Spoon's giant white cotton tee shirt hangs off of my tiny naked frame as I dart out of bed and grab my phone. I sprint down the stairs and skid at the bottom. I go to the living room and answer it. "Felix! Why did you call?" I hiss.

"It's our normal calling time."

"I'm at Spoon's house, he'll kill me!" I whisper franticly.

"Cry?" Spoon calls from upstairs.

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" I say. "I have to go!"

"What's going on?" Felix sounds worried. Really worried. "Cry, what the fuck is going on?"

"Shut up!"

"No, tell me, now!"

"I have to go! Don't call me at night ever again!" I hold out my hand to hang up but my wrist is grabbed. How he got downstairs so fast…fuck. He grabs my phone and drops it on the ground. "Cry? Why are you up?" He looks dangerous and frightening. I'm terrified.

"I…I…I got a-"

"You were calling Felix." His grip is getting tighter.

"Spoon, please-"

"You're mine, Cry. You can't call Felix anymore." He whispers dangerously. He suddenly shoves me against the wall. "You're mine, you whore. You can't have both."

I try again. "Spoon-"

"Apologize." He demands.

"I'm sorry." I whimper.

"Louder."

"I'm sorry." My heart is pounding in my ears.

"Louder!" He yells in my face.

"I'm fucking sorry!" I scream and bring both my hands to my face. I'm shaking my head. "Sorry…sorry…" I mutter quietly and slide to my knees.

He grabs my arm and pulls me up to stand. His grip is suffocating as he drags me up the stairs. He doesn't even look at me in the face, he's just glaring at every inch of me under his hair and hood. "We're going back to bed, you slut."

I don't realize I'm crying until my back hits the sheets.

**A/N: Not much I can say after writing that. Love you all, really hope you enjoy! Thanks for everything! ^^ *kisses***


	18. Chapter 18: Broken Vigor

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Eighteen: Broken Vigor**

Spoon pulls me against his chest and holds me there, one hand on my collarbones and the other on my waist. "I'm sorry if I scared you, baby." He says gently and kisses my cheek. "I shouldn't have acted like that." He holds me close and tries to calm my shivering. I'm scared. Less than a minute ago, he was screaming at me. Now he was being so sweet, so gentle, like I was made of glass and he was scared of breaking me.

He runs his fingers over my skin. "You're so soft, baby…" He whispers. "So pretty…" I don't move, even though I want to bury my face in his sweatshirt and curl up. He kisses my cheek again and trails a hand down to grasp my palm. He brings my hands up to press against my chest, being held by his. He can feel I'm still trembling.

He can feel my fear.

I honestly feel good when Spoon is being so kind to me. I feel…warm and fuzzy on the inside. It makes me really happy. Well, happier. Not smiling worthy yet. I don't want to speak or move yet. I want to disappear into the bed and never come out.

Finally, his breathing is heavy on my neck and I can feel my long hair being blown by his thin, cool breath. I turn around slowly, shifting around his arms, and bury my face into his chest while wrapping my legs around his waist. I take a deep breath of his shitty cologne and find myself lulled by it.

I wake up the neck morning to an empty bed, empty room and empty house. Spoon left a text on my newly and barely cracked phone saying he'd be back late and to go ahead and head home for the day. I was shocked. A whole day without sex for him was a huge deal.

I get dressed, wash my face with soap and check my phone for other messages. Five new texts from Felix, all saying 'don't touch him' and 'it was my fault'. He had called, too, and left a voicemail. I'm too nervous to listen to it. I grab my stuff and leave the house, walking down the sidewalk in the dim grey sun.

I really kinda hoped it would be sunny today. I deserve it.

"Hey!" A voice cuts into my thoughts like a knife after a few minutes. I turn around and see Red and Minx running up behind me. "We haven't seen you in a few weeks." Red says, panting a little when they finally catch up. I love her hair. It's bright red, comical red, like clown red. "Where you been?"

"With Spoon." I say calmly.

"Really? Minx cocks her head. She's British and has a cutesy voice. I nod. "Why? Favors? You said you wouldn't work during the summer."

"He's my boyfriend." I say. I get punched in the arm by Red as soon as the syllables exit my tongue and flinch back. "What was that for?"

"He's a prick." She says simply. "And you're too good for him."

"He's a douche, I'm a prostitute." I say. "It works."

"Oh, shut up." Minx sneers. "You know he's bad news."

I look at the ground. "I'm free for the day. Let's go to Russ' and hang out." I hope they get the message to drop the subject.

Red and Minx share a look and then Red nods. "Okay. We're headed that way anyway." They walk and talk and I stay silent. I'm endlessly excited to go see the Crew, but I don't want to show any emotions or else I might tell them about what happened last night. They would do the same things I did when they learned about Felix: Freak out. A lot.

Russ' house is really big and has a huge living room with a bunch of couches, chairs, pillows, a bean bag and a huge TV. It's cold in the house usually and a perfect excuse to curl under the blankets. Russ' parents are divorced and his mother works from noon to nine on weekdays and nine to eleven on Saturday. We're free to do whatever we please all day, basically.

When we walk in, Russ hugs me and ruffles my hair. Raven smiles at me, Snake nods proudly and even Scott gives me a nod of acknowledgement. They can all tell I'm off kilter. They can see all I want to do is be with them. Russ pulls me to the couch. "You gotta try this game. Trust me!"

"What is it?" I ask warily.

"Just play it." Russ said.

"Anyone get naked in it?" I look up at him.

He laughs and nudges me. "Someone a little horny?"

"No, Spoon won't let me play it." I say. The room goes quiet except for the loading screen of the game.

"So…You guys are really together? Red texted us…we didn't think it was real." Raven says. She's always so level-headed. She's sitting on a recliner with Scott. "We thought it was a cruel joke."

I nod smally and turn away from her gaze and fall right into Snake's. Snake and Minx are sitting on the other couch. "That's a dumbass idea." He says.

"Snake." Raven warns.

"No, I'm going to say it." He says. "You're going to end up really hurt. It's not going to end well and your situation might be even worse than it was."

Minx shoots a look at him. "Don't make him feel bad. You're happy, right, Cry?"

I hesitate, then nod.

"See? It doesn't matter." She says.

Red, sitting beside me, nods. "We can face the problem when we get to it."

"We have gotten to it." Scott finally speaks up. "I'm with Snake on this one, actually. We should at least talk to Spoon-"

"No!" I shout it before I realize I do. "Don't. It'll end badly." I snatch the controller from Russ. "What game is it?" I repeat.

"It's just an upgraded Mass Effect." Russ says slowly.

"No nudity?"

"…None until the fourth part."

"Then that's how far I'll play."

We play for hours, switching games and being stupid and stuffing our mouths with food. Finally, Russ breaks out the tequila and they all get drunk. I leave and got to Spoon's. When I arrive at his house, he's sitting on a couch and welcomes me with open arms and a hard cock. I suck him off, shower and change into nothing but Spoon's shirt. I lay on the bed and listen to him mess around on the guitar until I fall asleep.

I felt a little happy.

**A/N: Not too eventful, but I'm building relationships again. I really hope you all enjoy though and please don't hate me for putting the PewdieCry on the down-low for eighteen chapters! D: The relationship will come soon, I just have to build stuff. Like blocks. Those colorful foam blocks from preschool, only with more emotions.**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	19. Chapter 19: Never Have I Ever

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Nineteen: Never Have I Ever**

_**Warning: This Chapter Contains Hardcore Smut**_

_**Major Trigger Warning; Abuse Ahead**_

_**Viewers Discretion is Advised**_

I have never been raped before.

I thought I was going to be when the motorcycle pulled up to me in the sunset while I was walking to go eat a solo dinner before Spoon returned home. I panic and freeze for a second before the visor of the helmet was flicks up and pale blue eyes shines at me. "Need a ride?" He calls over the engine.

I have never been on a motorcycle.

I stare at Felix. "You know if he sees-"

"He won't." He says. "He won't recognize you with the helmet. We won't be able to see your face."

I look down. "I'm wearing his clothes. His shirt." I went total teenage dream relationship and decided to wear Spoon's shirt today.

"We can stop by the corner store for a jacket. Come on." Felix slides forward on the bike. "Hurry." He holds out an extra helmet that was fastened to the back. I stare at it and then grab it.

I'll regret this.

"Fine." I grab the helmet, put it on then swing my leg around the motorcycle. "Don't kill me." I wrap my arms around his waist as he revs the engine and takes off down the road. I grip him harder than necessary, half because I'm terrified and half because I'm cold in the wind and his leather jacket is warn against my skin. The sun is pink and the clouds are a dark purple as we ride through the empty roads downtown.

I have never been given a gift from Felix.

He pulls over into a small alleyway parking lot and goes inside the corner store. "I'll be back in a sec!" He calls over his shoulder and I wait by leaning against the brick wall. I stare at my feet and at the golden light dying against the opposite wall.

When Felix walks back out of the store, he holds up and waves a plastic bag. He tosses it at me. "Here. A sweatshirt."

I pull open the bag and pull out a hot pink sweatshirt. It's actually my favorite shade of pink. Yes I like pink. We went over this with the crop top. Girls and boys clothes being separate is sexist. I will wear a dress if I please! I will wear panties and thigh highs if I want to! Girls probably shouldn't wear jockstraps though!

"Pink?" I ask.

"You've wore girls clothes before."

"No, don't worry…I really like it. I was just wondering…well…thanks." I say and pull it on while crumbling and tossing the bag into my pocket. I look at it, smile a little, then put back on the helmet. I get back on the bike and we speed down the road to a diner in between a music shop and an empty alley. We park his bike, walk into the diner and sit down.

I have never been on a date.

Felix looks at me as I stare at the menu intensely. "You look like you're deciding the fate of the world."

"Everything's a little too over my budget." I mutter. "Can I just eat a small thing of fries, no drink, and have it be under ten?"

"Here, I'll pay." He says.

"No."

"It's no big deal." Felix shrugs. "I bet you he doesn't feed you anyway." I scowl at him. He's right, of course, but I'm not giving him the satisfaction. "So, what'll you get? You can get anything."

I end up getting a huge meal with hamburgers, a milkshake and lots of fries. I finish the burger in a few minutes then turn to the chocolate milkshake and fries. After dipping a long fry into the ice cream I stick it into my mouth and smile a little. "I haven't had one of these in a while."

Felix, eating his second burger, stares at me. "Fries in a milkshake?"

I nod. "It's great." I push my plate and drink towards him. "Here. Try it." He looks at me hesitantly before grabbing a fry and dipping it my drink, staring at it, then eating it. He chewed slowly, then perked up. "Huh…pretty damn good, actually. Keep it coming." We end up ordering a lot of fries and two milkshakes and laughing our asses off over nothing. It was really, genuinely fun.

Until I realize it's past eight.

"Shit!" I hiss and stand up. "I'm over forty minutes late for Spoon!" I literally feel like my ass just got kicked. I'm scared. I've never been late for him before.

"I'll drive you back." Felix dumps a fifty dollar bill on the table and says they can just keep the change before walking me to the motorcycle. "I'll get caught if you drive me." I say.

"So? At least you won't be even later." He's already got on the helmet and is waiting for me to get on.

"Just…drop me off at the stop sign a few houses down, okay?" I get on and Felix rushes me to the stop sign. I get off, wave as he speeds down the opposite road. I sprint, fast, to Spoon's house and in my head am just chanting 'please be in a good mood, good mood, good mood please…'

That's when I enter the house.

Never have I ever been really, truly terrified.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

Okay, not a good mood. "I was out at dinner-"

"Don't think I didn't fucking see you on the motorcycle!" He yells again and grabs my arm. I try to pull away but he slaps me, hard. I'm shocked. "Don't think I didn't see you with him!"

"Please, you have to understand, I was scared to be late-" I was begging and pleading and shaking my head.

"You need to understand." Spoon hissed close to my face. "That you belong to me and you can't just run around and sleep around with some Swedish bastard!"

"Stop it, please-" He's pushing down my torso to knee me in the stomach twice, sending my crumpling to the ground. I gasp, winded, and then get shoved against the door by his boot. He grabs my hair and hits my head against the door. I'm dazed, confused, and don't hear the zipper until it's too late.

Never have I ever been raped.

His cock is shoved down my throat and I gag, hard, retching and feeling sick to my stomach. I shake my head and burst into tears, but he grips my hair and just stares to throatfuck me. I can't breathe and I start screaming. All he does is moan, the vibrations in my throat making him harder and just edging on his addiction. I'm sobbing violently and gagging, begging without talking. This can't be happening…it can't be.

Spoon finally take out his cock and I gasp for air. "Please…no more…" But he kicks my stomach and flips me over. "Please, no!" I claw at the ground and try to crawl away but he grabs my hips and pulls me closer. He yanks down my jeans and boxers, spitting on his hand and stroking himself while doing so. "I want this to hurt."

"Please-"

"You need to remember who you belong to." He spanks me, hard, and makes me squeak.

"No! Stop!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I can feel him at my entrance. He's hard, hot, and barely wet. He thrusts in without warning and manages to pull screams and screetches from my throat. As he thrusts back and forth, I'm going limp and looking away and begging for it to be over. I can feel my skin ripping, my lip bleeding and my fingernails getting caught on the wooden floor boards and being ripped to the quick. He's just panting, telling me I'm tight, fucking enjoying it.

I feel him finish, but he doesn't pull out. He grabs my hair and yanks me back. All the pain is blurred into one giant throb at this point. "Who's are you?" He whispers.

"I…" I trail off. I'm close to passing out.

"I asked you a question." He demands again.

"I'm…I'm yours." I manage out and he pulls out. I drop to the floor and cry into the arms of the pink sweatshirt, fading in and out of a blurry tango with pain.

He sits me up against the wall and I can see blood and cum spots littering the floor along with my tears. Spoon pushes my phone against my face and I hear a ringing. "Last step then you can sleep, baby." He whispers as the phone gets answered.

"Cry! Hey!" Felix is smiling. I can hear it in his voice. I perk up instantly.

"Tell him you hate him." Spoon whispers in my other ear. I break down in tears again.

"Please, Spoon-"

"Tell him."

"Cry? Are you okay?" He's worried now.

"I…I-I hate yo-you." I mutter and stammer out the words like venom.

"…What?"

"Tell him never to call you again."

I look at Spoon then turn back to the phone. "Please…F-felix, never ca-all me again." I sob afterwards unconvincingly.

"Now tell him about how happy you are with me."

"I…I'm happy…" I trail off and Felix takes the chance to interrupt me. "Are you okay? Are you crying? Cry?"

Never have I ever risked my own life.

I make a big mistake. "Felix! Help, please! Felix-" I'm slapped and the phone is knocked away. "I told you you had to do one thing!" Spoon says, punching my cheek. "You aren't sleeping yet!" He yells and pulls me into a standing position. It hurts to move, I see stars. He pulls my collar and drags me to the bathroom, where he fills the tub up with freezing water, yelling at me while doing so. I'm crying and shaking and begging him not to. That when he grabs my head and pulls me under the water to my shoulders, holding me under as a struggle and kick. I'm choking, drowning, he's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

He pulls me up and allows me to gasp before shoving me back under. I'm dying. I can't breathe. I can't do this anymore.

He pulls me up and under a third time.

Fourth. Spots.

Fifth. I'm seconds from passing out.

Finally he lets me go and I fall to the ground, sobbing and shaking and breathing heavily. I'm muttering something, I don't know what, and fading in and out of visible consciousness. Spoon drains the tub then pulls me up and to his chest. "It's okay, baby…I'm so sorry…I love you so much…it's for your own good…"

It's for my own good.

Never have I ever considered suicide.

**A/N: *drops unexpected Plot Bomb in the middle of the story***

**Everything that he says never happened before, happens now, and I feel like a bad person for writing this. It had to be done.**

**Thanks for the 100 reviews! :D Seriously, this means a lot!**

**Love you all. **


	20. Chapter 20: Sweet, Sweet Death

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty: Sweet, Sweet Death**

Seven weeks into the summer before my junior year. Red had lost her virginity, Snake got a girlfriend, Minx got a boyfriend. Spoon couldn't have sex with me for three weeks because of the tissue damage. My mother had seen me walking weird and sent me to the doctor. He knows what happened, but I told him not to tell a soul. He hasn't, so far. Thank God. My mother would break down. I havne't had any sex with Spoon, actually. It's only jerking him off. I can't handle the sexual contact without having a panic attack.

I never really get out or got the ability to go to the pool or the beach, even with only about five weeks left of my vacation. Spoon wouldn't allow it. I was lucky if he let me go home.

Felix hasn't called since. Sometimes, when I'm out with Spoon, I see his motorcycle parked somewhere. It's very distinct and has lime green marks on the sides. I think it looks cool, but Spoon calls it white trash.

Today, at a restaurant, I was sitting with Spoon and the waiter brought over a chocolate milkshake and fries. "The guy over there sent it over- Hey, where'd he go?"

I could hear the motorcycle from the open window.

Spoon wasn't happy.

When I got home, I got questioned and yelled at. No physical violence, though. None at all.

Yet. He's been careful since _that night._

I haven't been able to see the Crew much either. They're really worried. We only communicate through text, then Spoon goes through my phone afterwards. I make sure to stay on a positive note every conversation.

Spoon doesn't like to sleep without touching me. He holds me close and touches me everywhere while falling asleep. It's a little sweet, the way he presents it, saying how he loves me and even needs me in his dreams. It's so close to the relationship I want that I dive in, like a cold pool on a hot day. I lay down in the bed and Spoon's arms snake around me. He starts whispering stuff in my ears and I get lost in the idea, the fantasy built around him, not the truth. I start retaliating, saying how I want him to be mine forever.

Then, he falls asleep and his breath on my chest makes me remember everything wrong with the world and the memories come crashing back and I start crying and panting and pulling away and I can't do this anymore. I end up getting out and running into the bathroom to lock myself up and cry in the dry bathtub, which only brings back more flashes.

This is something I won't escape for a while. I wipe my eyes and keep trying to compose myself, but fall asleep on the bathroom floor. Spoon carries me back and lays me on the bed, massaging my back and lulling me into calmness.

I've started wearing eyeliner, by the way. It's pretty on me. Spoon says I look hot. Raven, who loves reading and quoting romantic novels, says I still look like Cry but with the volume way up. That's a sweet way of putting it.

I found out you could kill yourself from locking yourself in a garage with a running motor to choke you on the exhaust fumes. I would love to do that in Spoon's garage and maybe get him to find me a few hours later and get blamed for murder. We would both get put in our spot.

It's for our own good.

Spoon finally let me out of the house on my own when he went out to drink with his friends. I end up in the park somehow, sitting at sunset, quiet and cold. It's empty and everything's pink, purple and greyish blue.

"Hey." My thoughts are interrupted by a voice that makes my blood run cold and makes me stand up quickly. "No, wait." He grabs my wrist and turns me around. "Please."

"Fuck off." I say loudly.

"You think I've forgotten about that night? Why the fuck did he make you call me? What happened?" Felix demands. "Tell me, please."

"Let go. If we're caught-"

"Tell me."

"You didn't care when you beat me up every day for over a year!" I yell. I try to pull away but he yanks me back.

"It was different!" He cries.

"How?"

"I didn't care this much about you then! I had Marzia! I was in a relationship! I had commitments and jobs." He's looking...different.

"And?" I narrow my eyes.

"You didn't know I was bi. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to believe I was."

"And?" I glare at him. "None of those are good answers." We keep a painful eye contact in deafening silence, I get jerked forward and pull into something dangerous.

You know that moment when everything stops? Nothing feels, nothing exists, nothing is but that one thing that holds you on this earth and keeps you from dying. That one thing…today, that one thing was a kiss, if you could call it that. It was a sloppy, miss-judged, clumsy kiss that makes your heart flutter but makes my experience cringe. He had messed up, but it's not like I went into it willingly. I struggled, but found myself slipping into it more and more and more…

He broke the kiss. "Enough of a reason?" He urned around and walked away.

I reach up and touch my tingling lips. I move my arm to make sure I'm still alive. I look at his dark silhouette, look at the surrounding area, then rush to get back to Spoon's house. He doesn't know, or at least doesn't bring it up. Spoon cuddles me, kisses and caresses my chest in bed, then falls asleep while nuzzling his face into my neck.

I just got kissed by Felix Kjellburg.

And that's all that matters.

Not the fact Spoon's touching me, not the fact he's tainted my soul with his hands and violence.

No.

He kissed me.

**A/N: Hey guys.**

**IT HAPPENED.**

**Love you all, so glad some PewdieCry finally happened. *kisses***

**EDIT: Just edited the ending from my mobile. Sorry X3 it might have glitches for you all. **


	21. Chapter 21: Rosie Salvation

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty One: Rosie Salvation**

Let me explain to you about Felix's lips.

They aren't like normal people's. People's lips don't make my lips feel numb and tingly days after a kiss. Felix's lips do. People's lips are boring and plain, flat pink. Felix's lips are rough yet gentle, lightly chapped, very soft and know exactly how to move against mine, even in struggle. They are perfectly shaped, perfectly made, like God had saved his best pair just for him.

God must have saved my final miracle to feel them against mine.

I felt like I didn't deserve it. Not only because I'm in a relationship, but because I'm…inferior. He was perfect in that kiss, and I feel like I sucked. It was sloppy and messy yet he managed to make it so I couldn't feel another thing. He made it the most perfect thing I've ever felt…ever.

I feel like I failed him.

Every time Spoon kisses me, it's not the same. None of it's the same. Not even Spoon's sex could compare to a kiss from Felix Kjellburg. The kiss was fucking perfect in every fucking way, and Spoon's sex seems like nothing. Spoon seems like nothing.

He hasn't texted me, Spoon doesn't know. No one knows but him and me and what happened. I can't tell anyone, it's not safe. I'll die. Felix knows that, and he doesn't bring it up. The only notice I've gotten from him is a transferred message, one he told Minx to tell me. "He said he's sorry." She had said. "But he said he doesn't regret it. He says to call him whatever chance you get. He's says you're welcome to him whenever."

I wake up slowly, the room cold and filled with sounds of zippers. I sit up slowly. "Spoon?"

He looks up and smiles softly. He's packing a duffle bag. "Hey, baby. I have to go to LA for a few days to work out the official divorce papers. You're going to stay here in Silverfalls, okay? I trust you, okay?"

"Since when do you trust me?" I frown a little, still groggy.

He leans forward and whispers in my ear. "Since my husband came to get me along with a lawyer for the divorce. You're going to behave and watch yourself, okay? Or you're dead." He leans back and smiled. "Come downstairs and say hello to my old hubby-kins!"

The ex-husband is tall, tan, attractive and very emotional-looking. He's sitting at the table and I wave from the stairs. He waves back quietly and I scurry upstairs at Spoon's command. A few minutes later and an over-exaggerated acting scene involving lots of god-bye kisses, he's gone. I get a text a moment later telling me to 'watch my back' and 'don't worry, I love you.'

I get dressed, shower and pack up my stuff to leave. I perch myself on the bed for an hour, till I'm sure that Spoon's on the plane, then I walk downstairs. This is the time I should go home, I should be ready to sleep and heal for hours. But, instead, I sit down on the couch and pull up my phone. I get prepared to delete my calls. I take a deep breath.

Only one thing is on my mind.

"Felix?" I whisper hoarsely into the phone.

"Cry?" His voice is a little rough, but hopeful. "How are you?"

"Spoon's out of town." I say quickly. "Can I-"

"Of course. The door's unlocked." He says gently. "How long do we-"

"We have anything from three days to a week." I bite my finger. "We can't do-"

"I know. But we can-"

"Talk. And maybe even-"

"Go to a movie." We're finishing each other's sentences now. Hesitant, scared, hopeful. "Oh, God, Felix…we could get in so much trouble."

"It's worth it." He says. "And if he finds out-"

"No. You aren't going to destroy him. I'm the one cheating, after all." I say.

"He had a husband." Felix says.

We don't say anything for a few seconds, then I whisper quietly. "I miss you. Do you miss me?"

"I won't once you're here."

"But did you?"

I can hear him nodding. "Yes…every day since."

I can't wait to get to his house, so I get in my pink sweatshirt and run down the street and across town. My heartbeat's in my throat, I'm getting cramps and my head is swirling. I need oxygen and my legs hurt. I've never run this far before. All I can think though is that _he_ is at the finish line. I keep running and slowing then speeding again, knowing and holding onto the fact that Felix Kjellberg wants me.

I run up his walkway to his house and knock on the door violently. "Felix!" I cry. It only takes a few seconds until Felix opens the door and I jump at him. I bury my face into his chest. "Oh, God, Felix…"

"You're sweating…did you run all the way here?" He whispered into my long brown hair.

"I couldn't wait for the bus." I shake my head. "I needed to see you…while we have the chance." My voice is cracking and I sound…almost to tears. "Felix…"

"I'm not going to be able to handle it…seeing him around you, not after this week." He's pulling me in and closing the door. "I won't be able to stay calm."

"Then go boxing." I whisper.

"Speaking of that, I have to go at eleven tomorrow morning."

"Don't you ever fucking sleep in?" I look up at him. I only come up to his nose, perfect height to kiss his stubble-covered chin.

"No." He says. "Anyway, I want you to come watch me box."

I raise my eyebrow. "That can mean two things." Felix chuckles a little and pulls me to the couch. He falls down and I climb next to him, leaning my elbows on his chest and tapping his nose. "I'd be honored to see you beat the shit out of someone that isn't me."

"I'm still sorry for that. But only a little." Felix says.

"A little?!"

"Because it never let you forget me, did it?" He closes his eyes slowly and leans back on the arm rest.

"I could have never forgotten you." I whisper and lean down to nuzzle my head under his chin. "I'll never forget you, ever."

"You'll remember me forever?"

I nod. "Forever."

"Forever is a strong word."

"Strong is exactly what we need."

**A/N: Sorry about the lack of dailies, kids. I had some problems and some things to fix. Don't worry, though, I put in PewdieCry to make it better. :D**

**Spoon's out of town, stuff will go down.**

**Oh! Thought I'd mention my reaction when I saw Cry and Pewds had read a fanfic: …NO. NONONONO IS IT IS IT IS IT oh thank Jesus it's not mine…WHY WASN'T IT MINE?!**

**I was a bipolar mess when I watched that video xD**

**Thank you all for the reviews and reads! We hit 8,000 the other day and I was like WOAH. Thank you all so much! *kisses* Love you all!**


	22. Chapter 22: Fluffy Lovebirds

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Two: Fluffy Lovebirds**

The day was mainly spent not leaving each other. One person left the room only to have the other trailing him like a puppy. I was guilty of this mainly, but he also participated. A lot.

We never once made sexual advances at each other, though. We didn't kiss. We didn't touch. Well, I lay down next to him on the couch and played with his hair and listened to his heartbeat, which sounds like a rabbits. It's quick and full of life. Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember hearing Spoon's heartbeat. Our relationship isn't dirty, although nothing done with Felix could be shameful or dirty when it's us.

That night, I called my mother and told her I loved her for the first time in a while. She sounded happy when I hung up. I even got to talk to Nathan. He sweetly told me he loves me and misses me. I miss them. When I get off the phone, Felix hands me boxers and a large tee shirt for me to sleep in. We change in different rooms, mainly because I don't want him to see the major bruises, then go to the living room. He leans on the armrest of the couch and I lean with him, nuzzling into his side as the movie goes on.

I sleep in his bed that night, facing him. My face is buried in his chest and his hand rests lightly on my lower back. It isn't lustful or grabby, more sweet and wanting to just be close. I'm so happy I could die right now.

If Spoon finds out, death won't be a problem.

I wake up to a kiss on the cheek. "Wake up. We have to get to the gym." Felix helps me sit up and passes me my backpack. "Here…I hope you don't mind I got up early to wash some of the…more cum-covered ones."

I smile up at him. "Thank you." He smiles at me with half-lidded eyes and traces a finger around my wrist. He leaves the room so I can change, then I hide in the bathroom for a little while and try to make myself look halfway decent. I comb my hair with my fingers, brush my teeth and wash my face with hand soap. I'm nervous and I don't know how.

I walk downstairs to Felix in dark grey sweatpants and a lighter sweatshirt. He has a duffle bag on one shoulder and the keys to his convertible in the other hand. "Ready to go?"

"Sweatshirt." I say quickly. I grab my pink sweatshirt and pull it over my head while walking out the door. When I reach the car, I turn around to Felix's lips near my ear. "Forever?"

I nod and whisper back. "Forever."

He smiles then we both get in the car, driving in the warm Florida air. It's actually sunny today, like even the world can't contain my excitement or joy of being with Felix. I love it. I look over at him, his blonde hair glinting and swirling in the wind, and just feel this burning in my stomach. It's perfect.

When we reach the gym, Felix sets me at a barstool next to a small table and tells me to wait while he changes. When he goes to the locker room, I immediately get approached by a girl with long dark hair in a sports bra. "You Felix's boyfriend or something?"

I blush lightly. "No. Well, yes. Well…"

"It's complicated like a Facebook status." The girl said. I nod. "Well look, Complicated. He nevers bring people in to watch him. Ever. He's too self-conscious about it. So I don't know what you are, a fuck body or a friend, all I know is he must really fucking care about you. Oh, shit. I shouldn't cuss around strangers." She shrugged. "Opps."

"It's fine." I say. "I'm Cry."

Her face lights up. "Oh…You're _Cry. _That's why he invited you."

"What's that supposed to-"

"Hey." Felix walks out of the room, still in sweatpants but shirtless and with a mouth guard hanging from a chain around his neck.

"Hey, Kjellberg." The girl said. "Ready to go hard?"

"We go hard in the fourth quarter." He smirks. "Cry, this is Risky, my trainer." She smiled a little. "I was just talking to Cry." He looks down at her and she holds up her hands in defense. "Calm your tits, it was just an introduction. Gear up, I want to put you up against breathing male opponent today." She tosses him a pad and a helmet then climbs up into the raised boxing ring in the middle of the gym. "You can win it for Complicated."

"Who?"

"Win it for Cry." Risky rolls her eyes and giggles. "Yo, Mario! Get your ass up here, Felix's ready!"

"I haven't even warmed up yet." Felix sayx.

"Then stretch fast, we haven't got all day."

I am extremely fascinated by the world of mixed martial arts now. Felix is stretching and there's a lot of yelling between trainers and boxers while all the trainers are teamed up and all the boxers are best friends yet also ready to kill each other. I never realized how nerve-wracking a boxing match was, either.

They shake hands then go to opposite sides of the ring. I find myself standing up suddenly when, after only a few minutes, the other Mario guy has aimed a sharp left hook at Felix's head. He dodges, light on his feet, and swerves around to get him barely in the back. I cover my mouth a little when Mario turns to nail him right in the arm. Felix grits his teeth and backs up a bit. Risky turns around and offers her hand. "Come on, hang off the ring with me." I walk forward and she yanks me up. "Hold onto the post or you'll fall."

Watching the fight this close is even worse.

Felix is nailed in the head then on his other shoulder, grunting each time, then retaliating with a powerful hit right to Mario's cheek. He dodged and hit Mario's stomach. Each contact is another smack, another thud. I end up closing my eyes and opening them every once and a while to make sure my poor baby isn't dead.

"Hey, you can look now. Your boyfriend won." I open my eyes and she lifts up the band around the ring to allow me to slip in and hug Felix tightly.

"You did it!" I grin. "And you aren't dead!" I back up. "And you're sweaty."

"He's not done though. We're going to polish all of your punches. You're losing your form." Risky says. "Get water then we go hard, okay? The red punching bag by the window." She climbs down the ring and walks off to discuss Mario's flaws with him.

"She's tough." I say.

"She's a trainer." He shrugs. "Sit tight for another thity or so."

I do, and we drive back to his house where he gets in the shower faster than I can say 'How are you still sweating?'. When he gets out, he puts on more sweatpants but no shirt and hair dripping wet. He lies on the couch and I lay next to him. The television's on, but we just stare into each other's eyes.

"I didn't know you boxing could be so…scary. You could have gotten hurt." I breathe in his shampoo scent, blueberries, and lift a hand to hold against his chest.

"I won't get hurt." Felix whispers. "I swear."

"Forever." I say.

"Forever." He replies.

"You know…" I swallow hard. "Boxing turned me on more than I expected." I regret saying it, though, because I don't know how I'll react if he touches me. I've reacted negatively to sexual stimuli ever since Spoon's attack, but I feel like Felix could just eat all of me and I would let him.

He looks at my face and into my eyes. "You don't have to do this…"

"But-"

"I can tell you aren't sure." Felix says. "But…" He leaned forward. "Can I kiss you again?"

I can't bring myself to say anything but yes. He leans in and kisses me gently, chastely. His lips are closed and work against mine like he's scared of breaking me. I don't take my hands off his chest as he parts his lips and I part mine in turn. I can taste him now. He tastes sweet.

Remember how I said his lips are perfect?

They are more than perfect. They are saving me. I climb on top of him and he begins to trace his tongue on my lips. I shiver and bring my hands to his hair. Before it can go any farther, he breaks it and presses my head to his chest. "No more. You aren't ready."

"I know…but I want to…"

"What you want isn't what you need." He whispers. "God, though…you're a great kisser."

I look up at him. "You're better."

"No, you are."

"No, you." I grin.

"Oh, please, my talents are nowhere near yours." He sits up a little.

"My lips are nothing compared to yours." I sit up, sitting on his legs.

"'My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.'" Felix says.

"What are you quoting?"

"_Romeo and Juliet_." He says. "I love poetry."

"Really?"

He nods. "'Did my heart love till now, for swear its sight. For I never saw true beauty until this night…'" He leans to press his forehead against mine. He grabs both my hands and entertwines his fingers with mine. "Thank you for being mine this week."

"Thank you for accepting me."

"I'll accept you forever."

"Forever." I whisper back and close my eyes.

And we kiss again.

**A/N: I got to write fluff! Yes! A well needed break from all the Spoon-filled angst. And I usually am bad at or hate to write fluff because I find it unrealistic and easy, but this was just perfect for this chapter. I want to put in some paradise before…well, I shouldn't say. ;)**

**And did I just self-insert myself as the boxing trainer? YEP. Because why not.**

**Thank you for all the reviews! Seriously, it means a lot! You all who review EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER are MUCH appreciated! Seriously. You all are amazing! We hit 9,200 views, too! Thank you so much! I love you all! *kisses*And if you ever want to talk, PM me! I'd be happy to befriend every single one of you!**


	23. Chapter 23: Bipolar Infatuation

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Three: Bipolar Infatuation**

Today is amazing.

All me and Felix have done all day is sit on the couch kissing, pause for air, pause for food and drink, go back to kissing. It's amazing. It's addictive. I'm licking the inside of his mouth like a dog, drunk off of his taste. He's working against me perfectly, his tongue teasing my lips and my own tongue. I move my hands up and down his body; shoulders, chest, waist, hair, thighs. I keep trying to move his hands lower then my waist, but he won't budge. That's the only problem.

I break the kiss and look up at him. "Sleep with me."

"No."

"Why?"

"You aren't ready."

"Please.

"No."

"Fine." And we keep kissing.

That's all we really mention about it. It's not a big deal, to him at least, and it's not like I don't try to tempt him. I drop things a lot to bend over and pick them up while wiggling my butt, I spread my legs a lot and bite my lip more than needed. He seems completely unfazed though and just continues with life, even when I walk downstairs in nothing but his boxers. He doesn't even look down, the chaste motherfucker.

It's almost frustrating how badly I actually want to fuck him. I want him to make me his, like somehow that'll keep Spoon away. Maybe it will. Maybe, it's like the Princess and the Frog, only with sex and Felix instead of a toad and a kiss.

I finally lie on the couch and spread my legs. "Now. Touch me through the jeans. I can prove I'm ready!" I lift up my shirt to show my stomach and wait with my heartbeat in my ears.

Felix looks down at me. "What?"

"I can prove I'm ready. Touch me." I point between my legs. I even undue my jeans and lead his eyes to the waistband of my boxers. "Or is it because I'm not Marzia?"

I shouldn't have said that. Sometimes, though, I'm just a jackass. You've seen that in action before.

He suddenly jerks out a hand and presses between my legs. The contact makes me jerk and have a sudden flash of Spoon throatfucking me. Pain. Choking. Cum in my eyes and blood out my ass.

Shit. He was right. Maybe I need therapy.

I start panting and sweating a little. "Stop!" I squeak before his hand makes it to my waistband. He leans back and crosses his arms, leaving me to compose myself and calm my shaking. "Bam. See? You're still damaged and you won't tell me why. What has Spoon done to you?" His voice is raised slightly.

"I…You'll kill him, Felix." I say.

"Tell me."

"Promise me this won't change a thing." I hold out a pinkie finger.

He raises an eyebrow. "A pinkie promise? What are we, five?"

"No...Forever promise me that you won't do anything." I say. "Don't do anything because of what I'm about to tell you."

His green-blue eyes narrow. His eyes change colors in the different lighting at it's so beautiful. "Fine. Forever promise." He grabs my hand and kisses my pinkie. "Tell me."

"The night we went to the diner. He…" I don't want to relive this. I take a deep breath and look at his sock-clad feet. "He pushed me against the door and hit me, then he pushed me to the ground and made me throatfuck him…" I tried to be vague. "And then he pushed me onto the ground an hit me again before…ripping my pants off." I say stiffly. "He didn't use any lube, just a little spit, and-"

"I'm going to murder him." He stands up and I grab his arm. "You promised!" I say loudly. "No murdering him because of this!"

"There are plenty of other reasons to kill him." Felix growled darkly.

"Like?"

"He's dating my boyfriend."

I smile and blush like a schoolgirl. "I'm your boyfriend?" I want to squeak and fangirl insanely, you don't even know.

He bends down to eyelevel with me and smiles softly. "Of course." He kisses my nose and a giggle a little. "Now let's kill that motherfucker." He stands back up and stretches his arm up. "Strangle, stab or shoot?"

I roll my eyes. "We can't kill him."

"Why not?" Felix asks, almost pouting.

"Well, the police will arrest you and I'll never get you back." I pull him back on the couch. "You'll be in prison getting your ass raped. Or raping ass. It depends on who's more powerful in the shower."

"You could break me out of prison before I rape and or get raped."

I chuckle a little. "Break you out?"

"Then we could run away, into the night. The two of us and not another soul." He says. "Making a life in the stars and the moon."

"And we can get a little house."

"With a white fence."

"Don't forget a dog." I hold up my finger.

"And four kids!" He cries.

"Shesh, man, four?" I raise my eyebrows. "I can't carry that many. Hell, I don't even have ovaries to carry one."

"Adoption. And I already have four girl and four guy names ready, just in case." Felix says.

"You thought about this?" I smile softly. It's almost sweet, hearing him talk like a father.

"Of course! You have to be prepared." He grins. "First born girl is Anastasia, first born son is Dimitri Ivan."

"Both are Russian. The names, not the kids." I lay onto his shoulder. "Cute."

"Second daughter Ariel, second son Damien Alec."

"Pretty."

"Third names are Celeste and Alois."

"They both sound feminine." I say.

"Don't be sexist." He smirks. "Fourth names are Violet and Nathaniel Ryan."

"Nathaniel sounds like my brother's name." I say. "Nathan."

"I've always liked the nickname Nate." He takes my hand. "We can call him Nate."

"What's the dog's name?"

"You can name him since I named the kids." Felix says. "I want a manly dog, though."

"A little fluffy yap-yap dog with a bow named Princess, then. Manly was fuck." We both laugh then the room goes quiet. I run my fingers over his bruised knuckles. "No killing him. Please." I lift his hand and kiss it gently. "Don't kill him…"

"Fine. For you. I won't kill him for you." Felix leans over and kisses my cheek.

It began to rain outside and the noise lulled me to sleep on Felix's lap. I wake up pressed against him in bed, my back to his stomach. I watch the rain out of his window and count the lightning flashes. He would tell me, in his beautiful poetic way, that every time the light flashes its just nature telling me how much Felix loves me.

He's perfect like that.

**A/N: Felix and Cry basically said the basic plot for the rough draft of Helium Angst. As you can see, I edited it a LOT from a prison riot.**

**that1dphangirl: I'm going to be honest with you here, okay? I'll level with you, because honesty is important in any relationship. I don't own Pewdie and Cry. I can't stop you from that. I don't own high school AUs. I can't stop that. Everyone writes them. But, even though I don't own those, I own the characters. I own the personality I gave these people. I mean, Spoon isn't sexy evil and Cry isn't a loveable whore and Pewds isn't a bully with a heart of gold in real life, right? I made those characters and morphed them to my liking. I also created this plot, the one with the revenge porn and the pregnancy and the bitter bipolar love. I made these things, they are my brainchild. I would prefer if you did not use these events or these exact personalities in your story because, yes, even if you said that you weren't coping me, you would be. Write a PewdieCry, write a high school AU, I can't stop you. I would like to stop you, though, from snatching my plot. Thank you and sorry if this was harsh. **

**Hope you all enjoy! And yes, as much as you guys have guessed, stuff's about to go down and I will rip out your hearts. Sorry! :D**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	24. Chapter 24: No Time Left

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Four: No Time Left**

I get a call from Spoon early in the morning. "Hey, baby…"

"H-hey.." My voice shakes then I regain composer. "'Sup?"

"Calling to check in. Where are you?" He asks.

"Sitting in the bathroom, going through a cabinet and trying to find some kind of headache medication." I'm not lying, that's exactly what I'm doing. I have a pounding headache.

"Got any lotion under there?" He chuckles. I hear a zipper moving down.

I'm embarrassed to say that Felix does in fact have lots of lotion under the sink. Some of it is pink, most likely Marzia's, and the other is peach and blueberry scented. It's right next to a small box of condoms. Large-sized condoms. I blush. "…Yep. Lots. Peach, strawberry, glitter or blueberry?"

"Oh, glitter? Stripper-y. Daddy like." He purrs. I shiver. "Here, you wanna use some of that right now?"

I shake my head. "Yes…" My voice takes the low tone I've mastered. "I wish you could see it…stroking, up and down. My cock…ugh, this feels great…"

"I'm getting hard, Cry. Your voice goes straight to my dick." Spoon pants. "Keep it up, don't stop. What are you wearing?"

"Nothing but a big tee shirt. But who knows? Maybe it'll slip off…" I whisper. Jeans and a band shirt, bitches.

"Get yourself ready while I listen." He groans. I can hear him getting off and it's making me uncomfortable.

I put my fingers in my mouth and suck for a minute before taking them out, making a big deal of laying down, then panting loudly and moaning. "Oh, God, Spoon…shit…" I'm just lying there, making noises and panting and being loud, but completely still. I stare at the ceiling and listen to his noises. He's grunting and gasping. "Louder, bitch, louder. Touch yourself." He demands. I find my hand unconsciously and innocently messing with my pant button. "I am…Spoon, oh God…fuck…yes…" I'm overacting, but he'll never know.

The door swings open. "Are you-" Felix stops and I freeze. Spoon's noises are on speaker, I'm lying on the bathroom floor with my hand innocently over my crouch. Yes, innocently. I wasn't jacking off or thinking off it. It was sorta just there. His eyes narrow and I jerk my hand up to my hair. "Uh, um, oh, fuck…yes…" I continue half-heartedly.

Felix stood there, stoic, as Spoon finished with and groan and spoke again. "I'll be home late Saturday, tomorrow, horny and jetlagged. I expect you to be there, ready. Bring glitter lotion and that thong I bought you a week ago. Good? Good. Remember, don't do anything you'll regret." And he hung up.

He looks at me. "Cry?" He says tightly. "Was that-"

"I do that for him sometimes." I say quickly. "Because he loves my voice. Like, a lot." I sit up and look at my feet.

He looks conflicted. Like he wants to punch me, fuck me and cuddle me all at once. Then he gets angry. "I'm going to kill him." He shakes his head. "He's dead, that's it. I'm going to completely destroy him, crush his head and stab him and fucking eat his heart out-"

"You promised!" I remind him.

"He's a sex addict! When's the last time you two were in the same room alone not doing him favors?" He yells.

"He's just really-"

"Don't defend your rapist!" He shouts and I go silent. Felix falls to his knees, eye level with me. "You can't defend him. Not with me here. Everytime you eve say his name I die." He grabs my shoulders and pulls me to his chest. "I want you all to myself." He whispers close to my ear, his lips grazing my earlobe. "And…you have to fucking leave…" He shakes his head. "I can't bare it."

It hit us full force. I have to go back to Spoon's tomorrow. I have to leave.

"Stay. Please."

"I'm sorry." I say. "I wish it could be that way." I grip his shirt then trail my hands to his jeans ripping open the button. He jerks back. "Cry-"

"No, let me-"

"No, you aren't-"

I snap. "We might not get another fucking chance!" I cry out them feel my eyes watering up as I push Felix back and try to yank off his jeans. "We…might never, ever get this chance-"

"Don't say that." He says sternly. He pushes my hands away. "Don't even fucking dare say that. This isn't the last chance. We have time."

"No, we don't, Felix. I need you." I sob and my eyes are blurred as I fumble for the hem of his shirt and tug. "Just…fuck, get your clothes off!" I break off in a sob and hunch over. "Let me fucking have this!"

"Cry!" He yells and grabs my hands. "Listen! We have forever to do this, okay? Forever. Forever, remember?"

I look up at him. His eyes are sad but his face is calm. I just sob out a word. "For…foreve…forever."

He nods. "Forever."

"Forever…" I choke up again.

"Forever."

I jump up and wrap my arms around his neck. "You have to drop me off tomorrow at six o'clock, no later, and you leave me no matter what you hear or see, okay?"

He hesitates. "Cry, I-"

"Don't even joke with me about Spoon, everything I say needs to be perfect. I can't sleep longer than ten. I need to get ready."

Felix nods and leans back to kiss my cheek. "Okay…and then when Spoon's dead we can have sex on his grave."

"I'll be ready then." I nod.

He chuckles. "I know you will be…" He holds my head to his chest. "And we'll live happily ever after."

"I love you." I whisper.

I feel him laying down and I end up laying on top of him on the floor. "I love you, too, Cry."

We lay like this until we need to eat and sleep. In the bed, I don't sleep well. I just grab onto Felix like a parasite and don't let go. It's sad and depressing outside, raining and pouring as Felix relays short poems to me. He loves poetry and keeps memorizing more just for me, and now he relays them all by rote. It's a beautiful moment.

The next morning, we don't really speak except the occasional 'forever.' That's all we need to say.

Until, of course, I get on the back of his motorcycle and he leans back to whisper that he loves me. I whisper it back, then we speed of towards the sunset, like in those movies.

Only I can't see a happy ending.

**A/N: He's baaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkk. Hide the kids, wives and Crys, he's gonna make shit go down.**

**I don't know how many times I can say thank you. I mean, guys, over 10,000 views?! I don't deserve this. You all are too amazing. I love you all so much. *kisses***


	25. Chapter 25: Glitter Bomb

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Five: Glitter Bomb**

_**Warning: this Chapter Contains Hardcore Smut**_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised **_

When I get to the house, it's unlocked. It's dark inside and actually freezing cold. I shove my stuff on the couch, snatch the glitter lotion out of my bag and walk upstairs, undressing and leaving a trail of clothes as I go. I've practiced this. I keep the thong, pink lacy with slight glitter in the weaving, on my thin body and begin to glitter my thighs. I shiver at the cold and continue up my body and just under my eyes. I wanted to look pretty so that maybe he'd go easy on me.

I took out some eye-glitter that I took from under Felix's sink, which had obviously been Marzia's, and sprinkle it into my hair and my shoulders and on the bed. I toss the empty container in the garbage then look in the mirror.

I look shattered.

I lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and take deep breathes. I haven't prayed since second grade. I haven't been religious since elementary school. "Dear God…that's how you start it, right? Oh, um, sorry. Please let me be able to get through this without a mental breakdown. Thanks, man- I mean God. Amon. Right? Amon? Oh, amen. My bad."

I reapply the lotion twice before I finally hear the door open and the bag fall. My blood runs cold at a creepy giggle. "Good boy…" His steps echo on the stairs and I turn onto my stomach and look over my shoulder flirtatiously, kicking my legs slowly. When he opens the door, he pauses and I blink slowly. "Welcome home, baby…"

He walks over to the bed and stands near it, tracing a single finger up my spine and making me shiver. I try to keep eye contact and push out the nervous pit in my stomach. I have to perform great today or else he'll suspect something. He crawls onto the bed and over me, going right against my ear. "Did you miss me like I missed you?" He whispers into my ear before nipping gently. "You look so beautiful…delicious…" Spoon runs his hands down my sides. "I could just eat you up." He kisses down my neck and my spine, licking the dimples at the bottom of my back slowly and tauntingly. I feel a heaviness in my mind, telling me I'm about to get flashbacks of that night. I shake my head into the pillow and let a gasp escape my lips.

I will enjoy this if it kills me.

He plays with the lacy thong before pulling it aside and biting into my cheek. I do moan this time and grip the sheets. He moves to tease my hole with his tongue and I shake my head and refuse the memories while forcing myself to moan. Please, dear God, don't make me panic. I take deep breathes. I lull myself to an in-between and let him eat me out as I moan involuntarily while thinking about something completely different. I feel my erection, my first one in a while, pressing against the bed. I look back at him, taking in the obscene view of him licking just above my ass. "Did you miss my mouth?" He asks. I nod.

He flips me over but I wiggle back. "No. Let me." I crawl forward, sexual eyes gleam and making him lean back with a bitter smirk. I position my mouth by his stomach and pull up his sweatshirt and shirt. I lean down and lick his stomach. He raises his eyebrows and I unbutton his pants slowly. "Spoon…I want to show you how much I missed you." This would get him off my case. He wouldn't suspect a thing if I did this. I push down his jeans and his boxers to his knees. I take his half-hard cock in my hand and some of the glitter lotion. I start to stroke, up and down, and he leans back and groans. "Oh, baby…" Without warning, I take his length into my mouth and move up and down. I close my eyes tightly and push out all my thoughts, just focusing on not gagging or throwing up.

After a minute or so, I pull back up. "Tell me you love me." I say suddenly and crawl to crush my lips against his. Spoon looks at me and pulls away. "I love you."

I rip the thong off, literally ripping it at the crotch. "Watch me get myself ready."

"You're never this eager." He smiles. "I like it." I suck on my fingers then trail them to my stomach and past my throbbing cock. I tease my hole and push away my negative thoughts, quickly shoving in three fingers and crying out while pulling in, out and scissoring. I moan and whimper as his hands move down and up my sides. "You're so pretty when you fuck yourself…"

I stop. I look him straight in the eye and sit up. "Spoon…"

"What?"

"Forgive me for not being a better boyfriend." I whisper, then drop on his cock. I wince and bite my lip at the sudden intrusion, my head falling back. He lets out a loud moan and a string of curses as I start to move, rolling my hips and bouncing a little. I lift myself up on my knees and move myself up and down, my hands resting on his flat, toned stomach. Suddenly, I hit the right spot and my hands start to tremble. "Yes…Yes…" I moan. My eyes are shut and I almost refuse to look at him.

"Call out for me, princess." Spoon huffs. His hands move up and down my milky white glitter-coated thighs. "Yell out my name-"

"Spoon!" I cry. "Yes! Fuck!" His hands darts out to grab my erection and starts viciously pump. It's his nice way of saying 'I'm close, let's cum together'. I crash down once, twice, one last time and I cum onto his stomach with him emptying into me. We both ride our highs for a few seconds before falling into the sheets and panting loudly.

He pulls me close, flush to his side. "That was amazing."

"I…" And I suddenly burst into tears. Spoon looks at me for a long time before pulling my head to his stomach. "What the hell, princess?" He whispers. He pets my hair and looks down. I don't sleep well, I'm crying too hard and starting to feel sick. I accidently licked all the lotion off to Spoon's cock and it's not healthy, plus all the extra glitter on the bed and in my hair. I need a shower, I need sleep, I need an escape.

The next morning, I wake up to Spoon's teeth on my collarbone. "You need a shower, baby."

"I know." I huff out and slide out of bed. I pull myself up and stumble to the bathroom. My hips are suddenly grabbed.

"Can I join you?"

"Can I have alone time?" I ask quietly. "I want to…get myself ready for round two!" I say quickly.

"Fine." He says and nudges me into the bathroom and closing the door.

As soon as I get in the shower, and the cold water hits my back, I close my eyes. "Forgive me for not being a better boyfriend, Felix…" and I burst into tears again.

**A/N: Sorry I missed a day or two! Exams and stressing me, season finales are making me cry and lots of feels. **

**Love you all! I hope you hate Spoon as much as I do! And thank you SO MUCH for the 11,000 views! *kisses***


	26. Chapter 26: X X X

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Six: X X X**

_**Warning: This Chapter Contains Hardcore Smut**_

_**Major Trigger Warning**_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised**_

At the beginning of _Romeo and Juliet_, there's a prologue. In the prologue, it talks about everything that goes on in the story. It's a giant spoiler that summarizes what you're about to read or see. If anyone ever writes a novel about my life, I don't want a prologue. My prologue might scare people away.

"Remember, you do exactly as I say, okay?" Spoon reminds me when he stops the car. We're going to his friend's house and I'm supposed to stay quiet, be innocent and listen to Spoon without hesitation.

I nod is response to him and get out of the car. He meets me on the other side. He walks me in.

I feel cold.

No one's in the house. They're all outback in the small pool. Spoon greets them then sits on the edge of the pool as to not wet his sacred hoodie. He tells me to get in and stand by him. I do. Spoon kisses me, then almost instantly the guys come closer.

"He's so cute."

"Tiny little thing."

"_This_ is the cocksucker you told us about?"

"I can see why you like him…"

"Thin as fuck."

I feel so uncomfortable.

One of the guys grabs my waist suddenly and I jump back. "Go ahead." Spoon nods at the teenager and he pulls me close again. I probably look terrified as he kneads into my waist and perches himself on the stairs with me on his lap. "He's like a doll." He says. "He's so little." He bounces me on his knee twice before motioning another guy over. "You really think he can take all of us?" He looks at Spoon and Spoon just nods coolly. "Yep. Little slut here as taken everyone at the high at least once." I get passed to another guy, this one who studies my face and throat. "Nice. He's tight."

Spoon smirks. "He's tight everywhere."

I shoot a look at Spoon of complete terror. No. Not again. I barely had time to concentrate on my fatal position before being passed to a much rougher guy who shamelessly slide my shorts down a bit and sticking his hand down to tease my hole. I let out a squeak and they all laugh. "Yep." The guy says. "Everywhere." I pull up my shorts and look at him pathetically.

I'm passed to another guy to bends me over his knee, my face in the water up to my nose. He spanks me once and I gasp, only to choke on water. The boys and Spoon laugh as I cough and sputter to clear my lungs. "Poor baby." One of the guys jeer. He reaches over and grabs my ass. I wince away.

"I say we make him feel better." A guy smirks to another and they both grab me and pull me to them. "Don't hog him!" Another guys says.

"Oh, please. We're just getting him started." The guy says before leaning in and forcing me to kiss me. The other one is kissing my neck and touching my chest.

"You all are excited." I can hear Spoon say. "Not excited, deprived." Someone responds. "Now, get over here, hoodie. Teach us how to work him."

The kiss is broken as Spoon leans over the edge and over me. He sweeps some hair out of my face and smiles. "Be good for these guys, okay? Give them what they ask for." He stands back and crosses his arms.

I decide to finally to try to get out of this. "Spoon-"

"Go at it." He orders.

The two guys already working on me are joined by another who's fighting to get off my swim trunks. A fourth starts feeling himself through his shorts and watching. A fifth and final man helps hold me up for the others. When my shorts are ripped off, they grin and get to work.

I try to tune it out. I really do. But they coax me into a turned-on state and I'm getting beer forced down my throat. I'm layed down on the side of the pool for a guy to eat out. His tongue violates me and another tongue traces my neck and chest. I'm being swallowed, literally and figuratively. I shake my head and involuntarily moan.

My second orgy is the worst orgy, mainly because my boyfriend watches the whole thing and doesn't do a thing. Maybe because he just laughs and watches and smirks as I get thrust into five separate times while giving blowjobs and having filthy hands trace my skin and ruin me. I've already cum twice, but now it's just gotten to the point of pure hell.

I'm being violated.

Spoon just watches.

Spoon just gets one of his friends to suck him off while he watches.

He watches as I bob my head up and down and lick the cock being shoved into my throat while my ass gets destroyed. My spine is getting nipped at. My ears are getting licked. My nipples are sore from all the contact.

Please kill me now.

When they're done, they move on to each other and leave me shivering on the stone ground. I struggle to stand, making sure that no one is watching. No one is this time. No one watches me now. I turn and stumble and limp to the house, snatching up my sweatshirt and swimtrunks as I go. My body is on fire.

I fumble for my phone. I lock myself in the bathroom after finding it. I push call without hesitation.

"Cry?"

"Come get me. Now." I sob out. "Pick me up. Just drive past and I'll hop in, I don't care. Just…just…" I break off in vicious sobs of pain.

"What happened, Cry?" He sounds stern.

"I'll explain when you get here. I'll text the address." I whisper then hang up. I text the address and then sit looking at myself in the mirror.

I am like a doll. A broken china doll.

When he pulls up in the red convertible, I jump in and curl up into his side as he drives. "What if Spoon-"

"I don't give a damn, Felix! Get me out of here! Take me to your house." I beg, sobs stuck in my throat. "Let me hide."

"What happened?" He demands. "You look like you've gone through hell."

"I have. Spoon sold me off." I say. "Orgy." I can't even look him in the eye.

He nearly wrecks at those words. "What?!" He yells. "I'm going back and kicking his ass!" He backs up to turn the car around.

"Don't!" I scream and grab his wrist. "He'll murder me." Felix looks at me then speeds forward, away from the house. He's gripping the wheel too tight, he looks murderous.

"You're not going back there, are you?!" Felix glares at me when we pull into his driveway.

"I have to."

"No!" He says. "I love you, you're staying in my house." Felix doesn't give me a choice. He carries me bridal style out of the car. He carries me up the stairs and lays me down. "I'm so sorry I left you alone…" He whispers. I shake my head and turn away.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend…"

**A/N: Sorry.**


	27. Chapter 27: Shock Jockey

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Seven: Shock Jockey**

The worst part of the next day is Felix trying to take care of me. I reject his efforts. I reject his kissing, I reject his food and I even reject his attempt to get me to shower. When he asks why I'm being too distant, I tell him it's because an angel like him doesn't deserve to be weighed down by me.

I think those were the words that broke him.

Felix had grabbed me and hugged me. He holds me tight, even now, and I don't stop crying into his chest.

Spoon doesn't call me to check on me. I have a feeling he knows where I am.

"Felix…I'm an awful person. You hate me." I sob, digging my face into his shoulder.

I feel him shake his head. "No…I don't. I love you." He sounds a little desperate. "I love you, Cry. You're not an awful person. You're just in a bad situation."

"You hate me and I'm awful and you should kill me now." I whimper. "Just stab me and make me suffer…"

"No." He gripped me tighter. "Snap out of it. I love you." He leans down to kiss my ear. "I can't kill you…I won't. I love you."

"You shouldn't." I whisper. "You shouldn't."

He shouldn't.

I escape from his grip and lay down on his pillow. "I'm sorry. For everything." I cry for a little before I feel a hand stroke my hair. It's quiet for a few minutes. I'm drowning in it.

Felix touched my arm. "At least shower." I couldn't refuse how soft his voice was. I stood up and stumbled to the bathroom to turn on the lights. I didn't realize how badly I had to piss until I saw the toilet. I close the door, get undressed and then piss.

I squeak out loud. It hurts, a lot. I'm burning and it doesn't stop until after I piss. I whimper and I hear a knock on the door. "Are you okay?"

"No!" I cry out before I can feel ashamed. "It hurts. A lot."

"What does? Did you fall?"

"…No." I say.

It clicks with him too quick for my liking. "Did anyone use a condom last night?"

"I'm fine." I say quickly. This doesn't happen to me. "No. I'm good."

"Cry, when's the last time Spoon's used a condom?"

"No!"

"When's the last time you went and got checked by a doctor!"

"Shut up!"

Felix opens the door and I panic to cover myself with a towel. "Privacy!" I cry and pull more clothes towards me. He shakes his head. "You are not leaving my sight unless you get tested!"

"I'm not going to the doctor!" I cry.

"I will carry you there!" He yells.

"No!" I scream and try to pull on my shirt without flashing him. Suddenly, though, I'm getting picked up and slung over Felix's shoulder, naked. "No! Let go! I'm still naked! I can't go naked!"

"I'll dress you and drive!" He walks out of his room and down the hall, holding down my legs. I start punching his back and screaming. "I'm going. We're going. Now."

"No!" I shake my head. "Please!"

I end up losing and getting dressed in the back of the convertible while Felix drives me to a doctor.

After an hour of testing and waiting in the room with Felix, a doctor I've never seen before comes in. "Hello, Mr. Cryaotic. I have your quick results."

"What is it?" Felix asks.

"Well, it's not good news. Chlamydia." She says. My heart drops. "It's a slightly severe case. Curable, with pills, but you can't have intercourse for about four months at the least. Once a day for these pills. When they run out, you'll be good. Shower well. And you might want to get checked too." She turns to Felix. "Chlamydia is hard to spell but easy to catch."

"Don't worry. I don't have it. We haven't done that." Felix says shamelessly.

"Who did he with, then?" The doctor's eyes flash. "Was is unconsented?"

"No." "Yes." Me and Felix speak at the same time then glare at each other.

"Whichever it is, you want to tell that partner and…report anything legally, if need be." She said. "I'll be right back with the pills."

I go out in the hall to call Spoon when she leaves.

"Spoon?" I say. "You need to go to the doctor."

"Why?"

"I have an STD." I whisper.

He just laughs. "Let me guess, you think I gave it to you?"

I nod furiously, suddenly angry. "Yes!"

"Disease is either fast or slow, not in between. You either got it from a client or from the orgy." Spoon says. "I know it's not me."

"Yes it is!" I cry. "Get checked or I won't have sex with you!" I get a few weird stares from the doctors but I don't care.

"Yes you will." He sounds dangerous. "Don't challenge me on this."

"I will!" I'm suddenly brave.

"Oh, really? Watch what happens when you get home." He hangs up and my blood runs cold. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to feel lips on my cheek. "We'll get through this together, baby." Felix whispers. "I love you."

I don't respond.

**A/N: Bam, another plot bomb.**

**Love you all! *kisses***


	28. Chapter 28: Informational Cotton Candy

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Eight: Informational Cotton Candy**

"Chlamydia can be transmitted during vaginal, anal, or oral sex, and can be passed from an infected mother to her baby during vaginal childbirth. Between half and three-quarters of all women who have a chlamydia infection of the cervix, cervicitis, have no symptoms and do not know that they are infected. In men, infection of the urethra, urethritis, is usually symptomatic, causing a white discharge from the penis with or without pain on urinating, dysuria. Occasionally, the condition spreads to the upper genital tract in women, causing pelvic inflammatory disease, or to the epididymis in men, causing epididymitis. If untreated, chlamydial infections can cause serious reproductive and other health problems with both short-term and long-term consequences." Felix read aloud from the informational papers the doctor had given us. "Huh."

"None of that made any motherfucking sense." I groan.

"It means 'thank God you aren't a woman' because you could have the first layer of your ovaries peeled off by now." He said. "And 'thank God we found it fast' because you could become sterile and kill you. Apparently, chlamydia doesn't even usually show symptoms. We got lucky, huh? Thank God it burns when you piss." He turned around and gave me an anime-esk hopeful smile.

"Wow." I sit up. "You're really hopeful."

"Well, we dodged a bullet here. It could be worse. Here, I can get some water. First pill's the hardest. Might as well be here for you before you go back to him, right?" Felix stands up. "I'll care for you. He'll choke you. He'll abuse you, I'll get you water." He sounds very, very bitter about Spoon.

"But water will make me pee." I turn over onto my stomach and moan into the pillow. "It'll hurt again."

"I'll hold your hand." He says, deadpan. He was even mocking me now. "Water now or pain, peeling ovaries and no cum later."

Felix is good at convincing me. "Fine." I look away. "Bring 'er here."

When the pale pink pill is in my palm and the cup of water is in my other, I take a deep breath and chug it all at once. Felix nearly attacks me. "God, don't choke yourself!"

"I wanted to get it over with!" I cough out and feel the pill trail my throat down to my stomach. "Nasty…"

"Drink more water." He demands and passes me the glass again. I chug, only making me cough more. He pats my back and then the couch vibrates. "Felix, get that sex toy off the couch-"

"It's your phone, not a viberator." Felix smirks. "It's…" His face falls. "Oh. Take it." He tosses the phone to me and I catch it. I answer it and pull it up to my ear with a strained cough. "Hello?"

"When you're done playing house with your manwhore, get your ass back here for punishment, okay?" Spoon says darkly into the phone. "I have some stuff planned."

I swallow. "Okay." I say quietly. "I love you." I add quickly.

"Ya, ya." Spoon says passively and threateningly. "This is your weekend off, bitch. As soon as I get my hands on you again, I'm not fucking letting you go." That would have sounded romantic under different context. "See you tomorrow." He hangs up.

The line is silent. I'm silent. I look up a Felix. "We have until tomorrow."

He looks down at me, completely quiet.

"What counts as intercourse?" I ask.

"Well…being naked. Stuff touching other than mouths." Felix said.

"And I have chlamydia in my dick, not my mouth, right?"

"I don't think you _can _get it in your mouth." He says.

I stand up on the couch to stand over him by a few inches and kiss him on the nose. "Felix, will you not-intercourse with me?"

Felix smiles gently and kisses my chin. "Cry, I would be honored to lose my not-virginity to you."

We both crumble onto the couch, kissing with our mouths closed. Our lips begin to part and our tongue slide out tango for dominance. I let Felix win and open my mouth so he can explore every part of it. Our hands stay to ourselves as I suddenly lean forward with my tongue to lick the roof of his mouth. He makes a satisfied noise and I respond with a purr. He bites my lip, pulling back and letting it pop back. I grin and lean into his neck as he kisses my jawline. I kiss his jugular and lean up to kiss under his chin. "You taste like blueberry." I mutter into his skin. I feel his muscles pull as he grins. He pulls back to kiss my lips again. "Wow, you're right." He smirks.

"How does it feel tasting yourself on me?" I whisper. "Do you want to do it more often?"

He pulls back and tries to act stern. "You have an STD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder having to do with rape. We can't do anything about my sexual needs, so if you get me turned on, I swear to fucking God-"

"Sorry, sorry. Instinct." I giggle. Felix leans in to lick my bottom lip before standing up. "I'm starving."

"But not-intercourse." I whimper joking.

"Not-intercourse lasted longer than some of my personal-intercourses. Twenty minutes of pure kissing, Cry." He points to the clock. "How did we breathe?"

"We didn't think about it, I guess." I shrug.

"I wish I could think less all the time." He says. "I'll make us sandwiches."

"Yes, wife! Go! Make me a sandwich!" I point at the kitchen. Felix chuckles and walks to the kitchen. "I'm the man in the relationship." He yells back.

"Oh, fuck no!" Cry says.

"Who's shorter?"

"…Me."

"Who has longer hair?"

"Debatable." Felix's hair is decently long, but mine is longer by an inch or so.

"Cry." His tone is jokingly warning me to answer.

"Fine, me." I roll my eyes.

"Who has hips and a real waist? I mean, girl waist. Real waist, like corset and dress-ready."

"…Shut up."

"So, Cry, who's the girl?"

I cross my arms. "Fine."

"Don't worry, I love you, girlly!" Felix yells back.

"Don't you fucking dare!" I laugh and stand up to go to the kitchen. "Don't even joke!"

"But you're my princess." Felix says.

I feel a pang in my stomach. "No. Don't call me princess. He calls me that sometimes."

He just nods. "Fine. You're my Juliet."

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo! I'm hungry, make my sandwich, Romeo!" I smirk and sit on the counter. He shoots a playful look at me as I kick my legs back and forth. "You are the east, with your hair as blonde as the sun." I continue. "Um…A rose by any other name is just as fuckable? Fuck this, I can't quote."

"I can." Felix says.

"I know. You're a science and poetry genius and all I have is…a boyfriend who's a science and poetry genius. And the other that's a sex addict who likes it when I glitter."

Felix's jaw clenches a little. "Glitter isn't a verb." He's avoiding a major breakdown by focusing on correcting my grammar. Smart bastard.

"It is now." I say. "It's as much as a verb as not-intercourse." I smile a little. "Forever, Felix."

"Forever."

**A/N: A little informative/fluffy. Enjoy~ I'm so sorry I'm bad at fluff :x**

**Thank you for the 13,000 views and over 160 reviews! Every review you all send me makes me giggle/laugh/smile/grin/look like someone who just found out they're OTPs are becoming canon/happy. I love you all, seriously! :D *kisses***


	29. Chapter 29: Colors of Smoke

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Twenty Nine: Colors of Smoke**

I love everything about Felix.

Have I told you that?

His hair is so soft, his lips are so gentle, his body is warm and inviting. When I sleep next to him, I feel protected. I feel like a castle has been wrapped around me and I can't be hurt. I love to nuzzle into his chest and feel his clothes against my face and just breathe in his sweet scent. I love feeling his hands on my back because it makes me feels so vulnerable yet protected. I love it when he decides to talk me to sleep or wake me up using poetry.

"Her lips are copper wire…" He begins. He knows I love this one by Jean Toomer. "Whisper of yellow globes, gleaming on lamp-posts that sway like bootleg licker drinkers in the fog." He leans down to kiss my nose and I wiggle it in response.

"And let your breath be moist against me like bright beads on yellow globes." He whispers onto the skin of my neck and I shiver. He brings his finger tips to tease my jawline. "Telephone the power-house that the main wires are insulate."

His hands move down to cup my hips. "Her words play softly up and down dewy corridors of billboards."

Felix's lips make contact with my forehead then begin to slowly trail down my cheekbones. "Then with your tongue remove the tape." He kisses the corner of my mouth. "And press your lips to mine." His lips make contact with my ear and whisper so sensually I let out a small moan. "Till they are incandescent."

"I love you." I mutter into his neck. "I need you."

"You need to wake up. We have to take you to his house soon." He says. "Sit up. I want to make sure you aren't getting sicker."

"The sickness won't show on my face." I roll my eyes and sit up.

"You're blushing." Felix smiles gently and traces the back of his hand on one of my cheek. "You're so cute when you're flustered-"

"Stop it, it'll get worse." I look away.

"Get dressed, I'll make cereal. Take your pill and we can go to Spoon's." Felix stumbles out of bed and walks out of the room to leave me to get dressed. I get dressed slowly, hesitant to leave, but make my way downstairs and eat. I down my pill, kiss Felix then go out to the car and wait for him to get dressed while planning what to say to Spoon.

What do I say? He probably is going to want me to get him off, maybe do a stripetease and then he'll probably beat me a little.

I'm okay with that. Just as long as I don't get raped again.

Felix hops in the car after a few minutes. "To his house?"

I nod.

We drive without speaking, just a faint song playing from the radio. I keep glancing at him and studying him, drinking in his image for later. I know I'll need it later.

When we pull into Spoon's driveway, I don't risk kissing him or waving. I leave the car and just walk. "Forever." Felix calls at me. I don't respond.

I open the door, drop my stuff and turn around to watch Felix drive away. As soon as I can't see him, I run upstairs and into Spoon's room. "Spoon-"

The room is smoky and I nearly choke. I would recognize this scent everywhere and I'm not planning on smelling it too much. Spoon's on the bed and he has another person next to him, rolling up joints and handing them off. Spoon looks up at me with red eyes. "Baby…" He slurs and leans forward. "Get over here and meet the lovely Nova…" His voice trailed off as he grabs my waist and pulls me on top of him.

Nova waves halfheartedly. I had heard about him before. He was a nice guy, straight as an arrow, and made near perfect grade. Yes, he smoked weed, but apparently it didn't hinder him in the slightest.

Spoon forces me onto his lap and sticks a joint in my lips. I don't breath in and he's too stoned to care. "Isn't Cry just adorable? He's a little cock slut and got herpes, though." He rolls his eyes and flops onto his pillows. Nova looks at me. "Spoon's a right bastard, isn't he?" He says. Spoon laughs and pulls me to sit on his chest.

"I can't sleep with my whore for four months." He pouts. The smoke is starting to get to me, I can tell. I look around and the edges are blurred in the walls.

"Spoon, I need to stop. This could mess with-"

"Strip for us." Spoon shoves me off. "Dance. Make it worth it." Nova looks at him with dagger eyes, but says nothing.

I sigh and stand up. I called it, didn't I?

I start moving my hips to the invisible music and lift up my shirt slowly while biting my lip. When I finally yank the shirt off and toss it aside, biting my fingernail coyly as I start to get off my pants while bending over seductively. I keep up this innocent-virgin-stripping-for-the-first-time act while Spoon watches with his drugged eyes. He loves it.

When I'm in nothing but my panties, Spoon tells me to grind on him until he cums. I do, making him hard through his jeans. Nova leaves afterwards while Spoon fingers my chest with the burning tip of a joint. Nova doesn't want to deal with Spoon. He feels bad for me, though. I can see it in his eyes.

I sigh and wince with every burn as the smoke clears through the vents and Spoon dives from his high. "I love you." I say over my shoulder at him.

He just leans up to bite my neck. "You are mine again." He whispers. "School starts in a month. Remember you're mine. Tell me your mine."

"I'm yours." I say.

"I fucking hate you, you cock slut." He sneers and rolls over on his side. "You fucking whore."

**A/N: Thank you for everything! 14,000 views?! WOW! Seriously fantastic. You don't understand. Thank you.**


	30. Chapter 30: Lollipop Death Match

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty: Lollipop Death Match**

A month passes fast.

I spent the end of summer with Spoon and a little with my family. I don't remember doing anything besides putting Nathan to bed, helping my mom clean and getting Spoon off. It all blended together, just like freshman year. Wrapped into blurs and colors. It was awful, but had its sweet moments. The moments when Spoon would just watch a movie with me, when we would cuddle and actually act like a happy couple.

On the first day of school, the first person I saw was Marzia. She was huge. Gorgeous, none the less, but her stomach was like a balloon. She didn't speak much and seemed really hesitant about everything. She had a friend with her, Kalel, which was one of the only few that stayed her friend. Her and Toby didn't know the gender because her parents didn't really let her leave the house all summer besides a few routine check-ups. Toby was going to take her to the doctor next weekend for the gender. Marzia kept telling Kalel she wished with all her heart for the little baby to be a girl. Toby was praying for a boy.

The Crew was happy to see me alive and safe. We sit and talk and laugh all through lunch. Drew was being clingy and sweet to Minx, Red and Russ were being perfect and Scott and Raven were laughing over something online. Snake was being chill and just talking to me about life and summer. We seemed normal again, even if Scott and me still were at a standstill.

The worst part though was seeing Felix. He was surrounded by friends and totally seemed reverted back to his old ways. He didn't punch me, though. Mainly joined in on the verbal taunting of the football players. It was common knowledge that I had a boyfriend and was off-limits now. I originally slept around for protection. I was free run for physical beatings now. A scrawny, pathetic tiny little junior like me? Shark bait.

I'm doomed.

I, of course, get an assload of homework after school and end up in my room for a good two hours trying to finish it. It sucks. All of this isn't review, it's torture.

Today, though, it's worse.

Much worse.

It starts with a painful shove down the stairs by a random guy, flirting from girls and lots of stares and jeers about being a homo. I hate my classes, they're boring and useless and just plain stress me out. School tests memory, not intelligence. It's useless. I want to sleep and be with Felix and eat and just plain die.

I skip fifth period and end up hiding in the empty library behind the boring books. The librarian is out for lunch and this is the perfect spot for people to sneak away. I didn't expect other people though, none the least, and ended up hearing yelling a few rows down. I get up, creeping down the rows of books to find the source of the yelling, half because I'm a gossip-whore and half because I could hear it was Minx and some guy. I get on my knees to peer through the books to make out the skinny jeans Minx wore and the cargo pants that pointed to Felix.

My breath got caught in my throat.

"Get off of me."

"Felix, you need to listen-"

"Shut up."

"The way you still look at her-"

"Shut up."

"You're cheating him out of a real relationship-"

"Minx, shut the fuck up!" He suddenly cries. "Stop. It's not like that."

"You're lying to yourself. You're mistaking real friendship for a relationship!" She says. She reaches out to grab his shoulder. "You're going to hurt him-"

"Stop it!" Felix pulls away and starts down a row. They're both too caught up in each other's anger to notice me, thank God. I scoot back farther to avoid their looks and pull out a dictionary to hide my face.

"Listen to me for a fucking second." Minx hisses. "You think you like him, but you don't. You like his feministic looks and the fact he didn't leave you like she did!"

"What the hell are you talking about? We're dating." He glared at her and turned around to walk again.

"You're just dating him because you know he'll never leave you!" She stormed after him.

"I love him." Felix growls.

"You love the idea of him. You like pretending he's a little girl, with flat boobs and a deep tight pussy. You're going to think it's okay, kissing him, then as soon as his pants come off and you see dick you'll run. I don't want that for him." She says. "You think I don't see the way you look at her? You wish it was your fucking child she was carrying."

"Stop. I love him." He repeats.

"I don't want him hurt. If you loved him, you would claim him here at school. If you loved him, you would get him out of that relationship with Spoon." Minx voice was getting softer. "Please. Just…don't lead him on. He deserves better."

"He's gay. He doesn't like you." Felix says quickly. "He thinks you're bitchy and whiny."

"I'm still going to try to help him." Minx says. "Plus, he's just as bitchy."

Felix looks at her before walking away. He pauses for a second and turns around. "You…Cry is important to me, okay?"

"But he's not important romantically."

"Yes…yes. He is."

"Prove it." Minx said plainly. "I'm going to hide until sixth." She pushed past Felix and towards the other end of the library. Felix stood in shock before turning down my aisle of the library and not noticing me for a few seconds. My heart stops when he does so, because I know I'm caught as soon as he walks to my area. He looks up and makes eye contact with me over the book.

Felix falls to his knees in front of me after looking around to make sure no one was watching. He pushes the book from my face and brings a thumb up under my eye to wipe the tears I didn't know I had. "Cry." He whispers. "I'm sorry you had to hear that." I lean into his touch and close my eyes as he strokes my cheeks with his thumb and palm. "You know everything she said was a lie, right? You now I love you, right?"

I look at him and into his blue eyes, nodding slowly. "Ya. Ya, you do." He helps me stand up and kisses the tip of my nose before walking out of the library to get willing detention. I look at my feet, the floor and the book while trying to avoid overanalyzing the situation.

If I do that, I might go into full mental breakdown mode.

I honestly thought I might have finally had Felix Kjellberg as my own.

But now…doubt was flooding into me like a sick river.

**A/N: Guess what. Contest to make up for my four day absence. **

**Well, sorta contest.**

**It's time to play…PICK THE GENDER, NAME AND LOOKS OF THE FUTURE BABY! Yes, that's right! Review the story with a gender, favorite baby name, some ideas for looks and even if you want twins and I will pick the best (or mix and match combinations) to create my reader's…Dream CutieBuscus child! :D Go crazy with this and have fun.**

**And sorry about the lack of updates. My life is kinda…taking a beating, so we're gonna slow the updates. I'm really sorry.**

**Love you all! Thank you for waiting! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! *kisses***


	31. Chapter 31: Narcotic Numbness

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty One: Narcotic Numbness**

I should have never, ever run away that night.

I thought Spoon would be okay with the fact I had gone with Felix. I mean, he had been okay for a month. He hadn't brought it up or mentioned anything. He had become nicer, even, and had bought me new clothes and had held me close and helped me remember my pill every morning with a text. I thought I was in the clear.

I was wrong.

"Cry!" I walk down the hall, barely noticing the fact someone's running after me. "Cry! Cryaotic fucking Monki!"

"Russell! Language!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Crabtree…Cry!" My shoulder is grabbed and Russ whips me around. "Dude, you have to come see this. I'm not kidding. This is serious." Russ grabs my wrist and pulls me to the parking lot. Thank God school is over. He shoves me into his car. "Laptop. Now. Open it, go to Safari and type in…" He looked at the palm of his hand to read the ink. "'Small Underaged Brunette Twink Fucks Big Cocked Newly-legal.'"

"…Russ."

"Yeah?"

"Why the fucking hell are you making me look up gay porn in _the middle of the school parking lot_?!"

"Well…these two freshman told me they had gotten bored in study hall, gotten on their laptops and Googled people from the school…" He stares at the floor, all nervous and ashamed. "Do it. Now."

I roll my eyes. "I don't want to see amateur gay porn made by two freshman wanna-bes." I try to push past Russ but he shoves me back. "God, why so serious, Russell?" I frown. The look on his face is going from sad to embarrassed to frustrated in a matter of seconds.

"Because…it's not amateur freshman porn, Cry." Russ frowned. "These freshman girls found…something I have a feeling you don't know about."

I should have known then.

I open his laptop, go to Google and have him read out the title of the porno again. I almost die from laughter at the fact I'm looking up gay porn at school in my friends car. "If I get hard, don't blame me."

Russ doesn't smile at the joke.

Right form the thumbnail of the video, I feel my stomach collapse on itself. "No." I say quickly. I click on the video. "He just looks the same."

The 'brunette twink' is covered in glitter. The 'big cocked newly-legal' is wearing a hood. The camera had been hidden and set up by his friend one hour before I had arrived at his house. The moans and the pants and the begging from 'the underaged slut' was just making me want to throw up.

"Cry, you're pale-"

"Russ. I am about to throw up in your car. Please move so I don't ruin your backseat." I squeak out and Russ pulls me out of the car. I lean over into some of the school's flowers and vomit up my lunch and my breakfast. Russ just pats my back as I fall to my knees and sit staring at nothing in particular. Somehow, Raven and Minx find us and watch a few seconds of the video in shock. Raven sits next to me to comfort me and Minx hunts down the freshman girls.

The video was sent around the school like wildfire.

I hate myself.

I want to kill myself.

I can't bring myself to cry, though.

I refuse to go to Spoon's that afternoon. I don't text, call, anything. Apparently, though, Red gave him hell over the phone and all he did was laugh.

The next day, I curl up in the library during my free period and just stare blankly at the wall. I'm done. My mother will get an email from a parent or a teacher. I'll never be trusted and never be able to be with Spoon again. I'll be ruined. If any college administrators search my name, I'll never be let in. At least Marzia's pictures can be burned. Mine can never go away.

I bet at least seven pedophiles have downloaded that stuff. Seven. Maybe nine. Give or take a MILF.

A tap on my shoulder makes me turn around. "Cry…I saw." The blonde said softly.

"Come to gloat?" I look up at her.

Marzia shakes her head. "No. I won't gloat." She struggled to sit in the chair next to mine, and when she finally sits she sets both her hands on her stomach. "I'm sorry about what happened, Cry."

"I did the same to you."

"But I didn't wish it on you. This isn't a victory for me either." Marzia says quietly. "I'm very, very sorry."

"Don't patronize me." I mutter.

"I'm not." She says. She reaches over to grip my hand and I pull it away. "Please listen. I genuinely want to help you. I still haven't recovered from what happened to me…but I want to help you."

"Shut up." I close my eyes and feel the first tears in two days welling up. "Stop being nice to me."

"I thought you'd like to be the first to know that it's a girl."

"Stop it!" I stand up and turn around. "Why are you being nice to me, I ruined your life! I ruined your image, I ruined you!" I cry. She flinches and looks away. "Why don't you hate me?!"

"Because, Cry, I forgave you." She suddenly says loudly. "I forgave you just like I forgave Felix."

My knees are weak. I'm falling into my chair.

"Cry? Are you okay?"

I completely forgot Felix.

What the hell is he going to say about all of this?

**A/N: Return of the Revenge Porn. Da-dum-dum-dum. **

**Who hopes Felix will actually physically kill Spoon now? Who hopes Cry will get a happy ending? Who hopes that something good will happen in the nearby future for our young hero? Who has doubts I'll be that kind to my main characters?**

**Love you all! We've hit 16,000 views! JESUS THAT'S A LOT. I love you all! And please, leave in the reviews where in the world you're viewing from! *kisses***


	32. Chapter 32: Cigarette Kiss

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Two: Cigarette Kiss**

I really, really wonder if suicide is painless. If it's not, I wonder what would hurt the least. Pills seem the easiest, a gun seems the fastest and drowning seems the most poetic. Felix likes poetic, so he'd find a poem to match my drowning and make it sound like a beautiful tragedy when in truth I'm a fucking coward who can't cope with the pain of pornography and the abuse of an eighteen-year-old rapist. I am a coward who can't get an adults help because I'm scared to ruin them. I'm pathetic. I deserve to die.

You should live on, though. You deserve it.

I'm excited to hear Felix's poem from Heaven.

"My life sucks."

"Cry-"

"My life doesn't just suck. It swallows."

Felix has not been to school in four days. He has not called anyone, he has not text anyone. He has not been seen around Silverfalls. He has not made any appearances to anyone. He's just…gone. Poof. Like he disappeared, just drove away, vanished.

Died.

I have not been to Spoon's house in seven days. I refused to go. But now, after a week, I have to. It's required of me. I'm still his boyfriend after all. I got Raven to drive me. She's the only one that I really want to be around right now. Red's too high tempered, Russ is too frustrated, Minx is too caught up with boyfriend drama, Drew is too caught up in schoolwork, Scott's still trying to get me out of my relationship and Snake is just agreeing with Scott. It's a fucking miracle, right? The first thing they agree on is trying to help me. Maybe I am good for something. Something small, anyway.

"Cry, just call him."

"I have. Twice a day. It goes straight to voicemail and I'm scared about it." I say plainly. "He's avoiding me. What if he left town for good? What if he went back to Sweden? Just turn right up ahead."

"Thanks. And I don't know what to do besides call. We could go to his house instead, you know." Raven says and looks at me from the corner of her eyes. "Felix's place is safer than _his, _whether Felix is actually home or not."

"I keep getting his calls. I can't ignore him, he'll hurt me." I say quietly. "And I need to talk to him about the video."

"You could sue him to take it down. The video wasn't consented." She said after a few seconds of silence.

"The sex was, though. And in the law it says men can't 'be raped' or whatever. Police are useless." I look out the window and take a deep breath, which leaves a light mark on the clear glass pane. "I can maybe get him to take it down or something."

"You know he won't." Raven sighs.

I look at the road. "Pull up there. It's the house with the dead flowers."

"How fitting."

"Felix made jokes about it and then recited a poem about the brightest flowers only blooming in the dead of winter." I sigh.

"Call him." Raven says one final time while pulling into the driveway. "Make him come back into fucking reality."

I open the door without speaking again and slam it. I walk up to Spoon's door and open it. I know it's unlocked because I can see his shape waiting through the window on the door. When I'm inside and hear the car pulling away, when his hands grab my hips and I drop my bag and the door closes behind me, I burst into tears. "Why did you do that?! Why? You sick, fucking bastard, why did you do that?! Everyone at my school saw the damn video, you sick prick! I'm not a porn star! It was unconsented, you had no legal rights!"

He just digs his nails into my jean's waistband. "Everyone knows you exist. You always said you wanted to be famous. Now…you're more than just entertainment." His breath was almost pure alcohol scent. It burnt my nose and I pulled my head back.

"Why did you do this?" I look up at him and scowl.

"Because a whore who jumps from one boyfriend to another whenever he pleases deserves to be punished." Spoon said.

"You didn't have to do that! To film me! I…I hate you!" I rip away from his grip. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

The expression on his face will never, ever leave my mind.

"You need to learn some manners."

I'm slammed into the ground and dragging, screaming and kicking to the couch. Spoon pushes me onto my stomach and pulls my shirt up and pants down. I'm held down by nothing but his body on my legs, my arms and nails and swearing absolutely ineffective on him. I hear the familiar hiss of a lighter and the slight sizzle of a cigarette being lit.

"What are you doing, you sick fuck?! Stop! Four months, you bastard!" I screech. "Please, I'll do whatever you want! I'll touch you! Just don't-"

"Shut up." Spoon takes a long drag of his cigarette before pulling me into a kiss and pouring the smoke down my throat. It burns and I choke and gag into his open mouth, which openly accepts the rejected smoke and my tongue. He then presses the tip of the cigarette onto my stomach. I let out a moan of pain and the skin turns red to dark red to brown as it burns. When Spoon takes the cigarette away, a perfectly circular mark was left next to my belly button. He continues like this down my upper thighs. "You know what? You'd look even sexier with a belly button piercing."

He pulls up his sweatshirt and reveals his piercing. He pulls out the stud and smirks. "Don't worry, I'll numb the pain with a little…" He takes a drag and kisses me again. I proceed to choke and struggle as he holds up my shirt and pinches my skin. "Quick and easy, babe." And he stabs the stud through the tiny pinch of my skin. I let out a scream of pain and the tears fall again as he uses his thumb to wipe away the blood. "Nice, nice. Perfectly centered. Very sexy, princess. Perfect." He kisses my belly. "Perfect."

I shake my head and whimper. "Please, Spoon…Stop, please…I'll do anything. Don't "

"Tell me you love me and that you're sorry for saying you hated me."

"I-I'm sorry. I love y-you." My breath is shakey.

"What did Felix say about the video?" Spoon looks up and asks me.

"He…I haven't seen him. He hasn't been at school. He's…just gone." I look at the ceiling and my lip quivers. "I haven't gotten to explain-"

"He abandoned you?" Spoon smirked, then laughed hysterically. "That's just rich! Who stayed by you, Cry? Who didn't leave you once?"

"But-"

"The better boyfriend, me. I stayed. I've never once left you. I am here for you. I _care _about you. I got tested for chlamydia for you. I was negative, by the way." He leaned down and whispers to me. "Negative. Explain that, huh? Must have gotten it from a little cheerleader. I wonder if you gave it to Felix as he fucked you into the couch as you yelled for his cock. Did you beg for him like a bitch in heat, Cry?"

I close my eyes. "Why do you want me?"

"Because you are a gorgeous creature…" He traces his fingers down my cheek. "Pure on the outside, a cockslut on the inside. Your purity is a mask. You sold yourself for another man, for protection, for money. You beg for sex, and once you have it you don't care for it anymore. You're interesting. I like interesting things. I want them. And I keep them once I have them. I thought you were fuckable back then, all blushing virgin with that tight pink mouth…but now you're ready to take anything thrown at you and you enjoy it like the little whore you are." Spoon chuckles into my cheek. "Fuck, I might hate you to death…"

"What if I killed myself?" I say suddenly.

"Necrophilia before I strap your body to my truck and drop it in Felix's yard. Felix wouldn't care, though. You should try it. I have a switchblade, bleach, medication, whatever you need."

I imagined Felix staring at my lifeless body. I imagined Spoon fucking my dying corpse. I imagined the Crew being happy they're free of me.

I imagined Nathan, growing up without me. I imagined my mother, crying at my funeral.

"Not today, Spoon…maybe later."

"Whenever you're ready, I'll give you the best last fuck you've ever had." And he bites my cheek before readjusting himself on top of me so he could sleep.

**A/N: Sorry about the slow updates. Summer and all. And some person stuffs (my dad is verbally abusive and having custody battles/child support battles with my mother), but besides that here is probably the only update you'll get all summer and I feel bad for saying that up it's true. *sigh* I'll miss you guys.**

**I've actually been forgoing writing for a little big to focus on something important to me…my YouTube dream. I've been filming, editing and uploading and even though my current quality is meager, I'm very proud of myself for actually getting out there. Usually, I'm terrified of trying or showing my face on the internet. But bam. I'm happy. I'm going for it. (Channel name on bio)**

**Also, Happy Birthday, Cry~ It was June 11****th****, and I'm about, what, ten minutes into June 12****th****? Let's pretend I just posted this on his birthday. *pretends* ("Happy birthday Cry! Here, be tortured by Spoon and contemplate suicide!") I am a bad person DX**

**But all in all, I hope you guys have awesome summers and awesome birthdays and camps and essays and all of that. I love you guys and I sincerely hope you are okay with the lack of updates. Thank you SO MUCH for the 20,000 views and SO MUCH for the 200 reviews. You guys are amazing. Without you all, I would have not actually continued this story. Love you all *kisses***


	33. Chapter 33: Ink and Blood

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Three: Ink and Blood**

_**Trigger Warning**_

_**Viewer Discretion is Advised**_

Today I learned that an uncut bagel tastes gross.

I learned this because my mother walked in on me cutting my waistband with the kitchen scissors and burst into tears and hid all the knives and is screaming and calling therapists while holing Nathan up in his room and demanding I eat because she finally noticed me starving myselfso I tried to eat a bagel but it was uncut and I couldn't spread any of the cream cheese because I didn't have a knife so I dipped the bread in the cream cheese instead, uncut.

And it tasted gross.

And my mother won't let me leave the house.

But I sneak out anyway. I sneak out the back windows of my brother's room after apologizing to him and hugging him and explaining that I'm not going to die, I'm just unhappy. He nods and hugs me and tells me he loves me and makes me almost start crying. I sneak out anyway.

And I get drunk and throw up at Spoon's house anyway. I get bruised and beaten and my throat goes raw. My eyes get clouded and the next morning I fall out of bed to stumble to the bathroom and take my chlamydia pills.

Just two more months until November. Two more months until it's gone.

Two more months until I get raped by Spoon.

Two more months until I can make love to Felix Kjellberg.

Felix, oh, Felix! Where for art thou, my Felix? Jesus, why do I keep forgetting about him?

I can't forget him.

I hate myself because it's getting hard to remember what his face looks like. He's fading. I can't, I won't, let him fade.

"Spoon?" I look up at him from the end of the bed.

"What do you want?" He looks up with red eyes and a tired expression. He's smoking weed.

"I want five hundred dollars." I say.

"Why the fuck do you want five hundred bucks for?" Spoon scowls and sat up.

"I want a tattoo." I say simply.

"Of?"

"Something important."

He gives me the money and I leave the house, taking his truck to the tattoo parlor downtown in Silverfalls.I pay all one hundred and sixty in cash and pocket the rest of the money. I bend over a chair and take off my shirt and pull my hair up to reveal the bottom of my neck. I close my eyes. I let them ink my skin. They didn't even ask for my ID. They take anyone, and I knew that. That's why I came.

Marzia had gotten a tattoo on her foot here. She was the one who told everyone that they don't check ID, even though she had gone with her mother to get it. So many people had gotten tattoos last year.

I'm excited to see mine.

The man holds up a mirror. "Here, kid."

"Take a picture so I can read it." I say. I hand him my phone and he takes a quick picture before patching it up with astringent and cloth. I stare at the picture while he does so, the black curled into my white skin and how it's exactly how I imagined it during the drive over.

It's perfect. Not too shabby for last minute planning.

I almost start crying.

I drive to the boxing gym but don't find the people I want. I find Mario, though, the guy Felix fought the last time I was here. He tells me about the hushed whispers going on at the gym lately. He tells me about Felix. He gives me Risky's address.

Perfect.

When she answer's her door, she's in a black tank top and tiny shorts. She looks exhausted. "Oh. Hey, Complicated. Did you finally wise up?"

"I hadn't thought that he would come to you." I shrug.

"That's why he came here. I'm unexpected. Come in." She steps back and lets me in. "He's probably brooding again. Sit at the table, I'll go get him." She closes the door after I walk in and walks to the back of her apartment. It's small, cute and very cozy.

'Cozy' is my nice way of saying messy as fuck.

But I shouldn't complain. He's here.

Him.

Felix Kjellberg.

When Risky walks back in, he's following in all of his perfection. Blonde and tall and scruffy from not shaving. He's in a tank top and sweats and he's hotter then I remember. I drop my bag and run past Risky to wrap my arms around him and burst into tears. "God dammit, Felix, I missed you! Why did you-"

"I watched the video." He says solemnly. His fingers curl into my back soothingly and I lean back to look him in the eye, pale blue clashing with bright blue.

"Felix, I had no idea, you have to-"

"Stop." He says quietly. "I know. You didn't have a say in it. I know." He pulls me to the couch and I notice Risky leave the room. He sits me down, sitting next to me and holding my shoulder. "He tricked you. Spoon forced you."

"Felix-"

"I know how to get you out of here. Away from Spoon, away from your parents and mine and away from the school. We could be safe and happy."

I try again. "Felix-"

"I can protect you and provide for you. I can hold a job and I'm pretty good in school. You don't even need full degrees to work anymore. I love you, Cry, forever. I don't want you to be with him anymore."

"Felix-"

"He's toxic. He'll kill you. I might kill him first, though. But I know you won't let me. So, besides murder, this is the next best thing!"

"Felix-"

"God dammit, just shut up for one second. I…I have to get this off my chest."

"I'm sorry." I mutter and wipe a tear with my sweatshirt sleeve. Felix reaches up and thumbs away another tear softly, making me giggle a little through a sob. He smiles gently and gets on his knees in front of me. My eyes widen. "Felix?" I ask quietly.

Felix takes both my hands. "Cryaotic?"

I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. "Yes?"

"On Christmas Day, I want you to run away with me."

**A/N: SURPRISE! Quick update! I'm home for a week and trying to update everything, as well and finish up some oneshots and upload some videos. And update my tumblr, buy more music, find more inspiration and pack for my month long college study. *exhale* I am a busy child this week.**

**QUESTION: Should I make a discussion forum thingy for this? It's been requested, like, twice but I didn't think anyone would want an entire webpage discussing Helium Angst, so it's up to you guys. I'm down for making if you want to. It would give me a chance to talk to you guys, so ya. I'm all for it. Just say the word.**

**I hope you all enjoy the chapter, I liked writing it and including myself in it a little more ;) It's just getting good, though. The big climax is about to happen and then…sadly enough, Helium Angst will have to end.**

**God, I get sad thinking about it. But you know what? I'll be proud to have it finished and hopeful for my upcoming fanfictions. And I'll get to work more on my other (IH:MF and R&J) in progress stories and finish them, and then…I'll have to stop writing fanfictions eventually. Oh my goodness, the thought hurts. But I'll write novels and TV shows along with short films on my YouTube, so I won't disappear. I won't leave you guys.**

**Jesus, I'm making myself cry. I didn't mean for it to get that emotional. *deep breathes* Gosh, I love you guys so much it hurts. I mean, 23,000 views?! Over 200 reviews?! That's all you guys, all you guys' efforts. Thank you so much. You don't understand how much I appreciate each and every one of you. *kisses* Have a great July! :'D**


	34. Chapter 34: Solid Red Crystals

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Four: Solid Red Crystals**

I don't think you understand the importance of the events that follow Felix's invitation to run away together. The events that happened that night alone, as plain as they may be, were important.

We just cuddled, though. But it was important cuddling.

I went home this morning and helped with Nathaniel and cleaned up the house and skipped school while my mother was at work. After that, I return to Risky's house and cuddle into Felix's side like a puppy.

Until I pull Felix into Risky's guestroom and I lock the door and I turn to him and I demand he let me do something to him.

As you could expect, he flips out.

"Cry, no-"

"But Felix, I wanna just-"

"We can't! Look, I don't want to think-"

"But Felix, I want to!"

"I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you-"

"Felix-"

"And if you think I'm just using you for sex-"

"Feli-"

"Well, I'm not, okay! I don't-"

"Fel-"

"I don't want you to feel pressured into anything and-"

"Fe-"

"You're still getting off the pills and getting over your-"

"F-"

"And I just want you to be comfortable and-"

"Felix Kjellberg!" I yell and he freezes mid-sentence. "Let me speak!"

Felix's face has gone all hysterical and soft. "Cry, I don't want to-"

"Felix." I walk up to him. "Listen. I _want _to do this! I don't care if I pop one and can't take care of it because of the pills. I w_ant _to do this for _you._ We have done nothing but kiss and cuddle and hug all cutesy, like adorable little middle schoolers! I just want to suck you off, Felix! Is it really that big of a deal?"

Felix paused before nodding. "Yes. It is. I love you, Cry. I love you a lot. Forever. Because I love you, I don't want to rush things. I want you to stay happy and safe and I don't want to make any mistakes. So yes. It's a big deal. And no. I won't let you."

I stand thinking for a second before nodding. I sit on the end of the bed and stare at the floor. "I'm sorry, Fel."

"No, Cry, it's fine." I feel his large, warm hand on my shoulder. The calluses from being in fights and from his boxing gloves make his hands feel like leather, soft and durable yet hard and strong. I lean into his touch. "I just-"

"I know. You aren't ready." Half of me thinks this is the sweetest thing a guy has ever done. He wants to worship my body, not use it. I feel special. The other half of me, though, thinks this is because he's scared of being with a guy and, you know what? Maybe he isn't really gay. Maybe I'm his willing rebound from Marzia and he won't even look at me when we finally do it.

I'm going to hide that half away because if I think about it much longer I'll cry and try to kill myself.

Did you know that only two out of five people survive from drinking bleach?

I look up at him when I feel his other hand pulling up my chin. "I'm sorry…are you upset?" He asks. I shake my head before falling back into the mattress.

I see Felix visibly tense. "Cry?

"What?"

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That."

"That?"

"Ya, that."

"What that?"

"The 'that' on the back of your neck!" He looked physically exasperated and I sat up, suddenly giddy.

"I was upset yesterday, so I got something special." I smile goofily. Felix crawls onto the bed and behind me, lifting up my hair to show the white bandage I had changed three hours ago. "It's time to change it again, so you can take it off to see it if you want, Fel."

I feel his fingers ghost my neck. "Cry? Did you…" I hear him barely whisper 'dear god, please not my name' and I giggle.

The tape started to come off of my skin and catches a few of my dark hairs with it. I wince when it's off and only the gauze is left. I'm silently praying for him to love it, to get one the same, to worship it with kisses then take me on these dark purple sheets. I want him to praise me for it, to love me for it. I hope he loves it.

The gauze goes away.

A sharp intake of breath and a pause that lasts seconds but feels like years. Then, I feel him closer to me and his breath in my ear. "Forever." He whispers and kissed the back of my jaw. I grin uncontrollably. "Forever." I respond.

"I love you, Cry." He says.

"I love you too." I lean back into his chest and his arms wrap around me. "So, what's the plan?"

"You have to go home tomorrow. And go to school." Felix says.

"Only if you come back too." I say, whining a bit.

"Cry-"

"No. You're coming back."

The next day I wear the pink sweatshirt to school. It had blood on the sleeves, not from my healing cuts but from all those beatings. Everyone thought it was just juice. Felix doesn't arrive until after fourth period and we meet in the library during free time to make-out in the 'Law and Social Order' section of nonfiction. No one ever goes there.

After my mouth was red and chapped and the bottom lip bleeding, we left to go to our final periods. I pulled up my sweatshirt hood to cover the hickey that was growing near my tattoo. In my class, I think of nothing but two singular things. One, Felix. Of course. Number two would be my dangerous boyfriend. The bad boyfriend, not the nice one.

I go to the bad boyfriend's house after school. I walk in the unlocked door and the first thing I hear is a thud upstairs. "Finally come home?" Spooon yells from upstairs. I can hear him walking to the staircase.

"How did you know it was me?" I ask.

"No one else ever visits. So, kid. What tattoo did you get?" He turns the corner and his eyes narrow. "Why are you wearing that sweatshirt?"

"I'm cold. And I like it."

"_He _gave it to you." Spoon sneers. "Take it off."

I grip the part of the sleeve that's covering my hands. "No." My voice is strong but my face gives away my utter fear. He walks up to me and lifts up my face. My hood falls off and he strokes my bottom lip with his thumb. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" I say. I know what he means, though. I nearly shiver.

"The bite marks on your lip." Spoon says, taking my lip between him thumb and index, twisting and digging his nail into the parts spilt by Felix's teeth. "_He _gave them to you, like he gave you the sweatshirt."

I push his hand away. "Stop. Please." I look away. "Don't hurt me." I'm almost whimpering at this point. I feel weak and I hate it.

"I won't hurt you." He cooed, turning my head towards him. "I'll just wash you of your sins." He grabs my shoulders and shoves me onto the ground. He straddles my hips and starts to rip off my sweatshirt.

I am completely ashamed to say I don't fight back.

The sweatshirt is gone in a few seconds and all I have is my thin shirt. The cold air in his house hits my skin and I lay there while he stands up and walks to the kitchen with my sweatshirt. I stare at the ceiling before asking out loud. "Why?"

"Why what?" Spoon calls back.

"Why do you do this to me?"

"Why did you tease me like a slut?"

"Why do you hit me?"

"Why do you run around and sleep with everyone?"

I'm in the kitchen now and glaring at him now. Everything's a blur. An angry, red blur.

"Why are you so sadistic?" I cry.

"You're a cunt." Spoon sneers. "A slutty, no good, bratty, self-centered cunt-"

My hand makes contact to his face and the sound of the slap echoes in the kitchen. Everything goes silent. All I can hear is Spoon's sharp intake of breath as he faces away from me. His head turns to me and his eyes are covered by his hood.

I'm still glaring at him and my hand is still raised. It hasn't registered in my head what I've done.

Well, when it finally does, it's far too late.

He pounces on me and shoves me against the wall, wasted no time to punch me from the left and knock me onto a chair. Spoon shoves me over and kicks me hard in the stomach. He's kicking me and punching me and swearing and yelling and I can't even tell if I'm screaming or not.

Again.

Again.

Again.

I hear a crack.

Again.

Again.

My head hits the wall.

Again.

Again.

My rib broke.

Again.

I need an ambulance.

Again.

I black out.

**a/n: I'm back! :D Feels good to be writing this baby again. Look at it. It's full of drama and such. Dear God. What am I doing to these characters. I'm so evil :3**

**QUICK NOTE: I have started high school! Updating will be slow and scattered. I have an outside life that's starting to affect me. And also, as the story gets more climaxed and closer to its conclusion, the chapters will get longer and more events will happen per chapter. Especially the next few. You don't even understand what I have in store :D**

**I love you guys, thank you for putting up with the hiatus and thank you for the reviews (240+) and 32,000+ views. It's INSANE! I don't even understand. Like, I can't imagine that this many people love this story. I love you guys so much. Thank you so much! :) **


	35. Chapter 35: Moon over Morphine

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Five: Moon over Morphine**

Everything is a dull blue-white. Everything is foggy. I feel floaty and like I'm trying to swim through molasses. I'm warm all over and I blink once, twice, three times to clear my eyes of the foggy images. The world starts to sharpen and I can see the ceiling. I can tell the lights are off, minus three lights from father off. I move my eyes slowly to see the lights are glowing blue over the door.

My eyesight gets sharper. The edges are blurred, but I can tell what everything is.

I hear a beep. Barely there.

My eyes scan the ceiling.

Louder beep.

I blink. I breathe.

The beep is now at normal volume.

My ears are starting to work again.

My eyes drag to look next to me. A machine. It's beeping every two seconds. I blink. I feel heavy. I'm warm.

I look at the window on the wall. It's dark outside. I can't see the moon. I get sad. I want the moon. I hear a siren. I hear someone talk in the hall outside my door but I don't look. I want to see the moon. I stare and wait. I blink. I breathe. No moon. I'm sad.

I turn my head to the right slowly. I'm gaining feeling in my body again. I blink. I breathe. My breathing is shallow. Everything is dull, like I'm looking at the world through a window. I blink. I breathe. I see a dark figure sitting near me. I blink. I breathe. I look at the person and blink. The person is blonde. I know this person. I like this person. I can tell because my stomach is all warm.

What's his name again?

The needle in my arm made me forget.

I see a tinier person snuggled up to his arm. The person is small. The person is a child. The child looks like me. He has crayons in his hands. They both are asleep. I want to smile.

I heard a noise outside my door but I don't look. I don't care.

I want to watch them. I want to be with them. I want to wake them up and have them with me. My lips part just barely. "Ah…ah…" I make small noises quietly. I can't form words. I am so heavy. I blink. I breathe. "Ah…" My voice is tired. I'm not going to talk to them. They look happy. I bet their minds are where the moon is.

I turn my head to the ceiling again and blink. Breathe. Listen to the machine beep and the people breathe and the lights haze away.

I fall asleep.

"…..ay….normal…the morphine is still wearing off. We started waning him yesterday."

"And the operation?"

"It went perfectly, Mrs. Monki. He'll be fine once his ribs heal."

"My brother will be okay?"

"Of course he will. Cry will be okay and back at school with me soon."

"Really, Felix?"

"Definitely."

"Mrs. Monki, I would like to discuss his more…private situation involving his current medications."

"He doesn't take medication."

"Um…Mrs. Monki? He…he actually takes daily pills. I paid for them from a doctor in Crystal City-"

"What?!"

"He had an STD. It was cured through his pill, though. Actually, he'll be fine in about a week more of taking the pills-"

"My _son _has an STD!?"

"Chlamydia, actually."

"I thought only girls could get chlamydia!"

"Mama, what's chameleon-a?"

"Nothing, Nathan. But are you saying he-"

"He'll be fine."

"Yes, I just wanted to confirm the medication will be complete in a week or so. Our pain medication might interfere, so we were going to offer a liquid pain killer. Just come out into the hall and we'll talk-"

"Felix, why did you pay for the medication?"

"He was scared of disappointing you."

Crying. Footsteps. A door opening and closing.

"Felix, why is mama crying? If Cry gonna be okay?"

"Definitely. He'll be perfectly fine. Now, let's get to work on that make-up work you have."

"But Felix-"

"No 'buts'. You have to work on your vocabulary."

I open my eyes slowly. Everything's blurry, but I can see that the lights are on and it's daytime. I can see them, Felix and Nathan, sitting and leaning over a packet. They don't know I'm awake and aware yet. I blink a few times to clear my vision back to its normality. My lips part, faster thing time, and I can form words. My voice is hoarse. "Felix."

His head jerks up. "Cry!" He says loudly. Nathen looks up and smiles, jumping at the hospital bed. "Brother!"

Felix grabs the back of his shirt. "Be gentle, Nathen. He's hurt, remember?"

Nathan nods before more gently grabbing my arm and clutching it against his face. "Brother, you woke up!"

Felix leans over and brushes some of my hair out of my face. "Good morning, baby." He kissed my fore head just barely. "Feeling better?"

"What happened?" I ask quickly.

Felix's face falls. "Cry, Spoon-"

"Mama said you got real hurt by some mean guys in an alleyway! Good thing your friend found you! He was so nice, he brought you to the hospital and even gave your cracked phone to mama." Nathan purred, rubbing his cheek against my arm.

I look at Felix. "Spoon brought me to the hospital-"

"Why did he do this?" He ask quietly.

"I slapped him." I whisper back. "I'm fine, Felix, I'm-"

"Brother, look!" Nathan held up a drawing. "I made this for you! See, look! It's a dinosaur that's all cool and stripe-y and it's playing soccer with a dodo bird!" He puts it on my chest and I smile weakly. "Thanks, Nate."

"Oh, and guess what! Mama's gonna help you get ride of your chameleon-a!"

"My what?" I turn and look at Felix. "My-"

"Pills." Felix said simply. "I told your mother about the pills."

My eyes widen. "Felix-"

"I don't think she's mad as much as she is scared. You're in the hospital with two broken ribs, a concussion, a broken nose and three broken fingers. Bruises and cuts everywhere. _And _she saw the tattoo. She's just scared for you. She trusts me to protect you. She was surprised we were still friends."

"What about-"

"Cryaotic?" A nurse peered in the door. "You have a visitor. He says he knows you. His name is Phil. Phil Lester."

"Let him in." I say quickly. I haven't seen Phil in what felt like ages. Only being able to come to work when Spoon let me was tough, but Phil got his roommate Dan to over for me while I was away. He still sent me checks.

A few minutes later, Phil walks through the door with a thin, tanner boy behind him. "Hey, Cry. I heard what happened and had to check up on you." He smiles. "Oh, and Cry, this is Dan. I don't think you all have met yet."

"Hey." Dan says. He lifts his hand in an awkward greeting.

"So, who did this to you?" Phil asks, ignoring that Nathan had started tugging on Dan's shirt and tried to get him to play with him.

"I got mugged." I say tightly.

"By…?" Phil looked over at Felix. "Oh, sorry. I don't think we've met. Phil. Phil Lester. That's my roommate-"

"-And boyfriend!" Dan pipes up.

"Dan Howell." Phil finishes with a lopsided smile.

"You guys finally got together." I grin.

Phil blushes lightly. "Uh, ya. I wanted to tell you in person."

"That's sweet." Felix says. "I'm Felix. Felix Kjellburg."

Phil frowns and looks at me. "Oh. Nice to meet you."

I catch Phil before he can ask any questions. "We're secretly dating." I say quickly. "No one at school knows. At least, we haven't told anyone."

"Only my boxing trainer, Cry's mother and now apparently you two know." Felix says, eyes darting to Cry.

"Cute." Phil says simply.

"Yep."

I look over and see Dan sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and in his right hand a dinosaur toy. Nathan had the other and was teaching him how to play 'American Idol'. "No, no! you _can't _be a good singer because you're a dinosaur! You lose!" Nathan says.

"But I think MC Rex did pretty well!" Dan cries.

"Your accent ruined it. Foreigner." Nathan crosses his arms. "Foreign dinosaurs don't win American Idol!"

That's how my afternoon in the hospital went.

Two weeks later I was admitted out with nearly fixed ribs. My mother babied me and was sweet to me for a week where I stayed home and didn't go to school.

I've run out of my pills. I'm STD free.

My broken ribs hurt when I cough.

Felix visits me every day and does homework with me.

I can walk without getting a headache again.

I'm going back to school on Monday.

I'm healing.

Spoon calls my broken cellphone. I don't answer. I just throw it on the floor, lean into Felix's chest and breath. "I love you." I say to him quietly. He kissed my forehead and threads his fingers through my hair. "Forever."

"Forever."

I'm healing.

**A/N: Another day, another chapter, another heartwarming thing to remember when the next heartbreaking one happens.**

**So, I've been asked recently why the story is called Helium Angst. NOW LET ME TELL YOU THAT I AM SO EXCITED TO EXPLAIN THIS.**

**Let's split the title into the two words it's built form: helium and angst. Helium is a gas, light and feathery and floaty. It fills balloons to make kids smile, it makes our voices high and makes us laugh. It's nice and funny and sweet. It's the happy, nice parts of the story.**

**Now, Angst. Angst. Harsh. Painful. Leaves you in tears. Makes you anger. It **_**is **_**anger and fear and hate and pain and the abrasive feeling of all hope being lost. Angst is the parts of the story that twists your emotions and makes you hurt. It makes you feel.**

**Overall, the title IS the story. It is sweet but harsh, feathery but bitter. If you were to make the title more literal, Fluffy Pain or Adorable Harshness would be good substitutes. It IS Helium Angst. Light Angst.**

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thanks for reading and the reviews and, well, everything! :D I love you guys so much! *kisses***


	36. Chapter 36: You Don't Need Air

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Six: You Don't Need Air**

The air was getting color as the end of November came to steal away my shorts and tee-shirts only to replace them with oversized sweaters and tight jackets and long baggy jeans. I loved being able to cuddle up next to Felix, though, and be held by him in front of a warm fireplace and eat pizza and play videogames. He teases my waist and kisses my neck and loves me and cuddles me.

I love him.

We've been planning our escape. Christmas Eve is when he'll come and get me and steal me away into the night. We'll drive until we reach the West Coast and we'll make a living there. I'll work at a café and he'll get a real business-y job, one you can get without a college degree. We'll buy a house and have four kids and a cat, and I'll be at home with dinner ready every time Felix comes home. We'll be living the perfect life.

My dreams were just around the corner.

Until I had to go to Spoon's.

I had to gather my things and say good-bye.

For good.

I hadn't answered his calls or anything. I was done with him, angry with him. I wanted to never see his pathetic, cheek-boned face again. I hate him. I want him dead.

I want to be free.

So I drive to his house in my mother's car, driving carefully so I don't get pulled over. I don't want to get arrested. I don't have a license.

When I pull up to his house I get a phone call from Russ. I answer and talk to him for a few minutes, saying I'll be at his house to watch _Sharknado_ in about an hour. The Crew is having a movie night.

I hang up.

I walk to the door.

I open the door with my key and put the key on the table by the door for the last time. I walk upstairs and grab my stuff. My duffle bag was already packed. I'm never willingly coming back. I hate him. I hate this place.

I haven't seen him in the house.

I'm suddenly terrified.

As I should be.

Because now he's at my shoulder, from seemingly nowhere.

Because he's grabbing me and shoving the stuff out of my hands and ripping off my shirt as I kick and scream and bite and claw to no avail.

"You came home." He growls in my ear. I reach out without hesitation and claw his cheek, leaving three long scratches with my nails. He doesn't even flinch and it terrifies me.

I won't stop fighting.

I don't stop fighting.

I don't stop fighting when he fights my shirt off.

"Stop it!"

I don't stop fighting when his hands pull down my pants.

"Stop, you bitch!"

I don't stop fighting when he reached down and tugs at my cock, trying to bring me to a willing position.

"Please, please! Stop it! No!"

I don't stop fighting when he shoves me to my knees and face-fucks me until I gag and choke and nearly vomit.

I don't stop fighting when he flips me around so my back is on the floor.

"Don't! Stop! You bitch! I hate you!"

I don't stop fighting with he begins to stretch me, dry, and I see his fingers get covered in my blood and my flesh rips at his touch.

I'm clawing at the ground and his arms, pleading and repeating. "No, no, stop…stop…fuck! Stop!"

"I always get what I want." Spoon said. "You know, _he_ said the exact same stuff! He was saying no at first!" He growled and wiped the blood off of his hand and onto my shirt. "But I convinced him. I always convince them."

I pause, almost forgetting where I am for a second. "H-him?"

Spoon grins bitterly. "He hasn't told you?" He laughs darkly. "You should ask him. Ask him about it." He lashes out and grabs my hips. "You know what? I want you to enjoy this." He pulls a small bottle of lube out of his pocket and drenches his large cock before jutting his pelvis so he enters me slightly. I let out a squeak and burst into tears, trying to get him to stop. "Please! Please! Stop! I'm begging you! Stop! Spoon!"

He just grabs my hip bones and slams into me. After a few thrusts, he hits my prostate and I let out a wanton moan. I cover my mouth and realize I haven't gotten off in four straight monthes.

That's when it hits me.

I begin to like it.

He nails my weakness, over and over, tracing his long nails over my cock and making me whine.

I forget to fight.

"Oh, fuck, yes!"

I forget to say no.

"Harder, Spoon! F-faster!"

I cum hard, in a blinding flash of white light and a scream. "A-ah, fuck!"

The guilt is instant and heavy. I burst into vicious tears and choking sobs as I feel him finish inside of me and pull out. He puts my pants on for me as I curl up in fear and cry into the wood. He slips my shirt over me, completely silent. He doesn't even try to speak.

"It's not bad to enjoy sex, Cry."

"You raped me."

"You liked it, you slut." He growls. "You were thrusting back. You moaned my name. Rape, my ass. You liked it." Spoon stands up. "I'm going to get my smokes. I'll be back in five."

He's gone.

I'll be gone soon.

I'm crawling quickly to the kitchen sink, legs shaking and breathing heavily. My body is still on fire from my orgasm but weighted down by my sick, nauseas feeling.

I know what I'm going to do. I can't face Felix. I'm a whore. A slut. A sex-addicted prick. I hate myself. I'm useless. I'm nothing. I'm weighing Felix down. I'mjust making his life awful.

He needs to finish high school. He needs a future.

I am a slut.

I open the cabinet door.

I am a whore.

I dig around the bottles.

Have to find it.

Have to.

I had been planning this for weeks.

I find the gallon bottle, white-bottled savior.

I am nothing.

I unscrew the top and sniff the chemicals.

Toxic.

Good.

I lift it to my lips and gag. It's so toxic. Poisonous. My body doesn't want it.

But I do.

I toss my head back and feel the fiery burn fill me, rip me apart and make my stomach retch. I vomit into my mouth and onto the floor. I get lightheaded as I throw up again and again. I feel the bleach spill onto my skin and clothes. I shut my eyes and drink and vomit and burn and wither.

I end up laying on the floor, throwing up over and over and over onto myself and the floor.

I feel my eyes shut and my ears are ringing.

I'm getting lighter.

The burn is fading into a shearing pain.

Goodbye, Felix.

**a/n: the end.**

**JUST KIDDING.**

**But seriously, this chapter…I don't even have any words. Sorry it's so badly written :( I was rushed.**

**Love you guys! Thank you for everything! We've almost hit 40,000 views! Wow! That's insane! Thank you so much! Seriously! Love you! :)**


	37. Chapter 37: Lights of Heaven

**Helium Angst**

**Chapter Thirty Seven: Lights of Heaven**

I like to pretend I'm dead.

When the nurses come and refill my bags and reset the cameras, I don't move or breathe or blink or open my eyes. They always check my pulse, pet my hair, take my temperature and take a blood sample. After that, they leave, and the guard on the front of my door keeps his post and texts his friends.

The first two times my stomach was pumped, I was unconscious. The other three, I pretended to be. The first time my intestines were pulled out of me during surgery, flipped inside out and pressure-washed, I was unconscious. The second time, the less serious time, I woke up screaming while they were sewing them back in.

The first time they washed my throat, I was unconscious. The second time, I was awake and made bedroom eyes at the doctor as he shoved the tubes down my throat like the slut I am.

The first time they treated my skin for chemical burns, because apparently in my fit of vomiting I dumped cleaning produces all over me, they cleaned me and lotion me and tell me they'll heal eventually. They showed me a mirror to show me my progress. I am burned and stained and my skin is discolored in places. The second time, they showed me another mirror and cleaned my skin. Again, my skin was discolored and scarred.

The first time they examined my ass and concluded that I was sodomized and injured and filled with drying cum, I was conscious and ashamed. The second time they treated me, they asked if I would press charges.

I told them I wanted Jello.

I didn't get any.

My mother visits often, crying every time. Nathan never visits. Whenever anyone does, I pretend to be dead.

Russ and Red came. Raven and Jund, Snake and Minx and Drew. I didn't wake up for any of them.

Then, Felix came.

I was already awake.

He walked into the room slowly, and the door shut behind him. He flinched when it shut and he stared at me. My eyes are open. I see him and he sees me.

I open my mouth and a broken word escapes my mouth. "H-hey." My voice breaks halfway through. I am emotionless. My skin probably scares him. My broken and scarred lips probably disgust him. My eyes probably make him hate me.

But when my words hit his ear, when my broken greeting meets his head, but breaks down into violent sobs. He stumbles forward and grabs my arm, kneeling and crying and sobbing. His tears soak my hand and I watch, enraptured, as I watch him cry harder than I've ever see anyone cry before.

"F-felix?" I croak out. He kisses my wrist, wet and sloppy, his tears running down my arm. "Felix?"

"Y-you were d-dead!" He manages to sob out. "D-dead! I g-got a call t-that-t said-" He chokes and swallows. "Y-you drank-k bleach. Y-you d-died!"

"I didn't die." I whisper.

"You tried to!" He looks up, suddenly accusing and angry. "You tried to kill yourself!"

"Felix-"

"Why the fuck would you do that?!" His nails dig into my arm, but I don't mention it. I let him rant, on and on and on until he finally loses steam. He's out of breath and glaring at me. "Well? Anything to say for yourself?"

"He raped me and I enjoyed it." I say it without hesitation.

Felix goes tense. I see him get physically rigid and he says, with a voice trembling in anger, "What?" The tears stains on his cheeks are dry and rough.

"He took me and he came inside me and I begged for it like the slut I am." I say. "I love you, Felix, but you and the world deserve someone better than me."

He just shakes his head. "Bullshit. Bullshit. You're amazing. It's not your fault-"

"Felix, I liked it. I'm nothing. And I want you to find someone better." I say quietly.

He looks away. "I love you. Forever. No way in hell I'm going to find someone better."

I sigh. "Your loss."

"My gain." He says bitterly. After a pause, he speaks again. "Risky says hi. She can't visit but she wishes you the best. And she also gave your mother her old truck. It's yours now. Red, brand new engine. You're a lucky man."

"I can't even drive-"

"Marzia is two floors up." Felix says suddenly.

I turn my head to face him. "What happened?"

"She had her baby. A little girl. Violetta Turner-Bisognin." He says. "She wanted me to see her."

I think for a moment then hit the button for my nurse. She comes in, all bright and cheery. "Yes? Is everything okay?"

"Can you please wheel me upstairs?" I ask. "My friend just had a child."

The nurse blinks a few times. "Uh, oh, I'll ask the doctor-"

"Don't ask. I want to go. Let me." I say, crossing my arms. "I've been a good little patient. I deserve a visit with someone my age." Felix sticks his hands in the pockets of his thick black jacket and nods. "I agree." He says. The nurse suddenly looks over, just realizing his existence.

"Oh…hello." She just got really flirtatious.

"He's a minor." I say dryly.

The nurse turns bright red and looks at me. "I'll, um, get the wheelchair."

I look up at Felix. "What room?"

"How am I supposed to know? You were first priority." He says roughly. "I…I was fucking worried about you, man…" His voice got soft. "I didn't want to lose you."

"Our Christmas plans are canceled." I say. "I'm here until Christmas Eve. The doctor said so. The way this is going, I'll have to go to summer school."

"Then we can leave before that." Felix's eyebrows raise as he looks at me.

"Aren't you disgusted by my skin?" I ask suddenly. The chemical burns on my chest, neck, chin and arms are so, so noticeable that it makes me hate myself even more.

Felix walked over and lifts my head to kiss my throat. "You're gorgeous." He mutters. "I will kiss every inch of you no matter what."

I kiss his ear and see him smile.

In minutes, we're upstairs. We're in the maternity ward, being taken to a room.

"Before we go in, listen: They aren't together anymore. They're saying they're just 'two best friends that had a baby'." Felix says to me. "Just a warning."

Then I'm in the room.

Marzia is cooing over a little pink buddle and Toby is at her side, laughing. He looks up and grins. "Felix! Cry! Nurse!" Marzia looks up. "You guys made it!" She smiles. "Come on, come meet her!"

"What's her name?" I ask.

"Violetta!"

"Vizo for short." Toby winks."Violetta Zoe Turner-Bisognin."

"Pretty name." Felix smiles dully and Marzia looks at him happily. He cheeks are rosy and her eyes look exhausted.

"Do you want to hold her?" She asks. Felix hesitates. I know his body language, he's trying to decide whether or not to succumb to sudden fatherly urges. He nods slowly and Toby takes Vizo out of her young mother's arms and smiles down at her. "Be careful, now. She might wake up. If she does, she'll probably cry. It's nothing you did, though. She's just…been through a lot in the past two days."

"She was born, of course she's been through a lot." Marzia giggles.

Felix looks almost terrified when the baby is set into his leather-wrapped arms. He looks out of place, a man so strong and tough cuddling a small baby. After a minute, though, he warms up and looks more comfortable. "She's beautiful."

"Hazel eyes, you know. Just like her mother." Toby looked at Marzia warmly. "And from what we can tell dark brown hair."

"Cry? Do you want to hold her?" Marzia asks. "It'll be easy, since you're sitting down."

I look up at Felix and without a second thought he bends down to set Vizo in my lap. I almost panic, not knowing what to do or if I could hurt her. But then, my arms wrap around her and pull her to my chest instinctively. MY face goes soft, looking at her. Pale with dark hair and the softest expression anyone could muster. It was gorgeous, to say the least.

Then Vizo's light hazel eyes opened. She blinked, looking at me through squinty eyes, just looking. Then her arm lifted up and her hand made a grab for my cheek, but she reached the hem of my hospital gown. She made a cooing noise before gripping onto the gown and gurgling. We stay like that, her tugging and giggling as she looks up at me.

"Cry?" Felix's thumb is on my cheek, and I jump in surprise. "You're crying."

I blink. I hadn't realized I had started silently crying as I had held Vizo. I sniffle. "Sorry, I just-"

"She likes you." Marzia says without hesitation. "I would love for you to babysit her. Both of you."

"Actually, we've been meaning to ask you two something." Toby cleared his throat. "We were hoping you two would be the godparents."

On Christmas Eve morning, I left the hospital and went to my mother's car. We drove home and Nathan opened his presents and we ate red velvet cake and me and my mother made sure everything having to do with Santa was alright. Then, I turned to her.

"I'm sorry for being an awful son."

She just smiled at me and pulled me into a hug. "You're not awful. You're a strong, surviving young man. And I love you." She kissed my forehead then left the room to go to bed.

I pick up my cellphone. I push the most-used contact. I call. It rings and he answers. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Merry Christmas, Felix."

"Merry Crhistmas, Cry."

"Forever."

"Forever."

**A/N: So maybe I shouldn't have joked about the whole "the end" thing. People actually thought the last chapter was it! Don't worry, it's not! Lots more to come! I mean, the Pewdiecry hasn't even hit smut-level yet! I wouldn't fail you guys!**

**So, does anyone watch Free! Iwatobi Swim Club? What you do if I wrote a long oneshot for it? I have a really sweet idea, but I'm still unsure about writing it. What do you all think?**

**Also, if I haven't already said so, I started my Crycest story "My Fallen Angel" and I'm so excited! AHHHHH! :D Don't worry, I'll try not to rip your heart out TOO much ;)**

**Love you all, thank you for 320+ reviews! You don't understand, this makes me feel so awesome! This means so much! I'm so happy you all like the story! You all are so sweet with the PMs and the reviews and likes and favorites and AHH YOU GUYS I'M ALL GLOWY. I love you guys so much! *kisses***


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